My Birthday is coming up faster and faster, and it is hard to wrap my brain around this fact. It seems like just YESTERDAY that Christmas was here, and it just seems to be speeding up more and more. It was just yesterday that I felt like New Years Eve would be the gateway to my life changing again. I felt certain that this year would be full of promise. That this year would have something that would change it for the better. This year has been full of ups and downs, but there has been nothing in it that has changed my life for the better. I am still in debt, worried about my life, and what there will be in it. I am also not any further than I was this time last year. The only difference is that I am closer to getting into the Nursing Program. I feel just as stuck now as I did than. I have been working on loosing weight, and I have lost 61 pounds. I have been feeling better about my physical appearance, but I also worry about this being permanent. The issue I am having is feeling like I am enough. I know everyone likes to tell me how sweet I am, how wonderful and kind I am, and how beautiful I am. The problem is, I have a hard enough time believing it. I know myself and I know my flaws. I know all the worst things about myself, and I have a difficult time seeing past them. I also have a difficult time understanding that if I am all these things, why am I still on the market? I have done the online dating stuff, and I don't get anywhere. I have done the church scene, and again I have nothing.
I meet one young man who seemed interested, all to find out that he was just being nice. And I have to wonder, am I one of those people that is considered dull when you first meet them?
I have tried to take time to figure out what I am doing wrong, and really focus on me. I know all the platitudes... "God is saving you for the right guy....", "Too good to be single for the rest of your life..."... blah blah balh. I have seen all the quotes, read all the stories, and prayed as hard as I could.
Tonight was just a night that I am frustrated. I don't understand why the Lord is making me wait as long as I have been, and go through as much as I have had to go through. I don't understand why I am the person who needs to have the strength to keep going, and not to give up. I don't understand it at all. I would love to stop being strong for a minute and feel what I am feeling. I would love to wallow in the frustration and the despair that I am feeling. I am almost 31 and would LOVE to be married. I want to have my children. I want to move on. And as much as I like to say that I am "Fine" with being single, I'm a heartbeat away from breaking apart inside with how much I would love to be more than just the "single, wonderful girl."
Ironically, there is nothing that I can do to change it. I can't go anywhere to meet anyone because where do I go? I can't seem to meet anyone online... and I am not meeting anyone at school who doesn't look at me as just an easy mark.
So, this is what I have been thinking about tonight, and I just needed to put it all down before I burst and go to my room, raid my mini fridge, and pull out all the chocolate and either eat it or throw it all away and regret both decisions. So the smarter decision? Rant. And blow up on my blog. That's what it's there for right?
So I am going to say I BETTER have gone down in my weight or SO HELP ME... Walking every morning for at least 2 miles... It better be doing something other than making me tired and cranky.
