Today has caused me to think about a lot of things. My parents went out of town, and I was feeling like I was loosing my mind so I ducked out of my sisters house and went to my parents house to gather my wits, and control.
I had spent about 2 minutes there when I realized that I HATED living alone. I ABSOLUTELY hated it! I talked a good game about how nice it was, and how I enjoyed my company, how I would really know whom I was and that I would be able to do things that most people are too afraid to do. But I don't think I really realized how much I would worry and stress about someone breaking in and hurting me and no one would be able to do a thing! I would sleep with my cell next to me, plugged in so if anything happened I had it. I would sleep with the door closed, windows closed and locked and blinds closed.
I never opened a window, unless it was sunny and I was home. I always kept my doors locked, and I would never answer the door. I was terrified to have friends come over unexpected, because I have lived in some REALLY scary neighborhoods that you just don't answer the door.
I am not sad that I had these experiences, I was just sad that in the safety of my parents home I still had those fears. I know that no one would bother me, but I still let the dogs bark all night, locked my bedroom door, and slept with my cell phone next to me.
I have the same problem with people I realized. I have all my protection up, all my barriers. I show people the weird part of me, trying to see if they are going to see me as some strange person and just leave me alone or if they are going to see that I am fronting and hold on. Those that hold on, I let them in closer and closer, opening this door and that window until they can see whom I am. I am vulnerable, and VERY scared to let too many people in because I hate it when they leave. Every single person whom has left has taken a piece of me with them, if they know it or not.
They have made me a better person for knowing them, so I don't regret the decisions that I have made to let them into my life. But at the same time, there are people that have caused damage, and it makes me scared to allow someone else to come into that part that has been hurt and try to help it because I am afraid they will leave it more messy than they found it.
I also realized that I STILL sabotage myself. I know that I do it, and I try to stop it and it's SO hard! I was driving to my parents, thinking about the men that are in my life right now (which by the way are not that many) and I realized that I do try so hard to keep them away that when they leave I am upset but it's my own fault. I am cute and flirty on messages, but get me on the phone and I freeze up! Or in person, it's really bad! I don't know what to say so I just end up staring and feeling like a fool as I ask a million and one questions and don't get asked anything in return. Which by the way, is SO annoying! Boys are SUPPOSED to be JUST as interested in you as you are in them.
But anyways, back to the Sabotage thing. I talk myself out of liking them if they don't respond in the way that I think they should (which by the way is PERFECTLY reasonable I THINK, but I am the one sabotaging myself, so what do I know?). I think they should call, they should be interested in asking you questions. They should return a call if you call them. They should remember things from your conversations, or little things like you had a bad day and they wanted to find out if your week is better or how work is going.
But then again, I am an old romantic. I don't see my life being like a movie where they meet, he sends her flowers requesting a date, brings her chocolates and love letters, and they share a first kiss and they live happily ever after.
I see my life as being in the little things. Like he sends me a card with flowers on it so I can keep them forever. Or he sends me a box of brownie mix so we can bake it together, and share stories about whatever. He takes me out to watch the stars because I love them so much. He holds my hand at Sunset so I know that while the sun may have gone down, he is there to keep me warm.
So I am incredibly romantic, I know that. But it's not unrealistic, is it? I just want someone to want me, because trust me he will be as pampered as much as he pampers me. I want to be able to rub his feet at night, help him with any headaches. I want to listen as he complains about a terrible day at work, or how his boss is such a horses hiney... I want to be able to be with my best friend for the rest of time, and know that he loves me as much as I love him.
Dreams are a hard thing to push aside when you are single. You see all these people and you wonder when it is going to be your turn to have your happily ever after. You wonder if the person who looks at you in passing at Church is going to be the one to change your life forever. Or you worry that the guy that you fight with like a brother is the one that is going to sweep you off your feet (cringing at the thought now.) and carry you off to your dream come true.
But you have to be sensible. You have to keep both feet on the ground, your heart on a leash so as to not scare off anyone who comes too close, and you have to stop looking. You have to go on with your life, and get those things done you always wanted to do. You have to make something of yourself, so that if it never happens for you (heaven forbid!!!!) you will be able to take care of yourself until the Lord sees fit to bless you in the here-after.
I am not so worried about it happening now, I am actually terrified of the right one being Right Now. I know that I would be stubborn, and I would try to scare him off because I feel like I have no control of my life. I feel like I am starting all over. But isn't that the best time to start? When you have no control?
I try not to freak out when I loose control, because ultimately the Lord is the ONLY one in control. We just have to put it on cruise and make the decisions about where to turn, what path to follow, and if we are going to listen to the voice that tells us we need to slow down or go down a scary path.
So while I am working on not being controlling, allowing myself to feel stable, stop self-sabotaging, and stop ignoring the men that are around me, I wonder why I am so tired. Hmm.. Can't really figure that one out.
