Why do I do this?

I complain that things are so hard. I can't see how anything is going to work out. But I know it will. One way or another, it has to. Things can't always get so bad that you can't see the good.

I am able to spend time with my wonderful family. I HAVE a job, FINALLY!!! Yes, bills are due and I am working on getting them paid. But I am not homeless. I have money coming in. Things will be tight. But things will be all right. I just have to keep going, and realize that.

I am going to be going back to school for nursing, I think. That should help out a lot. It's just a waiting game, and lots of hard work coming up.

Can't I just quit?

Everything should be easier when you are an adult. You have a job, you have a family that you are close to, you don't have prince charming but that's okay. You have a car that you love. No one said anything about the money aspect.

Massage is the way I know I can make my talents pay off, but the market isn't exactly the best right now for that. So, how do you keep going? Trials are just piled up, and I can't seem to see through them. I can't seem to keep my head on straight right now, let alone look in the right direction.

I don't know where to start. I don't know where I should go. I just know that I am spinning my wheels, and I don't even know how to stop. I hate feeling so drifty, and undirectional. I went from working 2 jobs to working 1, looking for a second, knowing that everything will work out but I have to work to make it happen.

SO where do you start when you don't even know where you're going? Can't I just quit?

Tag, You're it now!!

Since I got tagged by my sister it is only fair that I do what she did and fill this out. Now that you have read mine, you have to do the same. it's a rule! HAHAHA!! I am evil, but please. It would be great to see what you put.

8 things I'm passionate about:
1. My family fulfilling their dreams.
2. My niece and nephews.
3. Nature
4. Photography
5. My beliefs/religion
6. Movies
7. Music
8. Reading

8 books I've read and enjoyed:
1. Book of Mormon/Bible
2. Lynn Gardner's books period!!
3. Harry Potters
4. The Twilight series. Yes, all of them. Including the NEW one.....
5. The Host. AMAZING!!!
6. The Lord of The Rings, and the Hobbit.
7. Conflict Of Interest
8. Pretty much all the books on my bookshelf... Or in boxes at this moment.

8 Words/Phrases I say often:
1. Laughs.
2. Ah-may-za-za-zhing.
3. I love you!!
4. Hey Gorgeous!
5. Ask your Mommy and Daddy.
6. Mommy said No, Aunt Catherine can't say Yes.
7. Holy Hannah!!
8. Thank You.

8 things I want to do before I die:
1. Get my first kiss.
2. Get Married... Laughs.
3. Raise my kids in the gospel and see them married in the Temple.
4. Make the world a better place for my children by example.
5. Travel the world
6. Serve a couples Mission
7. Celebrate 50 years of happy marriage
8. Never regret a moment of my life.

8 things I've learned this past year
1. Family is always there for you, no matter what!!
2. People can surprise you after all.
3. Your heart isn't as locked up as you think it is.
4. Kids have a way of reaching into your chest, taking your heart, and not giving it back.
5. I can go swimming without burning! REALLY?!?!?
6. It's amazing how much fun it is to live with little kids!
7. Car shopping does suck, but the end results are great!
8. Dating doesn't suck as much as I thought it did.

8 places I want to see:
1. New Zeland
2. Germany
3. England
4. Scotland
5. Sweden
6. Africa
7. Hawaii
8. Italy

8 Things I currently want
1. A Date. Laughs
2. My career to take off in California.
3. To not worry about money any more.
4. NO more debt
5. Clear skin.
6. A pool
7. Time and money to scrapbook
8. Anne Of Green Gables on DVD

Amazing how many people care.

Moving has been an adjustment. An adjustment for my sister, mother, brothers, father, niece, nephews, everyone. (Yes, my brother-in-law is also included in here, he is considered one of my brothers to me.) Things are finally starting to sink in that I have moved. It's not so much a "This is a vacation" it is feeling much more real, and everything is starting to sink in.
I know that once I am working it will feel much more like I am actually living here, instead of just visiting. It is also funny that how antsy I am getting is transmitting to my family members. My sister is feeling it, the kids are feeling it, and I think it's my fault that the kids are so rambunctious.
It's hard to get used to being around a family all the time. I am used to being in my room, by myself watching movies because it's where my bed is and I love to lay on my bed. I am used to not coming out and just watching a TV series because I have nothing else to do. I am not used to having the kids worry about me and check on me, tell me that "I am hungry" and that I need to come eat with them. I am used to skipping lunch or breakfast. I am not used to having 3 meals a day, sitting down with a family.
But I am loving it. I love that the kids are so concerned, and by kids I mean Alexander. He makes sure his mommy and I both eat, he makes sure that Baby Camden eats, and that Ariana sits and eats. It's actually really adorable because he is ONLY 4 YEARS OLD!!!
I love that my sister is concerned about me. I am more solitary because that is what I have done for the past 7 years. I was by myself, even when I was surrounded by friends. They would leave, and I would be all alone again. I would have parties, but when I wasn't working what did I do? I would call my family, do laundry, and watch a movie or a series of movies all day.
Which is why I enjoy so many shows. My family so lovingly calls me "Blockbuster." I am not upset by the nickname, it's actually really fitting.
I love that I have movies for the kids to watch. And I am crazy, because I don't care how messy my room is, how disorganized my closet is, or how much laundry I have to do. If my movies are out of order at all, like not alphabatized, I freak out!! They HAVE to be in Alphabetical order. So if they aren't, I am the first one to notice and the fastest one to make that corrected. It really drives me crazy.
So, to close this I would like to say it's amazing how many people care about you. When you live alone and you come home to visit, it's trying to cram in as much as you can in the amount of time you have. When you move home, it's an adjustment, but the harder it is to adjust, the more you know that your family cares.

Swimming at Aunt Judy's

It was SO much fun! On Saturday the family went down to Aunt Judy's pool and we were able to go swimming. YAY!! Look at these cutie pies:


Alex kept getting cold, so he sat out and tried to get warm in the sun. The poor guy was shivering!! But what a little daredevil! He went to the diving board, and would jump off, legs kicking, into the pool! I almost had a heart attack the first time he did it. But his floaters were on, and he came up smiling and laughing. Thank goodness for floaties!!


Ariana was proving that she was swimming. She kept going around in circles and telling her mommy "I'm swimming!"


Something was getting to Camden, his allergies are pretty bad and we can't figure out what it is. He didn't like the pool either. Poor kid!!


We had our cousins come and we were able to get them in the pool as well. It was nice to see her. I haven't seen her since her second youngest was in diapers! Now she has 8 kids, and that blows me away! 6 years since I've seen them I think it was. Blah!!!
This beach ball was the hit of the pool! Everyone loved to play with it, but Ariana was the biggest fan. She wanted it to be near her at all times!

Obviously, there are no pictures of me! I did that for a reason!! It was a blast to see everyone, and be there with the kids, my sister, brother-in-law and mother. I got to see my Great Grandma Vera, Aunt Judy and Uncle John. I loved every minute!!

Waiting... No one enjoys it!!

Horray and happy day, my transfer went through! I am now working at the Apple Valley Lane Bryant. Now the bad news... I have no money, waiting on a paycheck, and won't start working until NEXT WEEK!!! AUGH!!! I am so going crazy!

I went from 2 jobs to none, and now I am working on getting my second job. I adore my sister, and her kids. I am grateful that they are letting me stay with them. I am not going crazy because of them. It's because of me. I have nothing to do. Nowhere to go, and nothing to go anywhere with. These are the times that I buy movies. When I have nothing to do, I get a movie. I watch it like 4 times while scrapbooking and doing laundry.

Right now I should go, I am trying to stay out from underfoot but it's 10:20 and I am still in my pajamas. I should get dressed. Hopefully I can get something done today, instead of driving everyone crazy including myself.

I HATE MONEY!!!

Moving and money are the two things that never seem to go hand in hand. I was told I was going to be able to transfer, no problem to the Lane Bryant in California. I am finding that the NO PROBLEM was a little bit more of a problem than it should be.

I went into one store and talked to the manager, and that was a big fat no. She was nice, but the place was not right for me at all. So I got in touch with the second store that was on the list. That was a yes! HORRAY!! Somewhere for me to go to feel good about going to work again. I also got an application in the school district to be able to get some Sub work done while I was waiting for my massages to pick up. So far, nothing. NO calls, nothing. I hate not knowing what is going on.

Out of a list of like 40 people, only 1 so far is a possibility to get some money. I am GRATEFUL!! Oh so grateful! I have bills due soon, and though I get paid today in Utah, I have to get the money mailed to me, cash the check, and hope it's enough that I can get my cell phone paid and get some gas in my car. I just hate money! Oh ya, and pay the student loan, but they should be cool and give me a pass or something so I can pay it in a few months or something.

So, I need to get as many massages as possible so that I can keep myself afloat, instead of worrying about how to make a car payment, pay insurance, rent, cell, LB and the bank. Thankfully I don't have any credit cards, but at this point in time it feels like life would be so much easier with them. Oh gosh, I don't need more debt. OH ya, there's also my student loans. FUN STUFF! I am going to have to go back to school. I HATE MONEY!!!!

SEARS PHOTO SUCKS!!

My sister took her kids in to get their pictures taken, and the photographer was HORRIBLE!!! She not only wouldn't take the picture when the kids were ready, she took pictures that made the kids look possessed or psycho. It was not the best thing in the world, but we thankfully are not going to be going back. At least not to that photographer.

Sometimes being a woman.....

Can really stink! I LOVE that I am able to be cute, and flirt, and be seen as a powerhouse while I am really fragile and sweet. I like to think of myself as a momma Panda Bear. Cute and cuddly, but you mess with me and you better run.

I just don't know how to be all soft and fragile with dating. I attack everything in life like it was some obstacle that I need to get over. But dating is a whole different wall.

You are taught that the woman shouldn't ask the man, you should let him ask you. Sure, you can hint, such as waving huge red flags in his face that say "Ask Me Out" and guys inevitably would look at you and say "Nice flags!"

You are also taught to not call the man. You don't want to appear too desperate in your attempts to get his attention that you call him 100 times in 5 hours and leave 20 messages begging him to call you back because you REALLY need to talk to someone about how someone looked at you wrong, and you are hysterical.

We are taught that we are not to laugh too hysterically to the point you sound like a hyena. Inevitably this will cause the man to wonder what is wrong with you and not ask you out. You should save that for a 3rd date. Or even better, engagement. You should instead go for the sweet giggle, or the cute monkey laugh. Don't go for the Hyena laugh until there is no backing out.

You are also taught to wait in the car for him to get the door for you. That is a great idea, except for when you are sitting in the car as he races across the parking lot to get to the movie on time because he got lost coming to get you. By the time he notices you aren't with him, he has his ticket in hand, and turns to ask you if you have enough money for yours. Then there is the embarrassment on his face as he races back, determined to make the movie on time, rips the door off the hinges, throws you on his back, and races back to the theater window while you desperately hang on to your dignity and your skirt that you thought would be cute to wear. Of course, you probably didn't plan on being a backpack for your date either.... You get your tickets, race to the theater, and because of your dates actions didn't miss a single second of... THE PREVIEWS!!

And then there is the awkwardness of a first date at a movie. You spend 2 hours making no conversation, trying desperately to not touch in the matchbox seats that are the movie theaters with the arm rest up to try to allow both of you enough room (while secretly you don't mind sitting in his lap) and try to not talk too much to disturb the people sitting around you.
Never mind that 2 rows up are a bunch of teenagers talking on their cell phones, and predicting what is going to happen before it does. And being RIGHT!!

After the movie is over, you sit and talk about... THE MOVIE!! I mean, you just watched it so you have to discuss it now right? So therefore, there is NO opportunity to get to know eachother.

Of course, you could have picked bowling. What's more fun than getting your fingers stuck in a bowling ball because the only one you can handle is a very light ball with small finger holes so there is a loud Sucking sound as it comes sliding off your fingers, clunks down in the middle of the lane and sits there, in the huge dent on the floor waiting for you to summon up the rest of your dignity to push it granny style and get it in the gutter.

And then, that opens up his comments about how he dances about as well as you bowl, which is actually an insult when you go to a dance and he looks like he is a chicken that just got it's head cut off, broke both wings and has 2 left feet.

So in this day and age where more and more people are hanging out, making out with no commitment, and just being too scared to date, where do you go to put up the sign that says "Dating opportunities available. Please only SERIOUS MEN need apply. Return Missionaries a Must, please put applications in the box"?

I would LOVE to find that stand. I will be the first in line. :)

Update...

Things have actually started to look up for me out here. I went to Apple Valley and talked to the ladies at the DOUBLE PLATINUM Lane Bryant, and they seemed really excited about me. That's a HUGE thing. It's like a Victoria's Secret for us lovely full figured women next to our clothing store. WOW!!!

I am getting my hair cut tomorrow, and I am loving the time with my niece and nephews. I love my family, and they have made the adjustment not so hard. There are times where I go into my room and just lay on my bed thinking about how things have changed, and how things seem different, and how it still hasn't sunk in!! I still don't feel like I have moved here at all!! I don't think it will sink in until I start working. That will be nice.

I will keep everyone updated as much as possible. I hope that there will be more to report in the upcoming months.

I love my family.

My sister is also adorable, she creates AMAZING tags and papers. I love this one she made for me!

Had to show it off!

Love it!

This is my first ever tag I made with my sisters help. She is absolutely AMAZING!! I had no idea what I was doing, but she taught me. I like it for my first attempt.

CALIFORNIA!!!

I AM HOME!!! I know that I have lived in Utah for 7 years and that was technically home, but I feel complete. I feel like everything I was missing is coming together now. I feel like I am going to be able to move forward now, since I feel like I have been stuck for so long. I am having difficulties right now with my job, and the "sure thing" that it was to transfer down here, but I don't care.

I feel like I am biding my time and that there is something that is going to change my life forever. I can't explain why it is, or what it is. I am not looking for anyone or anything. I am not praying that I am going to find someone or something. I am done looking. I can't handle it anymore. I am so tired of the rejection, the pain, and the hassle. The constant wondering. The worry. What good does all that accomplish?

We need to be able to be happy, so I started to be happy when I got back to California. It's absolutely amazing how all the stress will just melt away and how all you are left with is an amazing calm and absolute joy that comes from just letting go. I let go of all the stuff I couldn't control. AMAZING!! It feels so good.