I'm so tired. It's good.

Wow, today was sure not a restful day. I worked both jobs, and now I am up and should really be in bed but oh well.
I am starting to tell people that I am moving, and people are having mixed reactions. Everyone seems to ask me why. That got me to thinking why do people move? What is it about moving that has people doing it? Why do you feel the need for somewhere new? I am doing it because I need a change. I need to go home to be happy. I have better opportunities out there, the climate is better, I don't have to worry about DEER or any other large animal jumping on my hood of my car. But I also don't want to do this because I am afraid of going on. I want everyone to know that I am doing this because it's right for me. I need it for MY sanity and my strength.

My mother put it very well tonight when we spoke about it. She told me I left home a little girl, and I am returning a woman. I did leave home a girl, very shy and outgoing when you got to know me. Very wet behind the ears, unsure as to what I should do with my life. Afraid to make a mistake or get hurt. And now I am a woman, confident and poised. Moving for a career opportunity and for experiences to strengthen my life with my family. I am moving for me.

I am the woman I needed to become because I moved to Utah 7 years ago. Now it's time for me to go home. It's going to be bittersweet because I love my friends, but it's going to be amazing because I love my family SO much more. No offense, but they know me better. They have seen my good and bad. When everyone else runs away, they run to me. They know what button to push to stop me from melting down. They know me inside out. I think that's why God gave us families.

So please don't be concerned as to why I am going home. It's for me. It's for my sanity and happiness. I hope everyone understands that. If not, than I am sorry. But it's for me. I can't worry about you. Please be happy for me.

Wow. It's Sunday. Today had some serious revelation for me. I realized that the ward I felt I belonged to for so long is no longer home. I am going home.
I am OFFICIALLY telling everyone I am leaving. I have toyed with the idea, said maybe I will do it, but now it is official. And it scares me to death.
I am not too scared, but at the same time I am. I am not scared because I will be with family. I am scared because of the cost that will be involved, and I am scared because of the insecurity as to the job situation. I know that I have people willing to let me work on them in California which helps immensely to take the weight off my shoulders. But I also know that I have to put in a ton of work to get them to come to pass, and I am tired of working. I am tired of trying SO hard to make ends meet. I am so tired of not having what I need, and not being able to be happy because I am always tired.
I think I need to change my attitude, and I am going to work on that starting today. I am going to try to improve how I see things, and how I do things. I NEED to, so I can be stronger tomorrow because of today.

What is a day off?

I have decided that a day off is a myth, something that you tell someone that they can have if they are REALLY good, and then it gets ripped out from under your feet as they laugh and say "Ya RIGHT!!!"

When you depend on someone else, you run the risk of being disappointed. They will inevitably let you down, either because they don't feel like doing what they are doing, or they just don't care. I don't know which is worse.

So, I am dedicating this rant to those who work their butts off. To those who keep holding on to the promise of a day off, while it may not be in sight. To the promise of those whom could have a day off, only to have that rug ripped out from under them.

So I ask, what is a day off? Really?

Decisions are amazing. They take the world off your shoulders.

So, it is decided. I AM moving to California in August. I got the confirmation I need, and though it scares the heck out of me, I know it's what I need to do for me. I just PRAY that I can get a job massaging very fast and make good money so I can make all my bills. Or at least have people whom are willing for me to come to their house and make money that way massaging them at home.

It is rather nice having the decision made, it sure makes the worry less because once you know what you are going to do you can go forward and be happy. I know it will make me happy to be around my family and around my niece and nephews. I am VERY happy to be able to be closer to them. They are my life. And being able to be there for holidays will increase my joy SO much!!

I am VERY excited to talk to my sister in person, instead of on the phone because it is more fun to see her face when I say something stupid.

Looking for a job is going to be hard, but I should hopefully have a job down there that I can start right away, at Lane Bryant. Then when I get better and paid more because of massage, I can QUIT and just do that. THAT WILL BE THE DAY!!!

Better Go, have to get to work. Yay!!

Today was kind of weird. I can't believe all the emotions that are rolling through me right now. I have confusion because I don't know when I should call someone or even if I should try. I have anxiety because I don't know if a certain someone feels the same way as I feel about them. I have giddiness because it may be something that works out, but if it doesn't I have opened up which hasn't happened for a LONG time. I also have sadness, because I live so far away from my family and want to be with them more than anything. The future is unclear, and that scares me more than people can know. I like to be in control. I like to know what is going to happen.
I like to say "This is how my future will turn out" and see it happen. But the more I go, the more I realize that I have ABSOLUTELY no control over what is going to happen, or when.

I want more than anything to be able to move on with my life, and feel like I have a purpose besides just helping people to get rid of pain. I want to be able to hold my child in my arms, and I want to be able to see them grow. I want to be able to have someone who is there with me, who will hold me when I am sad and comfort me. I need someone who is able to make me laugh when I am mad, make me calm down when I am uptight, and who can keep me sane. I have a tendancy to be high strung, and kind of excitable. I won't lie, I like my life to be a little nuts because then I can't concentrate on how lonely I feel.

Lonliness has to be the worst thing in the world. It can poison you and make you feel like nothing. It's horrible.

I won't let it poison me, I ignore it. Or just avoid it. I try to surround myself with people so I don't have time to feel lonely. But sometimes you find, that is when you are the MOST lonely.

I look forward to the time where I can have all my dreams come true, but until then I will focus on now. I won't look at my future, for it's such a fluid concept and changes with every decision that is made that it's not stable until it happens.

I look forward to now, to what I know is definite. My family loves me and wants what's best for me. I love them with all my heart.

I KNOW the gospel is true. I have a STRONG testimony of this. I will not fail, I will not stop. And I will not let my Savior down.