All day I have been worrying about how I like this man, and how I try to give him space so I don't seem too anxious to talk to him or worry him about how "Strong" I come on and don't call him because I know he is busy and don't e-mail that often because don't know if he is getting the messages or not and I don't want to be a nuisance.
And then I realized that I am worrying for all the wrong reasons. I am worried that he is going to think that I am weird, and that he is not going to want to get to know the wonderful person that I am, so I am holding MYSELF back. I am not LETTING him get to know me and all that I am capable of. I am putting up walls, protecting myself, and that is something I have been trained to do.
I trained myself to be careful with people because I have had people use me in the past. I have had people who pretended to be my friends use me, and I had absolutely no clue it was going on. I was so trusting and open with these people, that I let them use everything I owned without thinking about it. The exception was my car and my apartment, but I didn't think about it. I thought that this is what the Lord wanted us to do for our fellow men, to trust and love them as He would.
I trusted them so much, that I ignored warning signs of dishonesty such as lying about returning money to me. Thankfully I didn't take a friend shopping and let her use my credit card, she never would have paid me back.
I have been so trusting that I received a blessing that warned me to watch out for people who would use me, and be sure that those I trust deserved that trust. I am afraid that I took that too much to heart, because I have been cautious ever since. I have been afraid to trust the wrong people, so I take my time getting to know them until I feel that I can trust them with myself.
I don't want to do this anymore, and I have been working on it. I have been more stand-offish than I normally am, and I hope this explains why I may seem like (as my sister so lovingly put it) if you come near me I will break off your arm and beat you with it.
My brothers are a hoot, though. They said that they always imagined me going up to a man, saying "You, mine!" bopping them on the head and dragging them back to my cave (or they tease the temple) by the hair as a cave woman might. While there may be someone I am INCREDIBLY tempted to do that to, but I won't! I want him to be just as willing to bop me on the head and drag me to the temple as well. :)
So while this post started saying that I understand what my shortcomings are, and I do... It is really to say that I am going to stop. I am going to stop doing what is hurting me, which is not trying. I am so afraid of being rejected that I wouldn't TRY to contact him and invite him to things. I wouldn't TRY to tell him that I want him to ask ME on a date, because boys are dumb and sometimes you have to tell them that you want them to ask you out.
I have discovered that dropping hints just doesn't work AT ALL!!! You can be flashing big fans at him saying "ASK ME OUT!!!!" and he would just say "Nice fans!" Sometimes, that's endearing. But right now, it's more annoying.
So, I am going to stop stopping myself and just start trying again. I can't give up, because "I ain't no quitter!!!
