Playing around tonight

So tonight, I was playing with a digital image simulator to see what I may look like when I get all this weight off. It's not taking into account my body or my shape, but it was exciting to see where I have come from, and to get a visual for what my body will look like when I get all this extra padding taken off.  It was exciting, and invigorating for me.  I was able to take the time and really see what I was working for, and I would highly recommend everyone do it.  I just googled a weight loss simulator for free and found one that you can customize with your height, weight, hair color, etc.  It was really kind of cool to see it.  While I may not see much of a change in the first 50 pounds I have lost (Other than smaller hips which is AMAZING in itself) but I am looking forward to what 100 pounds off is going to look like. 

And something that was amazing, was we had some Digornio pizza last night and it really was NOT all that good.  I found myself wanting the salad more than the pizza, and so having the salad last night before the pizza was the best choice I made.  :) 

So, just something fun. The idea of being a smaller girl is something I look forward to.  I want to be able to be the person that people see and don't judge as much as they have in the past.  I felt that I had to be invisible growing up, because I was SO picked on and was so insecure. But now I am more secure in who I am, and I am ready to show everyone who I am.  And ready to be the strong person I was born to be. SO it's time to let go of the past and move on.  It is hard, and there is a lot I have to fight to let go of. But I am finally ready to meet the challenges.  And that's what matters... That I am meeting the challenges and working past them, and not eating my feelings anymore. 

So look for a more confident, more slim person come this summer. I already am slimmer, I have a small child off my back.  It's time to loose that teenager that has been on my back for so long.  And than I can get rid of the adult that is on my back and be just me.  I can't wait to be able to say that I have achieved my goal and that I am who I want to be.  

Found something for weight loss!

Laughs, can I say that I honestly got REALLY sick again? This is seriously, the 3rd time in this month that I got sick. I am SO tired of it, and so OVER it. BUT.... 

I have found a perfect weight loss tool... Illness!  Laughs.  I was stuck last week, and I was upset about it but I got REALLY sick on Tuesday, spiked a fever yesterday and am spiking another one today.  So I got on the scale a little bit later than normal because I spaced (cold medicine makes me feel stupid right now) and I was SHOCKED to see the scale at 352.8.  FREAKING 352.8!!  I will admit, I was over 400 when I started.  I am estimating my starting point at 404.... SO I HAVE LOST 51.2 pounds! 

In 6 months I lost 51.2 pounds. This blows my mind. This is the most exciting thing ever for me, that I was able to get over that hump and CRUSH It!  It has been hard lately, with Valentines day coming up and the candy EVERYWHERE and the feeling like I would possibly want to indulge in it... And how I want to be my own valentine.  :) I will buy myself candy, and flowers. :) 

Honestly, I think I would appreciate flowers more if someone gave them to me BEFORE or after valentines day, not On valentines day.  I just think it's funny to have one day to show love to someone... but I digress... 

SO here is my reason to loosing weight as ill: 

When you are sick you can't taste anything, so you don't want to eat. You loose weight. 

When you are sick you cough more, so you are working out your stomach. Tighter muscles! 

When you are sick, you lay in bed more. Therefore food is further from your mind. You loose weight. 

And again: 

When you are sick, nothing looks good so you don't eat.  YOU LOOSE WEIGHT.  :) 

Of course, when you get healthy again you want to eat everything... 

So beware.  Illness is great for loosing weight, but it's also bad for your body. You have to force yourself to eat good things, and you have to stop yourself from not eating.  Food is important to heal your body. 

I am going to lay down now, my body is starting to ache and get chilled again.  I think the fever is returning, blast it! 

But had to share my success.  And I know you won't judge me on my weight. :) 

Surprising Day

I had a surprising day today.  Last night mom and I tried to watch "Hope Springs" and it was a horribly uncomfortable movie.  It started off sad, with the married couple living more like room mates than a couple.  It proceeds to her wanting to fix it and him being more reluctant.  It was sad to see this happen, but that does make me think about how I don't want my life to become that at 31 years married. I don't want the spark to die, and I don't want to have it feel like I am not doing anything to save it.
So what made it horrible was the therapy sessions.  They talk a lot about sex in it, and I am not comfortable with people talking about something that is so sacred and beautiful.  Granted, it was a married couple and not a couple shacking up like you see so much on TV and in movies anymore. But still, to hear the therapist ask about things that are SO deeply personal was very uncomfortable.  And when they started to have "homework" to be able to get used to touching each other and stuff like that, it became too much for me. Thankfully Mom fast forwarded it, because she was uncomfortable too.
It was sad because I put it on my Facebook page, and I had to explain to someone why I felt this way.  Why I was so upset with such personal things being put on the large screen and into our homes. I am human, and I do get urges just like anyone else. But sex is so beautiful and so sacred that it is hard to see someone treating it like it should be entertainment for the masses.  To see someone open the door to their marriage and their bedrooms and air all the dirty laundry.  It was not something I was comfortable with watching, having this couple work through rekindling their dying romance.
I'm sure it was something that people enjoyed, but I personally had a hard time with it.  I personally spent more time looking at my computer because I didn't want to see something I hold as so precious being portrayed as it was.
And how do you explain this to someone?  How do you tell them that what they are showing was just another example of how the world sees relationships.  How life can get in the way of living, and it truly did open my eyes and tell me how to make sure to not turn out.  However, I also want to make sure that my voice is heard and that such beautiful things should stay where they belong.  The beauty of making love should stay behind the closed bedroom doors, and should be as precious as our religion.  And I will fight to make sure people understand that is how I feel.
This is why today was an interesting day.  And surprising.  I hope I don't have to go through this again. And I think I will be sticking with the cartoons more from now on, and will read reviews before going to the movies or renting a movie again.

New Blog... YAY!!

So I have created another blog,with recipes and tips from my weight loss journey as well.  I created it for my cousin, and as a way to share our amazing recipes that we have tried and loved though the course of this journey.  I wanted to make it something that we can enjoy and have fun with it, and honestly I LOVE it.  It's so much fun to get on there and share.  So this last one I posted wasn't a recipe, but it was a list of what I can and can't eat.  The nice thing is, I can eat ANYTHING.  I don't have anything I can't eat.  I just have to make sure if I have enough to be able to eat it.  OR I have to decide if eating nothing but fruit and vegetables for the rest of the day is worth it.  And it's funny to see how your mindset changes towards foods.

Here is the link to the webpage, and the recipes on it.

Dash Of Sunshine

I really am having a ton of fun with it, and hope by the end of this month to have a majority of our favorite recipes on it.  I want to be able to share what we have been able to enjoy with anyone else who is struggling to loose those last few pounds, or to loose the adult that is riding around on their back with them.

I'm so much happier now than I thought I would be.  It's a great feeling.

Brutal honesty

Today was my weigh in day.  It was ALMOST exciting, except for the fact that I didn't go down last week at all.  I stayed exactly where I was.  I admit, I wasn't so good yesterday.  I felt like I just wanted to keep eating.  AND I got some Mega Stuffed Oreo's so I had to try it.  They are SUPER stuffed... Like 2 double stuffed Oreo's smashed the cream together and took the cookies away.  If I was a cream girl, it would be amazing.  I'm more of a cookie person.  So... I don't know what I am going to do with them, other than grounding them up and putting them on my chocolate sugar-free pudding.  It will add 4 points to it, but that makes it a 6 point snack.
So I get on the scale after going to the restroom, and taking a shower.  I have found that I weigh in when I am out of the shower and it's better.  I got on the scale 3 times, just to make sure that the weight was right.  The first time, I got a number that I wasn't too happy with.  The second time, it was up 2 pounds from where I was on the first weigh in. So it became "best 2 out of 3" and I got on for the last time.  I was able to confirm the results on the last step on the scale....  I am up.  I am up .2 pounds but I am still up....
This journey really is a lot of work. It's not something that is an easy thing to do.  You have to get up every single day and decide to eat better. You have to ignore those little voices in your head that are telling you that  you want that order of fries.  You want that piece of chocolate cake. You want that personal pie that's in the freezer section.
It's not telling yourself you can't have it though.  It's more taking a step back, and trying to figure out WHY you want those things.  What is going on in your life right now to make you want those items? It's hard to pinpoint why, but it's something I need to remember. There is a reason that I am wanting those things, and it is deeper than just a craving.
Once I figure that out, I will be okay.  It's just hard.  Hard when you look at something that you used to love and tell yourself that you don't "desire it."  While your brain is saying "Heck yes I want that!!!" there is a little part of your brain that takes over and says "I don't know, maybe I don't want that..."  It's hard to change your life when you spend a lot of it not caring what you put into your mouth.  Everything went from "Whatever I want" to "What do you need?"  It's a radical change, and it's a hard change to continue to support.  I am just feeling like I am going uphill right now....  It's not THAT bad, but when you go to the store and you steer clear of everything else that used to tempt you before it can be hard.  It's hard to tell yourself that you don't need the donuts. You don't need the Lofthouse cookies.... If someone was to buy a package you could have one but you don't need to buy the package yourself.
It's a lifestyle change, and it's hard. But it's time to be brutally honest with myself. What I was doing was going to kill me.  I wasn't doing anything to change my life, other than to make it shorter.
It's hard to admit that... I was slowly killing myself by not taking care of myself. I need to start taking more control. I am not doing anything drastic, but I am doing what I need to so that I can be alive later.  I can have children when I meet the right guy. I can be happy.
That's the one thing that has changed, I am more happy than I have been in a LONG time.  I feel more happy, and I have more energy. I can do more, walk longer, and dance longer. I need to keep going and get half of myself lost so I can be the person I was born to be.  This journey has started, and I don't intend on it finishing.

I love wings, and these just took my breath away!

So while we were at the festival, I found a booth that had these STUNNING wings.  I know, fairies are everywhere and so are their wings. But THESE wings are handmade, hand painted and one of a kind. They make wands, wings, and outfits as well. They also make hats, and as I was standing there watching, two little girls got wings and hats, and the booth owner let them take 2 wands for free.  I was very impressed with his kindness, so I came closer to examine the works of art that were hanging on the booth.  I got permission from the booth owner to take pics, and I have contact information in case someone is interested in ordering some.  :)  I just HAVE to share some of the beauty!!!

 These are the ones for the little ones. They would be adorable on a baby, up to 2 years old I think is what he said. They are SO CUTE!!!  

 These are the BEAUTIFUL wands. They look just like flowers. I love it! 

 I SERIOUSLY want these wings!  I was floored with how beautiful they were, and the paint job is just... they left me speechless. 

 These are the wings that can be worn by Teenagers or adults.  They are SO fun, and not as extravagant as the wings on the walls. 

 These wings had peacock feathers on them, which helped to enhance how lovely they were! 

 These are sets for the kiddos. They had a skirt, a bracelet, and wings. And they were $35 for them, which made me want them a little bit more.  A complete outfit!  And so stinking cute! 

 The mermaid wings... Sigh... 

 Pink and glitter... Need I say more?  :) 

 These are the wings for the toddlers to the 9 year old kiddos. They are SO cute, and the flowers are hats!!! 

 More beautiful wings... The peacock feathers made them a bit more but SO worth it! 

 The colors.... 

 This set was calling my name, but I had to walk away from it... 

 The wings that look like leaves... the imagination just blows my mind! 

And THESE are the ones that I ended up getting for myself, and for my sister to be able to use in her Studio. 

  The flower hat was too cute, and this one I think is just for me.  I don't think I will be letting anyone else wear it.

This is the other pair of wings I got that I loved!  They are so soft and pretty... I just couldn't resist.

The Dickens Festival was FUN!

One of the perks of living where we do is that we are close enough to a lot of amazing things.  We are close to Disneyland, the San Diego Zoo, Sea World, Six Flags Magic Mountain, and Calico Ghost Town to name a few.  We have made amazing friends from all walks of life, and we are able to enjoy their company as often as possible.  One of the amazing things we have been able to do is to go down and see the "Charles Dickens Festival" where people are able to dress up in Victorian clothes and re-enact the time frame.  This is much like we do at the Renaissance Pleasure Fair in the spring.  I enjoyed walking around and seeing people in their outfits and how beautiful some of their clothes were.  I just had to share some of the joy, so I took pics to show. :)

 The Queen of the festival, Victoria. 

 The court with her Majesty. 

 I think that this was a princess.  The tiara kind of helps to support that thought.

 Our friend Susan.  Love her outfit, it's SO pretty! 

 Our friend Lewis.  Looking dashing! 

 Beautiful Brenda!  Such a talented lady! 

 Christina and her son... He is SO cute! 

 Her son was hiding behind her, but when he noticed me taking pictures he took drastic measures. 

 He was being shy, so he hid UNDER her skirt.  

 The cutie pie playing with a balloon. 

 High Tea with the nobility. 

 Another princess. :) 

 The queen.  

This is just a few of the pics, but I didn't want to share them all.  I had such a good time. It was incredible! And I got a few trinkets from it, since next year we are planning on joining in the fun and making costumes.