Christmas

I am very grateful for family now more than ever. I went with my parents to visit my great-grandmother in Glendora, and realized just how blessed I am. She is 90 years old, and still alive. She cried when we left, and that made me want to run back, throw my arms around her and tell her that I LOVE her. No matter what, I will always love her.

She has, as she puts it, no friends that are still alive.

I have a lot of friends that are alive, that made me want to get in touch with them better.

She has no sense of smell anymore, so she can't taste much of the food she eats.

I can smell everything, sometimes unfortunately. That made me want to enjoy the ability to taste more.

She hates Christmas because she has never felt more alone, and it reminds her of how lonely she is.

I love Christmas because I am surrounded by loved ones, and reminds me of how loved I am.

This Christmas really made me sit back and appreciate the big and little things in my life. I am SO incredibly grateful for the gospel. The Church Of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints has made me the woman I am today. The experiences I have been through, and knowing that the Lord is helping me through it has made me rejoice in my life, and look forward to the future. I know what my path is, and I am incredibly grateful for that. I know that Christ was born. He Lives. He died for us, but he lives still. He was resurrected. He suffered for all our sins, but He does care for us, and want us to be happy. He wants us to return to his presence. He loves us more than I can comprehend.

This Christmas season I am trying to really evaluate the important gifts in my life, and let go of the menial, the trivial, and the petty. I am grateful for family, the Gospel, the Lord, and the trials in my life. They are making me stronger. I am grateful that the best is yet to come. I still have a LONG life ahead of me, and I am going to strive every single day to keep working harder, visit my friends and family more, and love with everything in me. I want to live my life so that when I am 90, with my friends and family gone I can look back and be joyful of the life I lived like my Great-Grandmother does. She is a remarkable woman. She helps me to remember to LIVE, not survive.

It SNOWED!!! AND A LOT TOO!!!

I have pictures on Facebook, but for those whom don't have access to it here are some to show you JUST how much we got. It's CRAZY!!! Now, this toy was in the back yard, and it was my gauge of how much we got. It has a LOT of snow on it, and if you notice it's still snowing.

This was last night, poor thing was buried. We got between 2 and 2 and 1/2 feet of snow yesterday.

Here is some pictures from this MORNING:We were playing in the snow with the kids, and here is some proof of that. It was SO much fun... Christina and I took a MILLION pictures.

Christina had to see how much snow was in the front, so she went out and stood in it. Look at how HIGH it goes on her.


Ariana LOVED the snow. She couldn't get enough of it. Playing and throwing it, she even ventured out into deep parts that no one walked in.


Camden didn't like the snow at all... He wanted to be held. He did NOT want to play in it.


Alex was having fun too. He was a fan of the snow, wanted to throw it at people mostly. He also wanted to stay on the porch, where it wasn't that deep.

Ray had the most fun. He knocked Christina over a few times. That's what husbands are for, right?

Riding a Holly Jolly Blog Train,

For those whom like Digital Scrapbooking, there is the COOLEST blog Train going on right now. It starts here and goes for 80 stops. That's a LOT of REALLY cool kits in this. Please feel free to ride with me, and don't forget it's all FREE!! That's right! :) I love digital Scrapbooking, and hopefully everyone will be able to get some cute stuff to dress up the FABULOUS pictures that they are sure to be snapping right now. :D

Speaking of Christmas, it's SNOWING AGAIN!! I never thought I would be happy to see snow again, but I really am. It's SO beautiful. And it's coming down hard. I'll get some pictures up later after it stops, and maybe a few of the huge fat flakes! :D Happy Holidays, and MERRY CHRISTMAS!!!

Crazy times

So I was going along, feeling just fine when I hit a brick wall. My stomach started to hurt, nothing serious. I have stomach problems off and on, and get motion sick very easily. So I didn't think anything of it. And then I couldn't seem to get warm. I was feeling very cold, and that is NOT a normal thing for me, I am always warm.
I kept going like nothing was wrong, and then suddenly I felt very worn out and very tired. I couldn't understand why all this was going on. So last night, I went to bed early. I woke up about 11 o'clock and took my temp. Slight fever. Explained the chills. And the being tired. So it only got up to about 100.3 as far as I know, I slept fitfully. I woke up like 6 times and finally got to a good, deep sleep when I was woken up this morning to my nephew playing with the ANNOYING "Tickle, Tickle, Wiggle, Wiggle" bear that laughs and vibrates. And it's nose lights up. At 7:30 in the morning. I thought I was going to leap out of my skin when that thing went off.
But then I also had a Massage today, which I REALLY didn't want to do but couldn't get out of. So I got showered, went to work, did the massage and dragged myself back home. As I pulled into the driveway, my sisters new puppy ran out to greet me and sat down in front of my car. I had to put the car in park, pick up the dog, and finish driving to my spot with her in my arms. Then she was put in the backyard, I crawled into bed, and slept until the kids got home with my sister.
Didn't expect the day to go like this, hopefully it's all over and I can sleep well tonight.

Holidays are amazing!

This Christmas season is an amazing thing for me. I am used to being gone for all the fun of decorating the tree, setting up the lights, and being around with family to enjoy the count down. I am used to being at work, getting excited to come down here and be with the family.

I love being able to be here for all the little things. The countdown calendars. The Christmas tree. The kids begging to watch the same Christmas movie again and again. The family getting together and planning what we are going to be doing this week. I totally missed that. I also missed being annoyed with the family for butting in, or not listening to what I was trying to tell them. Laughs. It's funny how you miss stupid things like that.

I am so excited for this Christmas. I am so excited for the fights if there are any, the anticipation and knowing that I don't have to leave this all behind to go back to a frozen wasteland.... Well, maybe not a wasteland but still... I don't have to leave it all behind. That's fantastic!

I am praying that this Christmas season is going to be magical for everyone, because this Christmas season is going to be magical for me.

WORK IS SLOW!!!!

It's so not the best time to be in the service industry. Work is killing me. I need to have something more to do, like seriously. I do Massage Therapy, for those who do not know. I work at Day Spa Jolie, and it's seriously slow. I normally average about 10 massages a week, and so far I have done 1 this week. The problem isn't that we aren't getting appointments, it is that people are canceling and not showing up for them. So I get excited, but no one comes and I am sitting there waiting for the next phone call or text asking me to come in.

I guess you do what you gotta do. But if you see me and I am bald, please don't be alarmed. I just pulled out all my hair in frustration. Or burned it all trying to perfect a hairstyle, I don't know. The second one may be more humorous....

Pictures of me....

So... I totally love my hair. I know, retarded but I totally do! I think it's BEAUTIFUL!!!! Here, see it straight and curly!!!

My sister did a great job, she got the pictures of me except for the one in the bathroom. I did that one. Ha ha!!

Having some more fun.

I don't know if I put these up yet or not, but I had to because I love how they turned out!! :) I used Suzanne Wolcott, and Nene Thomas' wonderful artwork to create these masterpieces. The first two are ones I made a few months ago, and the others I made recently. I just love how whimsical they are. :DThis was one I made with my sisters help, one of the first. She had a tutorial she had written I used to make it. It was great to do it with her help.

Why Do I Even BOTHER!?!?!?

I am so done with Lane Bryant, I don't know why they don't fire me or why I don't just quit. I haven't worked there in over 2 months, really. I have been on call every week, and I am so over it. I don't want to work there any more. They don't even treat me nicely when I call, it's like the "Oh it's you again" attitude.

What is wrong with me? Why do I bother to call and get my schedule? Why do I bother to try to keep working there? They obviously don't want me. Why do I keep going back and hoping that they will have work for me when I don't even want to walk into the store to get a paycheck for 3 hours? This is ridiculous. Why do I even bother?

Chop Chop!!!

So... I did it! I totally chopped my hair off! I LOVE it! I think it's SO cute! It was to the middle of my back for a long time, and then I got tired of it and said I wanted a change so my hairdresser cut it to my shoulders. We also dyed it so the color is more of a honey blonde instead of the platinum streaks that were washing me out so badly. I LOVE my hair! it's so stinking cute straight, and curly is so fun! Here's some pictures so you can see what I mean:

Before:
This is me NOW!!
Much shorter, but I love it! I actually need to get a picture of it when it's straight, because it looks SO adorable! I know, it's lame but I got it taken in the mirror! Laughs.

I just want to know

Whatever happened to IMPARTIAL reporting? They only interview the people who HAVE said NO on 8, and never ask anyone about what it means to US whom voted YES on 8!! Everything that is being reported is false, or just stupid. They are attacking the Church, saying that until the election was passed the meetinghouses became headquarters for us to figure out how to support Prop 8 and to get people to vote. I am just outraged, to the point that I can't watch the news or read a paper because all you read is how "so and so is Mormon, and was forced to give money to prop 8" or "So and so is Mormon, and they know that we used our meetinghouses to strong arm people into helping with the campaign" which is BULL!!

If they TRULY want to know what we believe, they should stop attacking us and start asking us. They are continually lumping us with the FLDS church, and I had skimmed an article that said that the Raid in Texas was a Mormon compound. This world is so messed up, it's not right. I am so fed up with hearing this persons furious over prop 8, and this person is livid with the Mormons. I am so fed up with people being ignorant. We shouldn't have to pay for it. We shouldn't have to worry about if we can get into the temple, or if the protesters are going to stop us. We just need to keep being strong. This storm HAS to pass eventually, I just hope that the wake isn't so terrible when it's done.

It's been a while

I have been trying to process everything that has been happening to me lately, and all that has happened with the world. History is being made with Proposition 8, and that makes me sad. We have a black president of our country. We have a LOT of things that are going to shape our future, as well as the future of our economy.

I personally have decided for a change of my own. My hair was down to the middle of my back, and I just cut it to my shoulders. I also allowed my hairdresser free reign with the color of my hair, and walked away with a golden blond color. It's weird for me to have it so short, compared to how long it is but I love it!

I don't know what the future has in store for us. I know that I have had a wonderful experience where the Lord helped me to share my love of the Gospel with one of his children. That isn't something I expected, but I am incredibly grateful for the opportunity.

I don't really have much to report outside of that. I am just sitting here, watching history in the making and wondering how much more history is yet to be written. It's fascinating.

I know I haven't posted in a while. I have been busy trying to get better, and I have been trying to not go crazy. I have been thinking about my life, the last few days as I was sick. I was thinking about all the people that are in it, and all the people in my past. I am glad that the people in my life are in it now, because they are helping me to become whom I need to. I also realized that I am not as closed off as I thought I was, but I am also not as open as I should be. It's a work in progress, I realize that. I am working on it. I just hate how it feels like everyone expects me to be so open, and so willing for everything to work like it should in movies.

I know this sounds weird, but I want a man who is like my brother. He researched this girls favorite candy that he took out for lunch, and then he made sure he had a big box of it with her favorite drink for dessert. It's REAL cute! I also want someone whom is willing to open the door for me, and is willing to get music for me off the internet if I ask. I want someone who is willing to do what it takes to be with me, not make excuses.

I know that excuses are just a front, and that people make excuses because A) they aren't interested and they are trying to let you down easily or B) they are just really that tired, and don't want to go anywhere. I KNOW I have days like that. I get so tired, that I don't want to go out and do anything. SO I don't. And I am SO socially busy as a result.... :)

I am trying to enjoy my niece and nephews as they are little, because that is going to go too fast. In the blink of an eye, the childhood will be over and I SO don't want to think about that. I LOVE that Ari wants me to read to her when she goes to bed. I LOVE that Camden runs away when he sees me and he just expects me to chase him. I LOVE that Alex always is SO excited to see me when I get home from work, and he is so curious as to what I am doing and where I am going. These are things that can not be replaced and memories that I didn't have because I missed their fun baby years because I lived too far away. I am trying to make up for lost time, and enjoy them as much as possible.

I know that I have flaws. I know that I am still single because I push people away, and that I haven't met the right one. I HATE that I am single, and I like it at the same time. I do wish I had a family of my own, but I also appreciate the time I have to get to know me again. I just can't seem to make up my mind about what I want.

I admit, it's hard when all your friends are getting engaged and married, I have had 2 friends get married in the last 3 days, another is getting married on the 8th and one is newly engaged. I know of 1 other engaged woman and my BROTHER is probably going to be married before me at this rate.

I am happy for all the people that are engaged and married, I am. I know it's not a race, but we always joked that I would get married first. Not so much, which I am glad. I just really would LOVE to glimps what the Lord has in store for me. I want to know WHY I have had to wait so long for ANY Type of relationship. I just have to wait more, and I hate being patient sometimes. This is the sometime, in case you are wondering. It's late, and the longer I go the more I am going to not make sense, so I am going to let you go and I am going to bed. Thanks for reading this, I know you could have better things to do. :)

So I was bored...

I made some more tags. I have to show them off, I am very proud of them. I made them last night, and the last one I made this morning. This one is one of my favorites. I made it when I was thinking of my friend. :)Music is my life! I can't go anywhere without my iPod. It's really bad!
I was inspired by the memory of being a kid, and having fun at the playground, swinging as high as you can. It was just too fun, and I couldn't resist this one.

Sometimes I do wonder... Will my heart find a home to rest or will it stay on the wind?

I LOVE THIS ONE!! I made it with the Scrapbook Kit "Pieces Of Me" by wimpychompers. You can purchase the scrapkit here. This is like therapy for me, a creative outlet and I love it.

Cheering up a friend.

So I have a best friend who has been having a hard time, so I sat down and made some tags to help make her smile. I just had to put them up because I am pretty proud of them. Laughs. Bad, huh? I can't help it, I was just proud to be able to make something that would look nice. I didn't do the drawings myself, they are from a wonderful artist called Nene Thomas. The ones on the bottom are the same, I couldn't decide which background I liked better. The images are from Suzanne Wolcott, and can be purchased HERE .

Getting to KNOW YOU!!!

Here is the new 2008 edition of getting to know your family and friends.
Here is what you are supposed to do: Change all the answers so that they apply to you. Then put this on your blog. I got it from an e-mail. So... Tag! It's your turn now!!

1.What is your occupation right now? Massage Therapist.

2.What color are your socks right now? Not wearing any.

3.What are you listening to right now? CSI:Miami on the TV, a fan, and the kids sleeping.

4.What was the last thing that you ate? Some bread. YUM!!

5.Can you drive a stick shift? No...

6.Last person you spoke to on the phone? Kristi!!

7.Do you like the person who sent this to you? yes!

8.How old are you today? 26

9.What is your favorite sport to watch on TV? College Football! Go COUGARS!!

10.What is your favorite drink? Water. Sprite and Cherry Coke sometimes.

11.Have you ever dyed your hair? I've done a weave if that counts.

12. Favorite food? Homemade.

13.What is the last movie you watched? 27 Dresses... Or Mission Impossible 3.

14. Favorite day of the year? Christmas

15. How do you vent anger? Yell when it's really bad!

16. What was your favorite toy as a child? Barbies, I think

17. What is your favorite season? Summer, it's warm! I like them all really.

18. Cherries or Blueberries? Cherries

19. Do you want your friends to e-mail you back?YES

20. Who is the most likely to respond? I'll get back to you.

21. Who is least likely to respond? Probably Scott.

22. Living arrangements? Renting with my sister and her family.

23. When was the last time you cried? Tonight. Stupid Home Makeover Extreme show...

24. What is on the floor of your closet? Dirty clothes hamper, face rest covers, boxes and an extension cord. And some picture frames that need to be hung.

25. Who is the friend you have had the longest that you are sending to? Does my mother count?

26. What did you do last night? Played some solitaire, washed my face and went to bed.

27. What are you most afraid of? Falling from Heights. And people leaving me. They always seem to take a piece of me with them, and it hurts. I just don't like that feeling.

28. Plain, cheese, or spicy hamburgers? Cheese

29. Favorite dog breed? German Shepherds, and Huskies.

30. Favorite day of the week? Sunday

31. How many provinces have you lived in? Just USA!

32. Diamonds or pearls? Rubies, Diamonds. And emeralds. And pearls. Then Opals. :)

33. What is your favorite flower? Roses. And I love Lilies lately. Any flowers really. I love them all!!

Better

Hey all, I am doing better. I am actually working on something, and when I get it done I will type it up and get it on here. I just have been working a lot, and not at all, so it's kinda weird. I am happy to be able to have some time to myself, and I love that I am still close with some friends from Utah. One friend in particular isn't in Utah, she's in Florida. It's 3 hours time difference, but we still talk every day. She has been having a hard time, and I didn't realize exactly how much I meant to her until she admitted she called me before she called her mom when she had found out some terrible news about someone in Florida. So, that's something.

Anyways, I just wanted to take time and THANK everyone who is SO wonderful and is my friend. I know that I wouldn't be whom I am today if not for what I have been through, and WHOM was there to help me along the way. You are all amazing people. Thank you for your love, constant support and prayers. LOVE YOU!!!!

Funny stuff!!

So I took the Twilight Charachter quiz, and got 2 results. I got the following:


Take the Quiz and Share Your Results!


Take the Quiz and Share Your Results!

This is really funny, considering I took it on Facebook and I was Bella. But look at what it says about me:

Alice:

You are intelligent, outgoing & stylish. A true girly girl, you love shopping & makeovers.

Although you are a generous friend, you can be coy, tricky & very persuasive in order to

get your way. You are known to zone out occasionally during conversations, but your

friends forgive you because you are understanding, supportive & know how to throw one

heck of a party! (per the twilighters anonymous site)

Esme:

You are thoughtful and care very deeply for your family. A loving home is of great

importance to you and you always try to make people feel welcome. Although you have a great capacity to love, you also have a great capacity to hurt, so at times you can be

sensitive. You're firm when you need to be, but people trust your judgment and

appreciate the kind way you always handle things.(per the twilighters anonymous site)

Another Headache... No litterally!!

So I don't understand like normal. I have another headache. I had this happen to me about 2 years ago where for a month straight I get a headache every single day. I got fed up and went to the doctors where they did blood pressure tests and so forth, and they found nothing. They even went so far as to check my flexibility. Hmm... That was interesting. Turns out I am pretty dang flexible. But I figured that out a while ago. When you can touch your head with your foot... Self explanatory.
So, today's headache I don't understand. I am trying to drink more water, get more sleep, not stay on the computer all the time, working hard, and still. Headaches. I try to NOT take medicine for it, because I don't like being dependent on stuff like that. I want to get rid of it naturally if possible. But with how often these are happening, it may be a medication kind of thing.
Work is good, kind of off and on but that's the thing with Massage, and that's why I am FINALLY starting at the school district. It only took 3 weeks to get the phone call after the fingerprints, but whose counting? Um... ME!!

So NOW I can FINALLY quit Lane Bryant and be busy at 2 jobs. Oh, and the update with them... I worked 3 hours in the past 3 1/2 weeks for them. It was a LOVELY meeting at 7 in the morning. I wanted to cry. It's SO not going to be worth the 24 dollars I earned. But I got my raise, and my back pay that I fought so hard for. And trust me, it was worth it! Just in time to leave, how lovely!!

That's about all that is going on with my life, nothing really improved or falling apart more than normal. I have moments of frustration where I feel like people push me and I fight back. I have moments of Joy when I get to talk to some people, or see someone. I have frustration with the ADORABLE kids that are my niece and nephews... but they're kids. Alex is in his destructive phase it seems. It's SO much fun! And Ari... She's 3 years old! :)

Going to put my head on my pillow, and hope it doesn't split open. That wouldn't be the best thing in the world for it. If it doesn't get better, I will have to ask my daddy to help me out with a Blessing. Thank GOODNESS for the priesthood. Here's to the close of another day, and a week where I didn't HAVE to work SUNDAY!! I got to go to Church! SO Incredibly happy about that!!

Having a hard time.

I am having a hard time right now. I don't know what to say, and I don't know what to do, because I am trying SO hard, and it doesn't seem like it's enough. Will someone please explain to me what they expect of me so that I can finally live up to what they are expecting? I can't keep doing this. I need someone to talk to me. I can't keep walking in the dark.

Horray for Sundays.

Today has caused me to think about a lot of things. My parents went out of town, and I was feeling like I was loosing my mind so I ducked out of my sisters house and went to my parents house to gather my wits, and control.

I had spent about 2 minutes there when I realized that I HATED living alone. I ABSOLUTELY hated it! I talked a good game about how nice it was, and how I enjoyed my company, how I would really know whom I was and that I would be able to do things that most people are too afraid to do. But I don't think I really realized how much I would worry and stress about someone breaking in and hurting me and no one would be able to do a thing! I would sleep with my cell next to me, plugged in so if anything happened I had it. I would sleep with the door closed, windows closed and locked and blinds closed.
I never opened a window, unless it was sunny and I was home. I always kept my doors locked, and I would never answer the door. I was terrified to have friends come over unexpected, because I have lived in some REALLY scary neighborhoods that you just don't answer the door.

I am not sad that I had these experiences, I was just sad that in the safety of my parents home I still had those fears. I know that no one would bother me, but I still let the dogs bark all night, locked my bedroom door, and slept with my cell phone next to me.

I have the same problem with people I realized. I have all my protection up, all my barriers. I show people the weird part of me, trying to see if they are going to see me as some strange person and just leave me alone or if they are going to see that I am fronting and hold on. Those that hold on, I let them in closer and closer, opening this door and that window until they can see whom I am. I am vulnerable, and VERY scared to let too many people in because I hate it when they leave. Every single person whom has left has taken a piece of me with them, if they know it or not.

They have made me a better person for knowing them, so I don't regret the decisions that I have made to let them into my life. But at the same time, there are people that have caused damage, and it makes me scared to allow someone else to come into that part that has been hurt and try to help it because I am afraid they will leave it more messy than they found it.

I also realized that I STILL sabotage myself. I know that I do it, and I try to stop it and it's SO hard! I was driving to my parents, thinking about the men that are in my life right now (which by the way are not that many) and I realized that I do try so hard to keep them away that when they leave I am upset but it's my own fault. I am cute and flirty on messages, but get me on the phone and I freeze up! Or in person, it's really bad! I don't know what to say so I just end up staring and feeling like a fool as I ask a million and one questions and don't get asked anything in return. Which by the way, is SO annoying! Boys are SUPPOSED to be JUST as interested in you as you are in them.

But anyways, back to the Sabotage thing. I talk myself out of liking them if they don't respond in the way that I think they should (which by the way is PERFECTLY reasonable I THINK, but I am the one sabotaging myself, so what do I know?). I think they should call, they should be interested in asking you questions. They should return a call if you call them. They should remember things from your conversations, or little things like you had a bad day and they wanted to find out if your week is better or how work is going.

But then again, I am an old romantic. I don't see my life being like a movie where they meet, he sends her flowers requesting a date, brings her chocolates and love letters, and they share a first kiss and they live happily ever after.

I see my life as being in the little things. Like he sends me a card with flowers on it so I can keep them forever. Or he sends me a box of brownie mix so we can bake it together, and share stories about whatever. He takes me out to watch the stars because I love them so much. He holds my hand at Sunset so I know that while the sun may have gone down, he is there to keep me warm.

So I am incredibly romantic, I know that. But it's not unrealistic, is it? I just want someone to want me, because trust me he will be as pampered as much as he pampers me. I want to be able to rub his feet at night, help him with any headaches. I want to listen as he complains about a terrible day at work, or how his boss is such a horses hiney... I want to be able to be with my best friend for the rest of time, and know that he loves me as much as I love him.

Dreams are a hard thing to push aside when you are single. You see all these people and you wonder when it is going to be your turn to have your happily ever after. You wonder if the person who looks at you in passing at Church is going to be the one to change your life forever. Or you worry that the guy that you fight with like a brother is the one that is going to sweep you off your feet (cringing at the thought now.) and carry you off to your dream come true.

But you have to be sensible. You have to keep both feet on the ground, your heart on a leash so as to not scare off anyone who comes too close, and you have to stop looking. You have to go on with your life, and get those things done you always wanted to do. You have to make something of yourself, so that if it never happens for you (heaven forbid!!!!) you will be able to take care of yourself until the Lord sees fit to bless you in the here-after.

I am not so worried about it happening now, I am actually terrified of the right one being Right Now. I know that I would be stubborn, and I would try to scare him off because I feel like I have no control of my life. I feel like I am starting all over. But isn't that the best time to start? When you have no control?

I try not to freak out when I loose control, because ultimately the Lord is the ONLY one in control. We just have to put it on cruise and make the decisions about where to turn, what path to follow, and if we are going to listen to the voice that tells us we need to slow down or go down a scary path.

So while I am working on not being controlling, allowing myself to feel stable, stop self-sabotaging, and stop ignoring the men that are around me, I wonder why I am so tired. Hmm.. Can't really figure that one out.

My mom cracks me up.

My mother is trying SO hard to get me to call someone... that she is trying everything to get me to do it. And my brother is just as funny. He thinks anything that my family needs to call him for I will do. Not so much...

I actually want to see him again, so I am thinking about being at the house and surprising him but I am afraid if my car is there that he won't come in and try to feed the animals but he will just leave. I am still trying to figure that one out...

Nothing new really going on here, except that Lane Bryant is SO screwing me on hours. I was supposed to have 19 this week, but I am only like at 10 hours. And next week I am on call, that's all. I guess I will have to leave soon... DARN!!! I guess the school will be good for me. But I can ask them to put me on call only on Mondays, and that's all.... And then I still keep the discount, and I don't have to work for them any more... Unless the On Call is activated... But still one night a week I won't kill anyone. That's something else to work on...

Christina is amazing, in case you are all wondering. She has some fabulous kits coming out soon, so check out her store at http://designsindigital.com/ and http://www.digiscrapboutique.com/boutique So please check them out. Or look at WimpyChompers creations... She is worth your time I promise. She makes me want to do digital scrapbooking instead of on paper because of her cute kits!!!

Well, should let her have her computer. Will keep you updated on my lameness considering the boys, and the quest to loose some weight. I want to slim down my hips and thighs SO BAD!!! I am fed up with feeling huge because of some genetics... So I am going to work on that.... Laughs. That's what we all say, right? I know that I am beautiful, but I want to feel that way when I look in a mirror, and not just hate my lower body and love the upper. I want to love all of it!!!

I did try.

In case ANYONE was wondering, I did try to contact the guy that I have a crush on. But I was such a chicken, I waited until I knew he would be working and tried to call him then, knowing that he would not be able to answer the phone and I could leave a message being breezy and light, making him think I am adorable and not a huge dork as I stumble over my words trying to talk to him.

I don't understand why I am this way. I can talk to ALL of the guys that are my friends, no matter how long it has been. So why does this ONE man have me tripping over my words, blushing, and stuttering like a twittered school girl? Maybe because I am acting like one...

He has me completely... I don't know how to describe it. It's like I want to get to know him, but I don't know how and can't open my mouth with him. I want to see him, but I am terrified that he will think I am too forward. I am not waiting around for him to be available to see me, but I also am not trying to go out of my way to meet other people. I see guys that are cute at church, but I won't go up and talk to them because I get too shy.

Sometimes I think it would be better if I was able to just go up to him, grab him and just kiss him. That way I can say "Now that we have gotten that over with, let's talk" and have nothing really awkward between us. But that may be an awkward thing to do in the first place, since I don't know if that would be a good or bad thing..... Oh gosh I am just going nuts. I don't know what is wrong with me.

TIred, so tired.

This week is going to be crazy, so I can only post something short. I am working ALL week, which I know shouldn't be a bad thing. I am working almost every single day. I am crossing my fingers that on Thursday I may have it off so I can actually rest!

So, here's my schedule:

Sunday, Lane Bryant
Monday, ON CALL at Lane Bryant
Tuesday, Day Spa Jolie all day
Tuesday Night, private party massage
Wednesday, Lane Bryant
Thursday, Nothing so far.
Friday, Lane Bryant
Saturday, Day Spa Jolie ALL DAY!
Saturday, ON CALL at Lane Bryant

So, you see that today is going to be busy. BLAH!! Oh, and on top of all this I need to schedule to get my fingerprints done so I can start at the School District doing Sub work for Proctor, Food Services, Teachers Aid, and Clerical. I like to be busy, but not THIS busy.

Hopefully SOON I can quit Lane, I want to leave before Halloween, so in the next 2 weeks I hope to quit! Oh wouldn't it be LOVER-LY!!!!

What have I gotten myself into?!?!?!?

Oh my goodness, I am starting to wonder at my sanity and that's the truth. I have been working on getting a 3rd job started, because I wasn't getting enough money from the 2 I had. Ha! I should have known it was only TEMPORARY!!

I have a FULL day on Saturday, which is WONDERFUL!!! But... I have a physical tomorrow for the school district, and the last physical I had was when I was working on my mission papers. Like 4 years ago, maybe 5 now. I just got a TB test done, horray. And it was negative, though it bled quite a bit.

On top of the physical tomorrow, I have 2 massages on the books, and they are asking me to contact them when the physical is over so I can get more. Yay....

Saturday I have 3 slots open for massage last time I checked, and that means I am starting at 9 in the morning, going until 6 at night, with possibly 3 hours that aren't filled, and an hour lunch... so like... I am going to pour myself into the car after that.

On top of all this, I am probably working at Lane Bryant on Sunday from 1-6pm, and I am not sure of the rest of my work schedule for next week.

I have been promised that I will be busy when they are able to get all my stuff done for the school district, meaning Monday through Friday, and than the Spa Tuesday through Saturday, and Lane whenever they feel like giving me hours (and you DON'T want to get me started on that!!!)

Oh, and I almost forgot that if my schedule stays the way it is written for next week, I have 19 hours I will spend at Lane Bryant with 2 on calls scheduled, so that is a possibility for like 25 plus hours at ONE job.

I can just hear my body shrieking now in protest....

And my bank account swelling with each and every massage that I give.. So if I seem really out of it, or I just don't post for a while, it's probably because I have lost all feeling in my arms and I had to pour myself into bed when I got home due to the overworked state.

And I used to complain that I had nothing to do.....

I am basically A geek!!!

All day I have been worrying about how I like this man, and how I try to give him space so I don't seem too anxious to talk to him or worry him about how "Strong" I come on and don't call him because I know he is busy and don't e-mail that often because don't know if he is getting the messages or not and I don't want to be a nuisance.

And then I realized that I am worrying for all the wrong reasons. I am worried that he is going to think that I am weird, and that he is not going to want to get to know the wonderful person that I am, so I am holding MYSELF back. I am not LETTING him get to know me and all that I am capable of. I am putting up walls, protecting myself, and that is something I have been trained to do.

I trained myself to be careful with people because I have had people use me in the past. I have had people who pretended to be my friends use me, and I had absolutely no clue it was going on. I was so trusting and open with these people, that I let them use everything I owned without thinking about it. The exception was my car and my apartment, but I didn't think about it. I thought that this is what the Lord wanted us to do for our fellow men, to trust and love them as He would.

I trusted them so much, that I ignored warning signs of dishonesty such as lying about returning money to me. Thankfully I didn't take a friend shopping and let her use my credit card, she never would have paid me back.

I have been so trusting that I received a blessing that warned me to watch out for people who would use me, and be sure that those I trust deserved that trust. I am afraid that I took that too much to heart, because I have been cautious ever since. I have been afraid to trust the wrong people, so I take my time getting to know them until I feel that I can trust them with myself.

I don't want to do this anymore, and I have been working on it. I have been more stand-offish than I normally am, and I hope this explains why I may seem like (as my sister so lovingly put it) if you come near me I will break off your arm and beat you with it.

My brothers are a hoot, though. They said that they always imagined me going up to a man, saying "You, mine!" bopping them on the head and dragging them back to my cave (or they tease the temple) by the hair as a cave woman might. While there may be someone I am INCREDIBLY tempted to do that to, but I won't! I want him to be just as willing to bop me on the head and drag me to the temple as well. :)

So while this post started saying that I understand what my shortcomings are, and I do... It is really to say that I am going to stop. I am going to stop doing what is hurting me, which is not trying. I am so afraid of being rejected that I wouldn't TRY to contact him and invite him to things. I wouldn't TRY to tell him that I want him to ask ME on a date, because boys are dumb and sometimes you have to tell them that you want them to ask you out.

I have discovered that dropping hints just doesn't work AT ALL!!! You can be flashing big fans at him saying "ASK ME OUT!!!!" and he would just say "Nice fans!" Sometimes, that's endearing. But right now, it's more annoying.

So, I am going to stop stopping myself and just start trying again. I can't give up, because "I ain't no quitter!!!

So I have decided.

I did make a blog for my poems, so that I can keep this one with all the rambling which is the most fun... Please feel free to check it out:

Click Here

I hope that it is able to touch the lives I wanted it to.

So I was thinking... Just now....

I have a TON of poetry that I wrote, and it just sits in a folder. It doesn't do anything for anyone, and that is not what I want. I want to share it, but I am scared because I need to copyright the stuff before I share it. So I was wondering... Do I put it on here, or put it on another blog all together? One dedicated solely to poetry that I have written, so that I can stop holding onto them if someone else can enjoy them?

I know I probably shouldn't worry about it, but I can't help it. I just get on an idea, and can't let go. So I am asking what I should do. I don't know. Please let me know what YOU think of this idea. I have a name for it, and all that stuff. It's kind of something I was playing with when I thought I was going to publish it in a book, but books are hard to publish.

Here is an example of what I want to put up, in case you are wondering.

My Sister

There are many people in my life who have been there for me.
No matter what the pain and strife, beside me is where they will be.
But there is one person I know and love
That must have been sent from up above.
She is strong, beautiful and wise.
She is everything I wish I could be in my eyes.
She is strong and beautiful enough to endure her pains and ills.
She amazes me with her courage and will.
A sister's love you can't deny.
It's in every look, every giggle and sigh.
They silently suffer and hold in the pain.
When my sister cries it is silent like the rain.
She is everything I want to be.
She is such a wonderful example for me.
I am grateful for my sister,
I will tell her no lies.
And no matter what happens,
She is a hero in my eyes.

Copyright ©2008

Wow... What a day!

The kids, bless them, were not bad. They just have a ton of energy. I can't keep up with them! And they started to play together which was cute, but then they get too much energy and then they get fighting... Oh boy!

I know that they aren't always this way, and the crazy thing is that even with the anger, the fighting, and the temper tantrums, I can't WAIT to have kids! Because as weird as it is... This makes it all the more sweet. I am excited. I know, I know... I'm psychotic. But I can't wait to be so worn out from all the stuff my kids put me through, and ready to pass them off to my mom for some peace and quiet. I can't wait to have them period.

Good or bad, happy or sad. They will be mine. And I can't wait for the time that happens. So while the kids are not happy, fighting, and splashing each other in the bathtub, I will love every single moment of it. Because it is making me a stronger person, better aunt and will someday make me a better mother.

Another week... Here we go.

Another week has started, and I don't know how much work I am going to have. Again. I get really tired of not knowing how much I will be working or if I will be working at all. I WOULD LOVE to have a set schedule. I would love to be able to say "Yes, I am working these days and these times." But right now that is not my life. My life is an On Call life. They call me when they need me to work. I go in when they ask. I get tired of it.

I have 3 jobs, all which have me on call. The Day Spa has been wonderful. They have been getting me in and getting me working. Lane Bryant, not so wonderful. I am working ON CALL this week, meaning that I may be working 2 days, but I may not. I am starting at the School district soon, which is the 3rd job. Not the easiest thing in the world, but it's money and that's something I need. I need to be able to make bills and not feel so worried about if there is enough to pay the bill, gas, and tithing. Tithing comes out first, and it worries me that I will have enough for the rest of the stuff that I have to pay.

The solution to that? Pay off what bills I can, get in school so the student loans are on hold again, and as soon as I can, get the cards paid off and CLOSED!! I only have 1 card I am paying on, so that's not so bad. This is why I don't own a credit card! I only want to have bills that are ESSENTIAL to living, like a car, insurance, and school. And a cell phone. VERY essential!!

My life won't always be so up in the air, and I am looking forward to the time when I can hold my head up, being debt free, and stable. I will get there, it is just going to take a bit.

Tonight and TIRED

Funny things come out when you are tired. Like the following:

1) I am really tired of working, and want to just do nothing.
2) I really like working, but I hate the money that is needed.
3) I like money, I hate that we need it to survive! That's what I hate!!
4) I get really funny when I am tired, and nothing makes sense.
5) I don't like not getting what I want. It makes me annoyed.
6) I am not such a pleasant person to be around when I am annoyed.
7) I have to be patient, maybe that's why I am not getting what I want.
8) I like the color blue.
9) Wow, that was random.
10) My feet are big, maybe that helps me to not fall over.
11) I don't breathe very loudly at all!!
12) Why am I thinking about my breathing?
13) The dogs are loud. Why isn't there a mute button for animals at night?
14) They should make a mute button, or better.. A universal remote. Like in Click.
15) No wait, that's not such a good idea...
16) I don't like to watch the news, it's depressing.
17) I should PROBABLY stop fighting my eyes from closing.
18) If I'm sleeping, I can't type. That may be good.
19) I LOVE MY FAMILY!!!
20) Clothes are weird, who came up with them? Oh ya! God in the garden of Eden.
21) Boys are really cute, but MEN are hot!!
22) I am going to stop while I am behind.
23) Last, looking for the sign up for the single return missionaries who are not afraid of commitment, a strong willed woman with a mind of her own, a heart of gold, cuddly, and a push over until you push the wrong button. Than watch out. Hey, I did say I was a woman right?

I really am going to go to bed, but I will say this.

I am glad I am me. No matter what I have to go through, no matter how much I hate that I don't have a family of my own and that I am excited to further my career.... I am happy that I am who I am. I am a powerful, strong, and independent woman. I have a mind of my own, and I am not afraid to stand up for what I see is right. I am grateful for the family that I have, as they are my rock and anchor. I am grateful for the Church Of Jesus Christ Of Latter Day Saints, it really has molded me into whom I am. I am also grateful to not be shiftless in this life, looking for my purpose.

I am grateful that I am fluffy. Full Figured. Extra squishy. Whatever you want to call it. It made me realize that while I may not look like a skinny super model, and there are things I don't like about myself (trust me, I can list off a WHOLE bunch of things) this life is much too short to agonize over if I am a size 2 or a 20. I would rather live my life with no regrets and be whom I am than worry about what some Joe down the street thinks about me. The Lord is the only one that matters. Someday someone else will see that too, and we will be best friends for that reason. And someday we will be more than best friends.

But for now... I am happy and not waiting. I am working and working on furthering my career. I am going to go into a field that fascinates me and see if I can do that with a family. Everything I do is centered on having a family someday, and that makes me happy. I want to be able to hold my head up high and be proud of who I am and what I have done with my life.

And so far.... I can do that.

Money is such a pain.

I know that I am not doing as well as I would LIKE to be doing, but when something comes up out of the blue it really puts more stress on you. Like your car payment being in the MIDDLE of the month instead of the end of the month. As well as your insurance. And just worrying sucks.

I had to vent a little bit. I know I have money coming in, it's just not fast enough it feels like, and I REALLY don't need to have anything else happen more than it already is. Hmm... reason enough to go back to school. To get my student loans on hold, and hopefully get some grants.

My BABY!!!

MY NEW CAR!!!!

I just wanted to show off my baby, since no one can really see her in UTAH....

I got it....

I guess it's really not a surprise to some people, but I got the job I interviewed for. I had to be up at 6:30 this morning to get ready for the appointment at 8, but I performed beautifully so they offered me the job, and would like me to continue with more training in HOT STONE and Aromatherapy, both which interest me incredibly! I really want to get into wraps more, and learn more techniques.

I am very excited to start, because I do need the money now. It's kinda bad. Oh well, such is life. And moving.

In case anyone is wondering, I DO NOT regret the decision to come here. I am enjoying it, it is a challenge as I knew it would be. But I don't regret one minute of it. It's what was right for me to do. It's what I need to do. It's what is making me a better person. And I am glad for that.

I miss my friends in Utah, kind of feeling out of place out here with all these young kids. Not a lot of dating opportunities, but I am not really putting myself out there like I should because I don't have the gas money to do it. It's work, and home until things start to become more stable. And church. Can't forget that. That's one of the most important places I go during the week. Assuming that I am not needed at work... blah!! But it's money....

As things start to even out, they will get better for everyone, and I will feel less... stagnant. I will be happy to make more money, and I will be more than happy to make more friends. I don't like being a hermit, so I am trying to stop that right now. Don't know how long this will last, but I think it's a step in the right direction.

Job Interview

So I am finally going in for a massage interview today. I don't know WHY I waited so long, but I am going to do it. It was mostly waiting for them to contact me back about when works for them, and having my schedule free to do it.

The depressing thing is that I have to give a massage for the practical part of the interview. That's common, but it's not one I get paid for. So I get to spend an hour, performing the magic that my hands do with the muscles, and PRAY that I get the job.

I do hope to get it. I just am worried about the fact they serve wine there, since you can't massage anyone whom is drunk, or had a drink. It speeds up the blood and makes them twice as drunk. Same reason you stay away from a hot tub when you drink, the blood speeds up and you are 2x as drunk as when you got in. (Thank goodness for school telling me this, because I wouldn't know otherwise!!!)

Oh well, not my body. I would just be working on the clients. :) That's not a bad prospect......

A whole new look

I got tired of how the colors looked, so why not change it up? I thought it would be great to make something feminine and cute, and me. YAY!!

Why do I do this?

I complain that things are so hard. I can't see how anything is going to work out. But I know it will. One way or another, it has to. Things can't always get so bad that you can't see the good.

I am able to spend time with my wonderful family. I HAVE a job, FINALLY!!! Yes, bills are due and I am working on getting them paid. But I am not homeless. I have money coming in. Things will be tight. But things will be all right. I just have to keep going, and realize that.

I am going to be going back to school for nursing, I think. That should help out a lot. It's just a waiting game, and lots of hard work coming up.

Can't I just quit?

Everything should be easier when you are an adult. You have a job, you have a family that you are close to, you don't have prince charming but that's okay. You have a car that you love. No one said anything about the money aspect.

Massage is the way I know I can make my talents pay off, but the market isn't exactly the best right now for that. So, how do you keep going? Trials are just piled up, and I can't seem to see through them. I can't seem to keep my head on straight right now, let alone look in the right direction.

I don't know where to start. I don't know where I should go. I just know that I am spinning my wheels, and I don't even know how to stop. I hate feeling so drifty, and undirectional. I went from working 2 jobs to working 1, looking for a second, knowing that everything will work out but I have to work to make it happen.

SO where do you start when you don't even know where you're going? Can't I just quit?

Tag, You're it now!!

Since I got tagged by my sister it is only fair that I do what she did and fill this out. Now that you have read mine, you have to do the same. it's a rule! HAHAHA!! I am evil, but please. It would be great to see what you put.

8 things I'm passionate about:
1. My family fulfilling their dreams.
2. My niece and nephews.
3. Nature
4. Photography
5. My beliefs/religion
6. Movies
7. Music
8. Reading

8 books I've read and enjoyed:
1. Book of Mormon/Bible
2. Lynn Gardner's books period!!
3. Harry Potters
4. The Twilight series. Yes, all of them. Including the NEW one.....
5. The Host. AMAZING!!!
6. The Lord of The Rings, and the Hobbit.
7. Conflict Of Interest
8. Pretty much all the books on my bookshelf... Or in boxes at this moment.

8 Words/Phrases I say often:
1. Laughs.
2. Ah-may-za-za-zhing.
3. I love you!!
4. Hey Gorgeous!
5. Ask your Mommy and Daddy.
6. Mommy said No, Aunt Catherine can't say Yes.
7. Holy Hannah!!
8. Thank You.

8 things I want to do before I die:
1. Get my first kiss.
2. Get Married... Laughs.
3. Raise my kids in the gospel and see them married in the Temple.
4. Make the world a better place for my children by example.
5. Travel the world
6. Serve a couples Mission
7. Celebrate 50 years of happy marriage
8. Never regret a moment of my life.

8 things I've learned this past year
1. Family is always there for you, no matter what!!
2. People can surprise you after all.
3. Your heart isn't as locked up as you think it is.
4. Kids have a way of reaching into your chest, taking your heart, and not giving it back.
5. I can go swimming without burning! REALLY?!?!?
6. It's amazing how much fun it is to live with little kids!
7. Car shopping does suck, but the end results are great!
8. Dating doesn't suck as much as I thought it did.

8 places I want to see:
1. New Zeland
2. Germany
3. England
4. Scotland
5. Sweden
6. Africa
7. Hawaii
8. Italy

8 Things I currently want
1. A Date. Laughs
2. My career to take off in California.
3. To not worry about money any more.
4. NO more debt
5. Clear skin.
6. A pool
7. Time and money to scrapbook
8. Anne Of Green Gables on DVD

Amazing how many people care.

Moving has been an adjustment. An adjustment for my sister, mother, brothers, father, niece, nephews, everyone. (Yes, my brother-in-law is also included in here, he is considered one of my brothers to me.) Things are finally starting to sink in that I have moved. It's not so much a "This is a vacation" it is feeling much more real, and everything is starting to sink in.
I know that once I am working it will feel much more like I am actually living here, instead of just visiting. It is also funny that how antsy I am getting is transmitting to my family members. My sister is feeling it, the kids are feeling it, and I think it's my fault that the kids are so rambunctious.
It's hard to get used to being around a family all the time. I am used to being in my room, by myself watching movies because it's where my bed is and I love to lay on my bed. I am used to not coming out and just watching a TV series because I have nothing else to do. I am not used to having the kids worry about me and check on me, tell me that "I am hungry" and that I need to come eat with them. I am used to skipping lunch or breakfast. I am not used to having 3 meals a day, sitting down with a family.
But I am loving it. I love that the kids are so concerned, and by kids I mean Alexander. He makes sure his mommy and I both eat, he makes sure that Baby Camden eats, and that Ariana sits and eats. It's actually really adorable because he is ONLY 4 YEARS OLD!!!
I love that my sister is concerned about me. I am more solitary because that is what I have done for the past 7 years. I was by myself, even when I was surrounded by friends. They would leave, and I would be all alone again. I would have parties, but when I wasn't working what did I do? I would call my family, do laundry, and watch a movie or a series of movies all day.
Which is why I enjoy so many shows. My family so lovingly calls me "Blockbuster." I am not upset by the nickname, it's actually really fitting.
I love that I have movies for the kids to watch. And I am crazy, because I don't care how messy my room is, how disorganized my closet is, or how much laundry I have to do. If my movies are out of order at all, like not alphabatized, I freak out!! They HAVE to be in Alphabetical order. So if they aren't, I am the first one to notice and the fastest one to make that corrected. It really drives me crazy.
So, to close this I would like to say it's amazing how many people care about you. When you live alone and you come home to visit, it's trying to cram in as much as you can in the amount of time you have. When you move home, it's an adjustment, but the harder it is to adjust, the more you know that your family cares.

Swimming at Aunt Judy's

It was SO much fun! On Saturday the family went down to Aunt Judy's pool and we were able to go swimming. YAY!! Look at these cutie pies:


Alex kept getting cold, so he sat out and tried to get warm in the sun. The poor guy was shivering!! But what a little daredevil! He went to the diving board, and would jump off, legs kicking, into the pool! I almost had a heart attack the first time he did it. But his floaters were on, and he came up smiling and laughing. Thank goodness for floaties!!


Ariana was proving that she was swimming. She kept going around in circles and telling her mommy "I'm swimming!"


Something was getting to Camden, his allergies are pretty bad and we can't figure out what it is. He didn't like the pool either. Poor kid!!


We had our cousins come and we were able to get them in the pool as well. It was nice to see her. I haven't seen her since her second youngest was in diapers! Now she has 8 kids, and that blows me away! 6 years since I've seen them I think it was. Blah!!!
This beach ball was the hit of the pool! Everyone loved to play with it, but Ariana was the biggest fan. She wanted it to be near her at all times!

Obviously, there are no pictures of me! I did that for a reason!! It was a blast to see everyone, and be there with the kids, my sister, brother-in-law and mother. I got to see my Great Grandma Vera, Aunt Judy and Uncle John. I loved every minute!!