Almost another year older.

My Birthday is coming up faster and faster, and it is hard to wrap my brain around this fact.  It seems like just YESTERDAY that Christmas was here, and it just seems to be speeding up more and more.  It was just yesterday that I felt like New Years Eve would be the gateway to my life changing again.  I felt certain that this year would be full of promise.  That this year would have something that would change it for the better.  This year has been full of ups and downs, but there has been nothing in it that has changed my life for the better.  I am still in debt, worried about my life, and what there will be in it.  I am also not any further than I was this time last year.  The only difference is that I am closer to getting into the Nursing Program.  I feel just as stuck now as I did than.  I have been working on loosing weight, and I have lost 61 pounds.  I have been feeling better about my physical appearance, but I also worry about this being permanent.  The issue I am having is feeling like I am enough.  I know everyone likes to tell me how sweet I am, how wonderful and kind I am, and how beautiful I am.  The problem is, I have a hard enough time believing it.  I know myself and I know my flaws.  I know all the worst things about myself, and I have a difficult time seeing past them.  I also have a difficult time understanding that if I am all these things, why am I still on the market?  I have done the online dating stuff, and I don't get anywhere.  I have done the church scene, and again I have nothing.
I meet one young man who seemed interested, all to find out that he was just being nice.  And I have to wonder, am I one of those people that is considered dull when you first meet them?
I have tried to take time to figure out what I am doing wrong, and really focus on me.  I know all the platitudes...  "God is saving you for the right guy....", "Too good to be single for the rest of your life..."... blah blah balh.  I have seen all the quotes, read all the stories, and prayed as hard as I could.
Tonight was just a night that I am frustrated.  I don't understand why the Lord is making me wait as long as I have been, and go through as much as I have had to go through.  I don't understand why I am the person who needs to have the strength to keep going, and not to give up.  I don't understand it at all.  I would love to stop being strong for a minute and feel what I am feeling.  I would love to wallow in the frustration and the despair that I am feeling.  I am almost 31 and would LOVE to be married.  I want to have my children.  I want to move on.  And as much as I like to say that I am "Fine" with being single, I'm a heartbeat away from breaking apart inside with how much I would love to be more than just the "single, wonderful girl."
Ironically, there is nothing that I can do to change it.  I can't go anywhere to meet anyone because where do I go?  I can't seem to meet anyone online... and I am not meeting anyone at school who doesn't look at me as just an easy mark.
So, this is what I have been thinking about tonight, and I just needed to put it all down before I burst and go to my room, raid my mini fridge, and pull out all the chocolate and either eat it or throw it all away and regret both decisions.  So the smarter decision?  Rant.  And blow up on my blog.  That's what it's there for right?
So I am going to say I BETTER have gone down in my weight or SO HELP ME... Walking every morning for at least 2 miles...  It better be doing something other than making me tired and cranky.

Oh boy...People need to calm down

Lately, things have seemed to implode.  I don't exactly know what happened, or why it happened, but a friend of mine who I think of almost like an uncle got upset with me.  I made a small comment about something we do on the weekend, and he just exploded.  I am honestly very hurt, and I don't know what I did to set him off.  He is suddenly not talking to us, and he is suddenly being very upset with me.
I will admit, that I am done.  I am done with divas, done with egos, and done with puffed up peacocks.  When someone gets their panties in a wad, they don't see how much they hurt others.  They don't see that I am the one who is sitting here, wondering how I could have made this person I care about turn on me.  They don't see how I am sitting here, happy for my friends that are moving on with their lives and still feeling as stuck as ever.  They don't see how I am trying desperately to not cry, and to not take my frustration out on others as I sit and wonder why I am the one that has to be attacked. 
I am tired of feeling like I have to be the strong one.  I have to be the bigger person. I have to be the one to let go of everything and I have to be the one to turn the other cheek.  Well, right now I want to scream, stamp my foot, and demand that everyone stop being children and start acting their age.  I am at that point that I want to act like the toddler, I want to throw a temper tantrum, and I want to scream how life isn't fair.  Than I want to sit down with 2 pounds of See's Candy and just drown my sorrows.
But I won't.  I won't drown my sorrows in chocolate.  I won't throw a fit, and I won't be a toddler.  I will be the adult that I was raised to be, and I will ignore everyone who isn't being kind to me.  My heart may be hurting inside, but I am not going to hold my breath that anyone is going to apologize or see just how much they hurt me. 
Why am I the designated whipping girl?  Why am I the door mat, the punching bag, or the scape goat?  I am SO Over it.  So anyone wants to come and try to attack me again, watch out.  I will be holding a bazooka because I am over this crap, and I will unload a holy heck of a lot of pent up rage if someone comes after me in the next few days....
So this is what has been going on with me over the last 24 hours...  I hope the rest of you are doing better.

Just keep swimming

I find it interesting, my body can't handle a lot of sugar anymore.  It's crazy how I was changing my mindset, and really listening to my body. It tells me when I have had too much, and I feel it.  I am actually feeling it now.  I had a Pink Lemonade cupcake tonight and the amount of frosting on it was too much (My fault, I punched too big a hole in the middle and filled it with frosting and than TOPPED it with frosting) so now my body needs water and wants to go to bed. 

On the plus side, I have just gotten a job!  I am now an OFFICIAL instructional associate for the local school district, and I am beyond thrilled.  The student I work with is very nice, and we get along great!  I also get a pay raise of $3.77 an hour, and I get sick days and vacation time.  I can't believe how blessed I am.

I also am happy to say that I have lost 5 pounds since my last weigh in, and I weigh myself tomorrow (shudder from tonight) and have lost a total of 55 pounds.  I am starting to see it in myself, but it is hard for me to really see it because I see myself every single day.  I am seeing how some clothes are fitting more loosely, and how my pants are smaller.  But it's hard to change how you think about yourself, and that is what I am working on now.

I have to be up early tomorrow, however so I have to sign off.  But I am just happy to share some good news! 

Night all, I will let you know tomorrow if I have lost any (Hopefully) of if I have gained (probably.)

I did have a week where I went up like 5 pounds, and it took me 3 weeks to come back down.  So, there may be times where it's hard but stick with it and you will accomplish wonderful things!

Playing around tonight

So tonight, I was playing with a digital image simulator to see what I may look like when I get all this weight off. It's not taking into account my body or my shape, but it was exciting to see where I have come from, and to get a visual for what my body will look like when I get all this extra padding taken off.  It was exciting, and invigorating for me.  I was able to take the time and really see what I was working for, and I would highly recommend everyone do it.  I just googled a weight loss simulator for free and found one that you can customize with your height, weight, hair color, etc.  It was really kind of cool to see it.  While I may not see much of a change in the first 50 pounds I have lost (Other than smaller hips which is AMAZING in itself) but I am looking forward to what 100 pounds off is going to look like. 

And something that was amazing, was we had some Digornio pizza last night and it really was NOT all that good.  I found myself wanting the salad more than the pizza, and so having the salad last night before the pizza was the best choice I made.  :) 

So, just something fun. The idea of being a smaller girl is something I look forward to.  I want to be able to be the person that people see and don't judge as much as they have in the past.  I felt that I had to be invisible growing up, because I was SO picked on and was so insecure. But now I am more secure in who I am, and I am ready to show everyone who I am.  And ready to be the strong person I was born to be. SO it's time to let go of the past and move on.  It is hard, and there is a lot I have to fight to let go of. But I am finally ready to meet the challenges.  And that's what matters... That I am meeting the challenges and working past them, and not eating my feelings anymore. 

So look for a more confident, more slim person come this summer. I already am slimmer, I have a small child off my back.  It's time to loose that teenager that has been on my back for so long.  And than I can get rid of the adult that is on my back and be just me.  I can't wait to be able to say that I have achieved my goal and that I am who I want to be.  

Found something for weight loss!

Laughs, can I say that I honestly got REALLY sick again? This is seriously, the 3rd time in this month that I got sick. I am SO tired of it, and so OVER it. BUT.... 

I have found a perfect weight loss tool... Illness!  Laughs.  I was stuck last week, and I was upset about it but I got REALLY sick on Tuesday, spiked a fever yesterday and am spiking another one today.  So I got on the scale a little bit later than normal because I spaced (cold medicine makes me feel stupid right now) and I was SHOCKED to see the scale at 352.8.  FREAKING 352.8!!  I will admit, I was over 400 when I started.  I am estimating my starting point at 404.... SO I HAVE LOST 51.2 pounds! 

In 6 months I lost 51.2 pounds. This blows my mind. This is the most exciting thing ever for me, that I was able to get over that hump and CRUSH It!  It has been hard lately, with Valentines day coming up and the candy EVERYWHERE and the feeling like I would possibly want to indulge in it... And how I want to be my own valentine.  :) I will buy myself candy, and flowers. :) 

Honestly, I think I would appreciate flowers more if someone gave them to me BEFORE or after valentines day, not On valentines day.  I just think it's funny to have one day to show love to someone... but I digress... 

SO here is my reason to loosing weight as ill: 

When you are sick you can't taste anything, so you don't want to eat. You loose weight. 

When you are sick you cough more, so you are working out your stomach. Tighter muscles! 

When you are sick, you lay in bed more. Therefore food is further from your mind. You loose weight. 

And again: 

When you are sick, nothing looks good so you don't eat.  YOU LOOSE WEIGHT.  :) 

Of course, when you get healthy again you want to eat everything... 

So beware.  Illness is great for loosing weight, but it's also bad for your body. You have to force yourself to eat good things, and you have to stop yourself from not eating.  Food is important to heal your body. 

I am going to lay down now, my body is starting to ache and get chilled again.  I think the fever is returning, blast it! 

But had to share my success.  And I know you won't judge me on my weight. :) 

Surprising Day

I had a surprising day today.  Last night mom and I tried to watch "Hope Springs" and it was a horribly uncomfortable movie.  It started off sad, with the married couple living more like room mates than a couple.  It proceeds to her wanting to fix it and him being more reluctant.  It was sad to see this happen, but that does make me think about how I don't want my life to become that at 31 years married. I don't want the spark to die, and I don't want to have it feel like I am not doing anything to save it.
So what made it horrible was the therapy sessions.  They talk a lot about sex in it, and I am not comfortable with people talking about something that is so sacred and beautiful.  Granted, it was a married couple and not a couple shacking up like you see so much on TV and in movies anymore. But still, to hear the therapist ask about things that are SO deeply personal was very uncomfortable.  And when they started to have "homework" to be able to get used to touching each other and stuff like that, it became too much for me. Thankfully Mom fast forwarded it, because she was uncomfortable too.
It was sad because I put it on my Facebook page, and I had to explain to someone why I felt this way.  Why I was so upset with such personal things being put on the large screen and into our homes. I am human, and I do get urges just like anyone else. But sex is so beautiful and so sacred that it is hard to see someone treating it like it should be entertainment for the masses.  To see someone open the door to their marriage and their bedrooms and air all the dirty laundry.  It was not something I was comfortable with watching, having this couple work through rekindling their dying romance.
I'm sure it was something that people enjoyed, but I personally had a hard time with it.  I personally spent more time looking at my computer because I didn't want to see something I hold as so precious being portrayed as it was.
And how do you explain this to someone?  How do you tell them that what they are showing was just another example of how the world sees relationships.  How life can get in the way of living, and it truly did open my eyes and tell me how to make sure to not turn out.  However, I also want to make sure that my voice is heard and that such beautiful things should stay where they belong.  The beauty of making love should stay behind the closed bedroom doors, and should be as precious as our religion.  And I will fight to make sure people understand that is how I feel.
This is why today was an interesting day.  And surprising.  I hope I don't have to go through this again. And I think I will be sticking with the cartoons more from now on, and will read reviews before going to the movies or renting a movie again.

New Blog... YAY!!

So I have created another blog,with recipes and tips from my weight loss journey as well.  I created it for my cousin, and as a way to share our amazing recipes that we have tried and loved though the course of this journey.  I wanted to make it something that we can enjoy and have fun with it, and honestly I LOVE it.  It's so much fun to get on there and share.  So this last one I posted wasn't a recipe, but it was a list of what I can and can't eat.  The nice thing is, I can eat ANYTHING.  I don't have anything I can't eat.  I just have to make sure if I have enough to be able to eat it.  OR I have to decide if eating nothing but fruit and vegetables for the rest of the day is worth it.  And it's funny to see how your mindset changes towards foods.

Here is the link to the webpage, and the recipes on it.

Dash Of Sunshine

I really am having a ton of fun with it, and hope by the end of this month to have a majority of our favorite recipes on it.  I want to be able to share what we have been able to enjoy with anyone else who is struggling to loose those last few pounds, or to loose the adult that is riding around on their back with them.

I'm so much happier now than I thought I would be.  It's a great feeling.