Almost another year older.

My Birthday is coming up faster and faster, and it is hard to wrap my brain around this fact.  It seems like just YESTERDAY that Christmas was here, and it just seems to be speeding up more and more.  It was just yesterday that I felt like New Years Eve would be the gateway to my life changing again.  I felt certain that this year would be full of promise.  That this year would have something that would change it for the better.  This year has been full of ups and downs, but there has been nothing in it that has changed my life for the better.  I am still in debt, worried about my life, and what there will be in it.  I am also not any further than I was this time last year.  The only difference is that I am closer to getting into the Nursing Program.  I feel just as stuck now as I did than.  I have been working on loosing weight, and I have lost 61 pounds.  I have been feeling better about my physical appearance, but I also worry about this being permanent.  The issue I am having is feeling like I am enough.  I know everyone likes to tell me how sweet I am, how wonderful and kind I am, and how beautiful I am.  The problem is, I have a hard enough time believing it.  I know myself and I know my flaws.  I know all the worst things about myself, and I have a difficult time seeing past them.  I also have a difficult time understanding that if I am all these things, why am I still on the market?  I have done the online dating stuff, and I don't get anywhere.  I have done the church scene, and again I have nothing.
I meet one young man who seemed interested, all to find out that he was just being nice.  And I have to wonder, am I one of those people that is considered dull when you first meet them?
I have tried to take time to figure out what I am doing wrong, and really focus on me.  I know all the platitudes...  "God is saving you for the right guy....", "Too good to be single for the rest of your life..."... blah blah balh.  I have seen all the quotes, read all the stories, and prayed as hard as I could.
Tonight was just a night that I am frustrated.  I don't understand why the Lord is making me wait as long as I have been, and go through as much as I have had to go through.  I don't understand why I am the person who needs to have the strength to keep going, and not to give up.  I don't understand it at all.  I would love to stop being strong for a minute and feel what I am feeling.  I would love to wallow in the frustration and the despair that I am feeling.  I am almost 31 and would LOVE to be married.  I want to have my children.  I want to move on.  And as much as I like to say that I am "Fine" with being single, I'm a heartbeat away from breaking apart inside with how much I would love to be more than just the "single, wonderful girl."
Ironically, there is nothing that I can do to change it.  I can't go anywhere to meet anyone because where do I go?  I can't seem to meet anyone online... and I am not meeting anyone at school who doesn't look at me as just an easy mark.
So, this is what I have been thinking about tonight, and I just needed to put it all down before I burst and go to my room, raid my mini fridge, and pull out all the chocolate and either eat it or throw it all away and regret both decisions.  So the smarter decision?  Rant.  And blow up on my blog.  That's what it's there for right?
So I am going to say I BETTER have gone down in my weight or SO HELP ME... Walking every morning for at least 2 miles...  It better be doing something other than making me tired and cranky.

Oh boy...People need to calm down

Lately, things have seemed to implode.  I don't exactly know what happened, or why it happened, but a friend of mine who I think of almost like an uncle got upset with me.  I made a small comment about something we do on the weekend, and he just exploded.  I am honestly very hurt, and I don't know what I did to set him off.  He is suddenly not talking to us, and he is suddenly being very upset with me.
I will admit, that I am done.  I am done with divas, done with egos, and done with puffed up peacocks.  When someone gets their panties in a wad, they don't see how much they hurt others.  They don't see that I am the one who is sitting here, wondering how I could have made this person I care about turn on me.  They don't see how I am sitting here, happy for my friends that are moving on with their lives and still feeling as stuck as ever.  They don't see how I am trying desperately to not cry, and to not take my frustration out on others as I sit and wonder why I am the one that has to be attacked. 
I am tired of feeling like I have to be the strong one.  I have to be the bigger person. I have to be the one to let go of everything and I have to be the one to turn the other cheek.  Well, right now I want to scream, stamp my foot, and demand that everyone stop being children and start acting their age.  I am at that point that I want to act like the toddler, I want to throw a temper tantrum, and I want to scream how life isn't fair.  Than I want to sit down with 2 pounds of See's Candy and just drown my sorrows.
But I won't.  I won't drown my sorrows in chocolate.  I won't throw a fit, and I won't be a toddler.  I will be the adult that I was raised to be, and I will ignore everyone who isn't being kind to me.  My heart may be hurting inside, but I am not going to hold my breath that anyone is going to apologize or see just how much they hurt me. 
Why am I the designated whipping girl?  Why am I the door mat, the punching bag, or the scape goat?  I am SO Over it.  So anyone wants to come and try to attack me again, watch out.  I will be holding a bazooka because I am over this crap, and I will unload a holy heck of a lot of pent up rage if someone comes after me in the next few days....
So this is what has been going on with me over the last 24 hours...  I hope the rest of you are doing better.

Just keep swimming

I find it interesting, my body can't handle a lot of sugar anymore.  It's crazy how I was changing my mindset, and really listening to my body. It tells me when I have had too much, and I feel it.  I am actually feeling it now.  I had a Pink Lemonade cupcake tonight and the amount of frosting on it was too much (My fault, I punched too big a hole in the middle and filled it with frosting and than TOPPED it with frosting) so now my body needs water and wants to go to bed. 

On the plus side, I have just gotten a job!  I am now an OFFICIAL instructional associate for the local school district, and I am beyond thrilled.  The student I work with is very nice, and we get along great!  I also get a pay raise of $3.77 an hour, and I get sick days and vacation time.  I can't believe how blessed I am.

I also am happy to say that I have lost 5 pounds since my last weigh in, and I weigh myself tomorrow (shudder from tonight) and have lost a total of 55 pounds.  I am starting to see it in myself, but it is hard for me to really see it because I see myself every single day.  I am seeing how some clothes are fitting more loosely, and how my pants are smaller.  But it's hard to change how you think about yourself, and that is what I am working on now.

I have to be up early tomorrow, however so I have to sign off.  But I am just happy to share some good news! 

Night all, I will let you know tomorrow if I have lost any (Hopefully) of if I have gained (probably.)

I did have a week where I went up like 5 pounds, and it took me 3 weeks to come back down.  So, there may be times where it's hard but stick with it and you will accomplish wonderful things!

Playing around tonight

So tonight, I was playing with a digital image simulator to see what I may look like when I get all this weight off. It's not taking into account my body or my shape, but it was exciting to see where I have come from, and to get a visual for what my body will look like when I get all this extra padding taken off.  It was exciting, and invigorating for me.  I was able to take the time and really see what I was working for, and I would highly recommend everyone do it.  I just googled a weight loss simulator for free and found one that you can customize with your height, weight, hair color, etc.  It was really kind of cool to see it.  While I may not see much of a change in the first 50 pounds I have lost (Other than smaller hips which is AMAZING in itself) but I am looking forward to what 100 pounds off is going to look like. 

And something that was amazing, was we had some Digornio pizza last night and it really was NOT all that good.  I found myself wanting the salad more than the pizza, and so having the salad last night before the pizza was the best choice I made.  :) 

So, just something fun. The idea of being a smaller girl is something I look forward to.  I want to be able to be the person that people see and don't judge as much as they have in the past.  I felt that I had to be invisible growing up, because I was SO picked on and was so insecure. But now I am more secure in who I am, and I am ready to show everyone who I am.  And ready to be the strong person I was born to be. SO it's time to let go of the past and move on.  It is hard, and there is a lot I have to fight to let go of. But I am finally ready to meet the challenges.  And that's what matters... That I am meeting the challenges and working past them, and not eating my feelings anymore. 

So look for a more confident, more slim person come this summer. I already am slimmer, I have a small child off my back.  It's time to loose that teenager that has been on my back for so long.  And than I can get rid of the adult that is on my back and be just me.  I can't wait to be able to say that I have achieved my goal and that I am who I want to be.  

Found something for weight loss!

Laughs, can I say that I honestly got REALLY sick again? This is seriously, the 3rd time in this month that I got sick. I am SO tired of it, and so OVER it. BUT.... 

I have found a perfect weight loss tool... Illness!  Laughs.  I was stuck last week, and I was upset about it but I got REALLY sick on Tuesday, spiked a fever yesterday and am spiking another one today.  So I got on the scale a little bit later than normal because I spaced (cold medicine makes me feel stupid right now) and I was SHOCKED to see the scale at 352.8.  FREAKING 352.8!!  I will admit, I was over 400 when I started.  I am estimating my starting point at 404.... SO I HAVE LOST 51.2 pounds! 

In 6 months I lost 51.2 pounds. This blows my mind. This is the most exciting thing ever for me, that I was able to get over that hump and CRUSH It!  It has been hard lately, with Valentines day coming up and the candy EVERYWHERE and the feeling like I would possibly want to indulge in it... And how I want to be my own valentine.  :) I will buy myself candy, and flowers. :) 

Honestly, I think I would appreciate flowers more if someone gave them to me BEFORE or after valentines day, not On valentines day.  I just think it's funny to have one day to show love to someone... but I digress... 

SO here is my reason to loosing weight as ill: 

When you are sick you can't taste anything, so you don't want to eat. You loose weight. 

When you are sick you cough more, so you are working out your stomach. Tighter muscles! 

When you are sick, you lay in bed more. Therefore food is further from your mind. You loose weight. 

And again: 

When you are sick, nothing looks good so you don't eat.  YOU LOOSE WEIGHT.  :) 

Of course, when you get healthy again you want to eat everything... 

So beware.  Illness is great for loosing weight, but it's also bad for your body. You have to force yourself to eat good things, and you have to stop yourself from not eating.  Food is important to heal your body. 

I am going to lay down now, my body is starting to ache and get chilled again.  I think the fever is returning, blast it! 

But had to share my success.  And I know you won't judge me on my weight. :) 

Surprising Day

I had a surprising day today.  Last night mom and I tried to watch "Hope Springs" and it was a horribly uncomfortable movie.  It started off sad, with the married couple living more like room mates than a couple.  It proceeds to her wanting to fix it and him being more reluctant.  It was sad to see this happen, but that does make me think about how I don't want my life to become that at 31 years married. I don't want the spark to die, and I don't want to have it feel like I am not doing anything to save it.
So what made it horrible was the therapy sessions.  They talk a lot about sex in it, and I am not comfortable with people talking about something that is so sacred and beautiful.  Granted, it was a married couple and not a couple shacking up like you see so much on TV and in movies anymore. But still, to hear the therapist ask about things that are SO deeply personal was very uncomfortable.  And when they started to have "homework" to be able to get used to touching each other and stuff like that, it became too much for me. Thankfully Mom fast forwarded it, because she was uncomfortable too.
It was sad because I put it on my Facebook page, and I had to explain to someone why I felt this way.  Why I was so upset with such personal things being put on the large screen and into our homes. I am human, and I do get urges just like anyone else. But sex is so beautiful and so sacred that it is hard to see someone treating it like it should be entertainment for the masses.  To see someone open the door to their marriage and their bedrooms and air all the dirty laundry.  It was not something I was comfortable with watching, having this couple work through rekindling their dying romance.
I'm sure it was something that people enjoyed, but I personally had a hard time with it.  I personally spent more time looking at my computer because I didn't want to see something I hold as so precious being portrayed as it was.
And how do you explain this to someone?  How do you tell them that what they are showing was just another example of how the world sees relationships.  How life can get in the way of living, and it truly did open my eyes and tell me how to make sure to not turn out.  However, I also want to make sure that my voice is heard and that such beautiful things should stay where they belong.  The beauty of making love should stay behind the closed bedroom doors, and should be as precious as our religion.  And I will fight to make sure people understand that is how I feel.
This is why today was an interesting day.  And surprising.  I hope I don't have to go through this again. And I think I will be sticking with the cartoons more from now on, and will read reviews before going to the movies or renting a movie again.

New Blog... YAY!!

So I have created another blog,with recipes and tips from my weight loss journey as well.  I created it for my cousin, and as a way to share our amazing recipes that we have tried and loved though the course of this journey.  I wanted to make it something that we can enjoy and have fun with it, and honestly I LOVE it.  It's so much fun to get on there and share.  So this last one I posted wasn't a recipe, but it was a list of what I can and can't eat.  The nice thing is, I can eat ANYTHING.  I don't have anything I can't eat.  I just have to make sure if I have enough to be able to eat it.  OR I have to decide if eating nothing but fruit and vegetables for the rest of the day is worth it.  And it's funny to see how your mindset changes towards foods.

Here is the link to the webpage, and the recipes on it.

Dash Of Sunshine

I really am having a ton of fun with it, and hope by the end of this month to have a majority of our favorite recipes on it.  I want to be able to share what we have been able to enjoy with anyone else who is struggling to loose those last few pounds, or to loose the adult that is riding around on their back with them.

I'm so much happier now than I thought I would be.  It's a great feeling.

Brutal honesty

Today was my weigh in day.  It was ALMOST exciting, except for the fact that I didn't go down last week at all.  I stayed exactly where I was.  I admit, I wasn't so good yesterday.  I felt like I just wanted to keep eating.  AND I got some Mega Stuffed Oreo's so I had to try it.  They are SUPER stuffed... Like 2 double stuffed Oreo's smashed the cream together and took the cookies away.  If I was a cream girl, it would be amazing.  I'm more of a cookie person.  So... I don't know what I am going to do with them, other than grounding them up and putting them on my chocolate sugar-free pudding.  It will add 4 points to it, but that makes it a 6 point snack.
So I get on the scale after going to the restroom, and taking a shower.  I have found that I weigh in when I am out of the shower and it's better.  I got on the scale 3 times, just to make sure that the weight was right.  The first time, I got a number that I wasn't too happy with.  The second time, it was up 2 pounds from where I was on the first weigh in. So it became "best 2 out of 3" and I got on for the last time.  I was able to confirm the results on the last step on the scale....  I am up.  I am up .2 pounds but I am still up....
This journey really is a lot of work. It's not something that is an easy thing to do.  You have to get up every single day and decide to eat better. You have to ignore those little voices in your head that are telling you that  you want that order of fries.  You want that piece of chocolate cake. You want that personal pie that's in the freezer section.
It's not telling yourself you can't have it though.  It's more taking a step back, and trying to figure out WHY you want those things.  What is going on in your life right now to make you want those items? It's hard to pinpoint why, but it's something I need to remember. There is a reason that I am wanting those things, and it is deeper than just a craving.
Once I figure that out, I will be okay.  It's just hard.  Hard when you look at something that you used to love and tell yourself that you don't "desire it."  While your brain is saying "Heck yes I want that!!!" there is a little part of your brain that takes over and says "I don't know, maybe I don't want that..."  It's hard to change your life when you spend a lot of it not caring what you put into your mouth.  Everything went from "Whatever I want" to "What do you need?"  It's a radical change, and it's a hard change to continue to support.  I am just feeling like I am going uphill right now....  It's not THAT bad, but when you go to the store and you steer clear of everything else that used to tempt you before it can be hard.  It's hard to tell yourself that you don't need the donuts. You don't need the Lofthouse cookies.... If someone was to buy a package you could have one but you don't need to buy the package yourself.
It's a lifestyle change, and it's hard. But it's time to be brutally honest with myself. What I was doing was going to kill me.  I wasn't doing anything to change my life, other than to make it shorter.
It's hard to admit that... I was slowly killing myself by not taking care of myself. I need to start taking more control. I am not doing anything drastic, but I am doing what I need to so that I can be alive later.  I can have children when I meet the right guy. I can be happy.
That's the one thing that has changed, I am more happy than I have been in a LONG time.  I feel more happy, and I have more energy. I can do more, walk longer, and dance longer. I need to keep going and get half of myself lost so I can be the person I was born to be.  This journey has started, and I don't intend on it finishing.

I love wings, and these just took my breath away!

So while we were at the festival, I found a booth that had these STUNNING wings.  I know, fairies are everywhere and so are their wings. But THESE wings are handmade, hand painted and one of a kind. They make wands, wings, and outfits as well. They also make hats, and as I was standing there watching, two little girls got wings and hats, and the booth owner let them take 2 wands for free.  I was very impressed with his kindness, so I came closer to examine the works of art that were hanging on the booth.  I got permission from the booth owner to take pics, and I have contact information in case someone is interested in ordering some.  :)  I just HAVE to share some of the beauty!!!

 These are the ones for the little ones. They would be adorable on a baby, up to 2 years old I think is what he said. They are SO CUTE!!!  

 These are the BEAUTIFUL wands. They look just like flowers. I love it! 

 I SERIOUSLY want these wings!  I was floored with how beautiful they were, and the paint job is just... they left me speechless. 

 These are the wings that can be worn by Teenagers or adults.  They are SO fun, and not as extravagant as the wings on the walls. 

 These wings had peacock feathers on them, which helped to enhance how lovely they were! 

 These are sets for the kiddos. They had a skirt, a bracelet, and wings. And they were $35 for them, which made me want them a little bit more.  A complete outfit!  And so stinking cute! 

 The mermaid wings... Sigh... 

 Pink and glitter... Need I say more?  :) 

 These are the wings for the toddlers to the 9 year old kiddos. They are SO cute, and the flowers are hats!!! 

 More beautiful wings... The peacock feathers made them a bit more but SO worth it! 

 The colors.... 

 This set was calling my name, but I had to walk away from it... 

 The wings that look like leaves... the imagination just blows my mind! 

And THESE are the ones that I ended up getting for myself, and for my sister to be able to use in her Studio. 

  The flower hat was too cute, and this one I think is just for me.  I don't think I will be letting anyone else wear it.

This is the other pair of wings I got that I loved!  They are so soft and pretty... I just couldn't resist.

The Dickens Festival was FUN!

One of the perks of living where we do is that we are close enough to a lot of amazing things.  We are close to Disneyland, the San Diego Zoo, Sea World, Six Flags Magic Mountain, and Calico Ghost Town to name a few.  We have made amazing friends from all walks of life, and we are able to enjoy their company as often as possible.  One of the amazing things we have been able to do is to go down and see the "Charles Dickens Festival" where people are able to dress up in Victorian clothes and re-enact the time frame.  This is much like we do at the Renaissance Pleasure Fair in the spring.  I enjoyed walking around and seeing people in their outfits and how beautiful some of their clothes were.  I just had to share some of the joy, so I took pics to show. :)

 The Queen of the festival, Victoria. 

 The court with her Majesty. 

 I think that this was a princess.  The tiara kind of helps to support that thought.

 Our friend Susan.  Love her outfit, it's SO pretty! 

 Our friend Lewis.  Looking dashing! 

 Beautiful Brenda!  Such a talented lady! 

 Christina and her son... He is SO cute! 

 Her son was hiding behind her, but when he noticed me taking pictures he took drastic measures. 

 He was being shy, so he hid UNDER her skirt.  

 The cutie pie playing with a balloon. 

 High Tea with the nobility. 

 Another princess. :) 

 The queen.  

This is just a few of the pics, but I didn't want to share them all.  I had such a good time. It was incredible! And I got a few trinkets from it, since next year we are planning on joining in the fun and making costumes.

Reflections

So in 4 DAYS it will be 5 months since I started to change my life with this journey. I can't believe that it has almost 5 months.  I weighed in today, and it was a depressing 0.00 weight loss for the week. I stayed exactly where I was last week. But it's not a gain, so it's okay.  As I look back, I am surprised as to how much I have worked to keep myself on the path that I want to be on.  I have decided that I needed to change, and I am glad that I was strong enough to keep going. The biggest thing that I have had a challenge with has been the mindset.
When you start to loose the weight, you start to feel like "Wow, this is easy. Cut back on what I am eating, and it melts off!"  And yes, it does melt off when you start to cut back. But it is anything but easy. There is a constant battle going on inside your head.  There is the fight to stop yourself as you reach for that cookie during the day, and you have to ask yourself "Are you ready to stop eating them when you reach the serving size?"  If you aren't willing to stop, than the question becomes "Do you have enough points to be able to blow your entire day on those cookies?"  If you don't, than you have to ask yourself "do you have the extra points you are willing to spend on this indulgence?"  By this point, you have eaten 2 of the servings already, and decided it was worth it, right? :)
I was telling myself "This is so stupid, this is never going to work" for the first week.  I was angry, for about 3 weeks of starting this because I was telling myself I couldn't have what I wanted to have.  I was telling myself to stop indulging as much as I was, and I was trying to control myself.  This was the hardest thing, to tell myself to stop.  I can be very stubborn (I wonder where I get that from....) and it can be either good or bad. A lot of times it can be good, but with this situation it was almost a bad thing.  I was so stubborn about how I wasn't sure I wanted to do this, that I almost stopped myself before I started.  I almost quit in the 2nd week, when I lost another 3 pounds.  I had to fight back against myself as I thought "Why are you doing this?  This is so stupid... I am NOT going to count everything for the rest of my life.  I am just SO over this... This is the dumbest thing I have ever heard of."  It was so negative, and I was so wrapped up in what I thought I was loosing that I didn't see what I was gaining.
Here I am going to digress...
Isn't that how we are with life?  We sit there complaining about what we don't have, and we don't see what we do have, or what we are gaining instead.  Instead of complaining about what we think we should have, maybe we should see what we do have.  Instead of worrying about tomorrow, maybe we should be more thankful for today.  So while I have a larger frame, I am not complaining anymore about being a bigger woman.  I am going to be thankful that I have my health. That I have my figure slimming down, even if it is happening slowly. Because honestly, that's the most healthy thing I could do.  And it's not like I would ever (or could even afford) to go get surgery to loose the weight. If I was getting surgery, it would be on my eyes to help me not have to depend on contacts or glasses anymore. But at the same time, I am glad that we live in a time where we have modern medicine to allow us to be able to have plastic pieces to put into our eyes to allow us to see without having the lenses in front of us...  Ok I am done.  :) I will go back to what I was saying before.
So now I am back. Laughs. I may go off on tangents a little, since that's just who I am.
It was hard to look at food as more of a necessity than a comfort.  Food was always there for me, as nothing else could be.  My family was there, but sometimes I needed more than they could give because I felt like they weren't filling that need. So I would turn to chocolate.  I would turn to sweets, and fats that I didn't need. I would turn to things that "wouldn't let me down" and I would indulge. And I didn't stop indulging.  It was a crutch, and it was killing me slowly.
It has been hard to be on this journey. Mom has her group that she can go to, and be told how amazing she is doing and get these little trinkets to show her loss. She has been able to be supported and uplifted, and I have mom.  I have my friends, but I don't tell too many people I am doing this because I didn't want to feel judged.  I haven't even told my Grandmother on my dad's side yet, because I don't want her to judge me.  I don't want to have her make her comments about if I should eat something should she see me.  We have had a rocky relationship, because she was constantly watching what I put into my mouth and judging me for it. This happened because she wasn't happy with herself, and I feel NOW that she was trying to be helpful in her own way. I didn't see it at the time, but looking back on what I had been through I can see how she was trying to help. I hope that now I am doing this FOR ME and NO ONE ELSE we can actually have a relationship where I can feel like she sees me, and not what she would like to change reflected back at her.
I will say, I can totally and COMPLETELY understand how hard this is to do on your own. I will find myself in my room, and I would suddenly think "If you have something now, who would know?" Or right now, when no one is home I can't help but think "You can eat what you want, and as much as you want.  Who would know about it? No one is home."  That's when I have to slap that stupid, annoying voice down and say "You can't talk to me like that."  If it gets too annoying, I will go and steam some more carrots.  Or maybe some squash... Butternut Squash has become my addiction.  I have a little bit of butter, some salt, and a TINY bit of brown sugar in it, and than a dash of cinnamon, and it is DIVINE!  So good... little salty, sweet, and just fabulous.
If it's the motion of chewing I want, I will have some gum and that helps. Or if I think I am hungry, I will get some water.  Sometimes the brain confuses the messages, the body needs water not food and we interpret it as hungry again.  So it's important to get to know your body and what it REALLY is asking for.
And I digressed again. I am good at that. But, having your family support you in your decision is very important.  And ignoring the media.  The media will brainwash you to think you NEED to eat something, and it is not something that you need.
If your body is craving it, than eat it.  There is a reason that your body needs it, and take small, slow bites.  It helps to realize that the craving is being acknowledged, and is taken care of.  It validates it, and it allows your body to stop craving it.
So I have decided to allow myself to grow and be free.  Once I gave myself the permission to be free, to loose the attitude, and to stop using food as a crutch, I found myself able to dedicate myself to what I am doing.  I had to give myself the permission to let go.  I had to tell myself it is okay.  I am doing what I need to so that I can be as healthy as I can be.
This journey has helped to shape me,and helped me to be strong.  I need to allow myself to continue to move forward and stop holding myself back.  The hardest thing about loosing weight is admitting to yourself that you did this to yourself.  You punished yourself, for whatever reason.  You felt that you did something, and you didn't deserve to be happy so you punished yourself with the one thing that you could control and make yourself "feel better."
My life has changed and will continue to change.  I need to allow myself the permission to keep going, and stop holding myself back.  And I have decided to stop. And will keep stopping myself from holding myself back.
And one last thing... I had a friend ask me yesterday what changed because I had a sparkle about me.  Something to think about.  :) You sparkle....

Silence is Golden...

Today I got on the scale to weigh myself, and it was a fun thing to do.  I got on last night because I forgot to do it in the morning.  After eating all day, I was weighing in at 5 pounds lighter than last week (Thank goodness) and was excited to get up this morning and see how it translated.  Well, I got up and the scale said I was 3 pounds lighter instead, which made me kinda sad.  I was excited to see me within 4 pounds of my 50 pound weight loss goal. So I went and made breakfast, and got ready to get into the shower.  I showered (to warm up, it's FREEZING!!!) and got on the scale again (glutton for punishment) and was DELIGHTED to see that I had dropped again to 5.3 pounds lighter than last week.  I think I am going to count THAT weigh in as the one for the week. Laughs.  I was just too excited, and came back a little later and got the same results again.  So I am happy that it finally was where I wanted it to be.
This morning, I woke up to a sore throat and when I got a call to go to work I tried to talk to find I had no voice.  Now if I was going to do campus monitor, I could do that because I would rely on the whistle and not talk to the kids.  BUT this job offer was for an instructional associate, working one on one with a child.  I couldn't do that, I didn't want the children around me to get what I had. SO I had to decline and stay home.
I have spent the day in my room, in my bed.  I was warm in my bed, I LOVED being warm. And I was able to work on an afghan that I am making for my sweet niece for her 8th birthday.  8 years old, and getting baptized!  I am SO proud of her.  She is such a sweetie pie.
So today I am sitting at having dropped 4 pant sizes.  I am down from a size 28 to a size 22 in my jeans.  I am wearing a size 22 to 24 in my slacks, depending on the cut.  It is a HUGE accomplishment for me.  I also am able to fit into a smaller size top than I had in the past, I can put on a cami 2 sizes smaller than I was able to wear before.  It's an accomplishment for me to be able to be SO much closer to the 50 pounds I wanted to loose.  It is an excitement, and it really helps me when I think back on where I started.  And we just started this in September.  It's only been about 4 months, and I am already seeing the results I wanted. It's a LOT of hard work, to stop yourself when your body is telling you that it wants you to keep going. It's hard when you are craving something, so you give in and eat it.  Than you worry about going up in your weight loss.  And you worry about telling your family.  I haven't told my grandmother yet, as I want to surprise her with my progress the next time I see her.  I want to be down 75 pounds the next time I see her, which is possible.  I may be able to be at that goal by Michael's graduation in April.  We will see what happens.  But I am just grateful that I was able to be down some more instead of going up again.
And silence is golden because I have lost my voice.  I woke up this morning with my throat burning and my voice missing.  I hate that it hurts to talk, and I hate that it hurts to swallow.  I know this shall pass quickly, but for now, silence is golden.  :)

Little things make me smile

Tonight was a good night. I was able to go down and see an elder that served in our area for 9 months at his farewell from our area.  He is such a nice guy, and like a little brother to me.  I was glad that we were able to be there for him, and show him our love and support and congratulate him on being able to go home.  There was a fun little thing that happened, there was a group of people that was outside the doors, all elders in their jackets and name tags.  I was looking for a couple who was coming down, and I was saving them a seat when I saw the elders.  SO I smiled at one of them. Tall, cute, blonde, and I was happy that he was "going home" as I assumed that all the Elders out there were going to be leaving Tuesday.
Imagine my surprise when I was sitting there with my family, and this Elder I smiled at comes over, shakes my hand, and asks me which elder we are there to say goodbye to.  That was how I found out that he is STILL on a mission, not going home.  Still cute but..... You know... Found out that he was from Provo, and that he had never heard of our area.  I told him he needed to talk to Elder Nielsen about how well we feed the missionaries, and how we are a wonderful area.  It was great to smile and talk to him (AKA: Flirt) and just feel very attractive.  I had never had it happen where I smiled at someone, and off that smile they came over to talk to me.  It really makes you feel better about yourself when this happens to you.
So, this is just capping off a really fun weekend.  On Friday, I went dancing.  I haven't done that for a while, I haven't been able to afford to and there weren't any dances out here. So we had a large group of girls come with me, and we all got dolled up.  I even went so far as to have fake eyelashes and smokey eyes. I was not shy, and had a sparkly top.  The only thing that bummed me out was that I couldn't fit my formal dress, it was just a little too tight in the tummy and I didn't want the material shredding on me or having to fidget with the dress and adjust it all night.  So, we get there and it's very nicely decorated.  The only issue I am having is that I am not feeling it all of a sudden.  I just didn't want to be there after about 5 minutes. It wasn't because of the people I was with, I think it was because of the people that I wasn't with. My best friends couldn't be there, and my girls are either married or moved that I usually hit these scenes with. So I had some other girls come with me, and I didn't know how much dancing they were going to do or if they even wanted to dance. For me, it's all about dancing with your friends.  Feeling confident and comfortable, enjoying the music and feeling the joy of what is around you.
So the music is going on during the dinner, we are enjoying the music and the conversation isn't that bad.... But we all get done and I am looking around and it is a very small turn out.  I would have thought since they were feeding everyone that more people would have come... Apparently not. But than again, this is the High Desert. You can't really count on anyone to do anything.
They planned on having the dinner portion for about an hour and a half, and I was getting bored so I took out the yarn and the hat I was crocheting since I knew that it may happen and I needed to keep my hands busy.  (It's a job hazard, from Massage Therapy I think..) So I was sitting there crocheting, and was content, and thinking about leaving before it even started.  As sad as it was, I didn't want to be there because I was feeling under-dressed as everyone else there was in their formal wear and I was in church clothes.  It also was hard because I am so much older than everyone else there, so I started to feel like I was babysitting everyone.  So instead, I grabbed my camera and started to take a few shots of everyone dancing and waited for the music to get good. There was one song that we danced to (We Are Never Ever Getting Back Together) and that was before the dance proper started.
So once the dance started, we were able to get our groove on, and it ended up being a blast. I had to let go, I had to stop holding myself back, and I had to allow myself to have fun.  It was an amazing feeling to allow myself to have the freedom to be confident and just enjoy the time.  There was one point where I was singing along to the song, looking at the girls around me, and I honestly felt that this was the happiest I had been in the longest time.  I was grateful that the girls came, and that we were able to come out with me.
I was able to see old friends, get some great pictures, and spend time with those who matter most to me.  We stayed until about 11:15, but by then my feet started to swell a little, and my hips and legs were burning form all the dancing (best workout EVER) and I was tired. So instead, we went to Wal-Mart at 11:30.  Yup, we decided we wanted Chocolate.  Dressed in Formal and Church Dress, at Wal-Mart at 11:30 in Hesperia California.  Yeah... the poor workers.  We were also incredibly hyper.  Four girls. Just imagine... 3 of them are in heels that are insane. I was in boots. :) I wasn't so silly.  So we are walking around, grabbing our Chocolate and singing and laughing.  And some dancing as well.  :)  We even were asked why we were so dressed up by a stock person. It was funny to see the looks they were giving us.
I got home and to bed by 1.  Than I had this tonight, and I was able to put on pants that are 5 sizes smaller than I used to have to buy.  That's right.  FIVE SIZES SMALLER!!  I used to wear a REALLY large size, but they had them in my style and this size I thought I would try for kicks and giggles.  They fit like a GLOVE. So of course I HAD to get them.  This has been the best weekend I have had in a long time.
And this is why the little things in life make me smile.  :)

Another day, another battle

Telling yourself you are going through a lifestyle change is hard, but I think saying you are on a diet would be a lot harder.  It's easier to say you are going off a diet, it is also easier to cheat yourself when you are on a diet.
I am having a lifestyle change, and while it is hard, it is something that I had to do. I feel more confident than I did before, and while I can't see immediate changes, I will say that I am seeing a change in my pants.  I was pushing a really large size, and recently was able to fit into pants that are 3 sizes smaller than the pants I was fitting in before.  Of course, this depends on the pant itself, and the cut of the pants.
Jeans are a little harder to squeeze into, there is not as much give as slacks.  That can be a little depressing, however when you see your pants going down and your tops are going slower. It's like "Can't you go down together?  Why is it just loosing on the bottom???"  I will say that I am fitting better in my clothes, and tops that used to be super tight are now fitting better.  However, it is annoying that while my clothes are fitting better, I am still not at the size that I would like to be.
However, when I look back I am glad for where I am.  I am a lot more healthy now than I was.  And while working yesterday and today at the High School and walking around for 3 1/2 hours each time isn't ideal, it did allow me to walk off most of what I ate during the day.  It was crazy to stand there, in the cold at 6:30 in the morning and watch the sun rise, but it was beautiful.
I don't regret my decision, it's just a lot more work than I am used to. And I hope to be able to keep this going.  I weigh myself tomorrow morning, and I have currently lost 43 lbs. I will hopefully go down, but sometimes I go up and that's OK. Sometimes you have to go up before you drop again.

I am grateful that my mom is doing this, because this is allowing me to take the control I need to have in my life. This was me before I started this whole thing...

This is me now.  I will add more as they come up.  I think my face looks a bit smaller, but that could just be me.  :) Here's to more weight coming off, and more joy in who I am.

A mostly hard day

Today was kind of hard to be honest. For some reason, I just wanted to keep eating today.  I wanted to eat more Oreo's than I should.  I wanted to eat more candy than I should.  I wanted to just keep eating. I wasn't satisfied, but I wasn't hungry.  I had the desire to just keep going, and I hate it. I hate that I have that fat person still inside me, whispering that the amount I am eating isn't enough.  I hate that it's still telling me to eat more, and to blow off all this hard work that I had done to this point.
I will continue to fight that desire, and that urge. But I don't want to keep fighting this urge, I need to figure out how to stop it. There is something that is triggering that desire, and I need to figure out what it is.  I know I crave Chocolate at certain times, and I know that I can sometimes crave the motion of eating. That's where gum really comes in handy.  However, I also know that I don't need to eat everything I can get my hands on.  I need to control my emotions, and to keep myself from destroying myself.
I did eat, and I did stop myself. I didn't eat more Oreo's than I should, but I did have 1 more than I should. I had 2 servings of Mini Chewy Sweettarts, and I had gum.  Lots of gum.  I stopped myself before I was too bad, but it was HARD.  Insanely hard. And I hope to keep my resolve strong.

Times are changing, and so is my pant size!

I will admit, that this has been a long time coming.  I have had thoughts that I needed to work on myself to make myself more healthy. I have felt that I needed to start to exercise, and that I needed to be more careful.  I tried to adjust what I was eating, and thought I was doing OK.  I had a friend who wanted to do a food journal with me, and we both never did a thing about it.  We kept thinking we were OK, and we could do what we wanted.
Well, my mother decided to start with a weight loss program, and I felt that she needed the support. Therefore, I decided to support my mother and do it with her.  I didn't know if my father would give her the support she needed and I knew I had to do something to help to save my life.
So I started on my "Lifestyle change" and went on Pinterest to figure out just how many points I could do, and what I was going to be doing with my life. I was like "Oh, this is going to be SO easy!!  I can do this, it's not going to be much of a change."
Little did I know, just how much I was going to change.  I had to measure EVERYTHING.  I had to write down every single LITTLE thing that I put into my mouth.  I had to watch how much sugar I ate, and how much exercise I had. I thought it was STUPID and I couldn't understand exactly what I was doing and why I was doing this.  I didn't even weigh myself to start, as I was terrified to get on that scale and see what the number was that was looking up at me. I was in denial, and I was terrified because I kept telling myself "I don't look that bad... I am not THAT heavy."
I did this for a week, and it was hard.  It was the most hard thing I had to do, to deny all my cravings, to deny all my desires, and to tell myself that the small portions would be enough for me to do.  I told myself that I was full, regardless of the fact that my brain was screaming at me that I was insane to eat so little. I had went from these MASSIVE plates to these small plates, measuring a half a cup of potatoes or a cup of cereal.  I went from eating whatever I wanted to eating more fruits, more salads, vegetables, and washing off my fruit when it came from the can.
By the time this week was over, and I had denied any soda, any chocolate, any junk food and was CRAZY about eating just fruits and vegetables, some eggs, and measuring everything.  I will be honest, I don't know how much I weighed when I started, but to get on the scale and see the numbers looking back up at me, I wanted to cry.  I had let myself get to the point where I knew I was unattractive.
I let myself get to a point that I didn't even love myself. I punished myself with food, with chocolate, and withheld love from myself.  I was not happy, I was devastated to see the person who was staring back at me.  I didn't realize until that moment just what I had done to myself, and just how much I was punishing myself for what I believed I had done in my past.
However, this was when I took control.  I had to realize I wasn't that person anymore, I wasn't that person that needed to turn to food to feel love.  I didn't need to be that person anymore, I needed to change and this was the first step in changing that.  I needed to allow myself to be loved, and stop punishing myself.
I was punishing myself for what happened in the past.  I had allowed myself to fall hard for some guys, and they didn't reciprocate that feeling.
I had one guy that I fell for hard, and I know that he did care about me like that, but his friends got to him and changed his mind.  When someone tells you they love you, and than take it back it does something to you.  It makes you question EVERYTHING that you thought or saw with what he did, said, or how he treated you.  I also had to realize I didn't want a guy that was so wishy washy. I wanted him to stand up for me, and he didn't. So I punished myself for feeling that way about him... and that was wrong. I have come to terms that I did that to myself, and I am working past it.
I am turning away from food, and working on myself more and more now than ever.  It's amazing to see the pant sizes going DOWN instead of going up.  I have currently lost 43 lbs, including Christmas.  The amazing thing is that I was able to go through Thanksgiving and loose 2 lbs, and than go through Christmas (and all the cookies and fudge and goodies) and not gain a pound.  I have learned that I need to moderate everything. I need to take control of my life, and not let food control me.  I need to be more of who I am and stop being the victim.
I have been a victim for so long, a victim of food.  I will no longer be that victim.  I stop eating when I am full. I will not clear my plate.  I will not take more than I need to take. I will not snack all day long, and I will not eat more sugar than I need to.
I am going to keep going on my journey, and I have a long way to go.  I didn't end up loosing the 50 I wanted to by Christmas, but I was able to loose 42 lbs. I have lost 3 pant sizes for my slacks.  I am more confident, and I am going to keep going.  I want to be able to say by the summer that I have lost 100 lbs.  I don't know if I will be at that point, but that is OK.  I will be working my absolute hardest to make myself feel the confidence I deserve to feel. I will also be working on allowing myself to feel the love I deserve.
I am really good at giving, I am just not as good at receiving.  And that's something else I am going to work on.

It's a new year, and I have to work on me.  So that's what I am going to do.