I will admit, that this has been a long time coming. I have had thoughts that I needed to work on myself to make myself more healthy. I have felt that I needed to start to exercise, and that I needed to be more careful. I tried to adjust what I was eating, and thought I was doing OK. I had a friend who wanted to do a food journal with me, and we both never did a thing about it. We kept thinking we were OK, and we could do what we wanted.
Well, my mother decided to start with a weight loss program, and I felt that she needed the support. Therefore, I decided to support my mother and do it with her. I didn't know if my father would give her the support she needed and I knew I had to do something to help to save my life.
So I started on my "Lifestyle change" and went on Pinterest to figure out just how many points I could do, and what I was going to be doing with my life. I was like "Oh, this is going to be SO easy!! I can do this, it's not going to be much of a change."
Little did I know, just how much I was going to change. I had to measure EVERYTHING. I had to write down every single LITTLE thing that I put into my mouth. I had to watch how much sugar I ate, and how much exercise I had. I thought it was STUPID and I couldn't understand exactly what I was doing and why I was doing this. I didn't even weigh myself to start, as I was terrified to get on that scale and see what the number was that was looking up at me. I was in denial, and I was terrified because I kept telling myself "I don't look that bad... I am not THAT heavy."
I did this for a week, and it was hard. It was the most hard thing I had to do, to deny all my cravings, to deny all my desires, and to tell myself that the small portions would be enough for me to do. I told myself that I was full, regardless of the fact that my brain was screaming at me that I was insane to eat so little. I had went from these MASSIVE plates to these small plates, measuring a half a cup of potatoes or a cup of cereal. I went from eating whatever I wanted to eating more fruits, more salads, vegetables, and washing off my fruit when it came from the can.
By the time this week was over, and I had denied any soda, any chocolate, any junk food and was CRAZY about eating just fruits and vegetables, some eggs, and measuring everything. I will be honest, I don't know how much I weighed when I started, but to get on the scale and see the numbers looking back up at me, I wanted to cry. I had let myself get to the point where I knew I was unattractive.
I let myself get to a point that I didn't even love myself. I punished myself with food, with chocolate, and withheld love from myself. I was not happy, I was devastated to see the person who was staring back at me. I didn't realize until that moment just what I had done to myself, and just how much I was punishing myself for what I believed I had done in my past.
However, this was when I took control. I had to realize I wasn't that person anymore, I wasn't that person that needed to turn to food to feel love. I didn't need to be that person anymore, I needed to change and this was the first step in changing that. I needed to allow myself to be loved, and stop punishing myself.
I was punishing myself for what happened in the past. I had allowed myself to fall hard for some guys, and they didn't reciprocate that feeling.
I had one guy that I fell for hard, and I know that he did care about me like that, but his friends got to him and changed his mind. When someone tells you they love you, and than take it back it does something to you. It makes you question EVERYTHING that you thought or saw with what he did, said, or how he treated you. I also had to realize I didn't want a guy that was so wishy washy. I wanted him to stand up for me, and he didn't. So I punished myself for feeling that way about him... and that was wrong. I have come to terms that I did that to myself, and I am working past it.
I am turning away from food, and working on myself more and more now than ever. It's amazing to see the pant sizes going DOWN instead of going up. I have currently lost 43 lbs, including Christmas. The amazing thing is that I was able to go through Thanksgiving and loose 2 lbs, and than go through Christmas (and all the cookies and fudge and goodies) and not gain a pound. I have learned that I need to moderate everything. I need to take control of my life, and not let food control me. I need to be more of who I am and stop being the victim.
I have been a victim for so long, a victim of food. I will no longer be that victim. I stop eating when I am full. I will not clear my plate. I will not take more than I need to take. I will not snack all day long, and I will not eat more sugar than I need to.
I am going to keep going on my journey, and I have a long way to go. I didn't end up loosing the 50 I wanted to by Christmas, but I was able to loose 42 lbs. I have lost 3 pant sizes for my slacks. I am more confident, and I am going to keep going. I want to be able to say by the summer that I have lost 100 lbs. I don't know if I will be at that point, but that is OK. I will be working my absolute hardest to make myself feel the confidence I deserve to feel. I will also be working on allowing myself to feel the love I deserve.
I am really good at giving, I am just not as good at receiving. And that's something else I am going to work on.
It's a new year, and I have to work on me. So that's what I am going to do.
