Valentines day

With Valentines Day coming closer and closer, it really makes me stop and think about what I have and don't have in my life. I have a wonderful family whom I love and adore. I have wonderful friends who make my life better by being a part of it.

I can sit here and mope and complain about how there is no one special in my life, and about how much Valentines Day makes me realize just how single I am. Trust me, I SO could do that. I have done that for about 7 years as I lived in Utah, but that was because I was truly alone.

I didn't have my family around, my friends would all have dates, and I would have to spend the day as a scrooge. I absolutely HATED Valentines day. I would boycott it and watch movies where one or both of the people in it died and there wasn't a happy ending. And I would LAUGH at them. I was really bad! I called it the Singles Awareness Day because it made me aware JUST how single I was.

The last year was bad because one of my best friends (whom I was living with at the time) had just broken up with her fiance like 5 days before Valentines Day. Then, 3 days later, she was dating someone else. He brought her cards proclaiming love for her, flowers, chocolate covered strawberries, and would be all lovey dovey mushy gross, after knowing her for 2 days!!! 2 DAYS!!!! COME ON!!! I don't personally think that's enough time to get to know someone, you need more than that to know if you truly love them or just lust them.... But that's not the point.
It was very hard for me, seeing what I wanted so badly and not having it.

So I ran away. Literally. I went to a friends house, and didn't come home until they were gone. I left before they got back and went to someone elses house and spent the night there. I had a night planned to watch movies with my friend, have sparkling cider and toast being single. That didn't work out, so I did it by myself. (I am not telling you this for you to feel sorry for me, I am just explaining part of why I hated the holiday so much.) I had to endure the kissing in the kitchen, being trapped in the bedroom because it was more of a studio layout, but there was a separate kitchen, bathroom, living room, and bedroom. It was just one straight shot, and you couldn't get out of there unless you were in the living room.

So when she got married to him 6 weeks later, it was a shock. But it made her happy, and it allowed me to not worry so much for her. But by that time, I was completely done with all of it. The whole Valentines stuff was wasted on me. I don't like it at all, and that completely cemented it for me.

I watched my friend whom was single for 3 days before guys were banging down her door to date her. She has been through 3 other engagements before she eloped with her husband. She finally found the right one, and I am happy for her.

It's just hard for someone when they have had no serious relationships to watch someone throw them away and pick up another one like I would pick up a movie at the video store. It makes you sit and wonder what it is about you that kept you single for so long, and is keeping you single.
It makes you question if it is something physical you are doing, like you are not pretty enough, or if it is just your size, which you have struggled with loving your whole life and can't seem to get down.

It seemed like about the time I loved myself, really truly loved myself, I had to go through this whole fiasco. I was glad to be single at the time, I was grateful to have time for myself, and not have to worry about what someone else was doing. And then everything I wanted SO desperately was shoved in my face and I could see it but I couldn't have it.

So I am grateful this Valentines day to be living with my sister and her family. While I may be single, I will not be alone. I have 3 little kids whom I love and I know love me in return. I have a sister and brother-in-law whom are wonderful. I have my mother, father, and brothers here. While I may not have a huge circle of friends, I do have loyal friends. That's what matters to me. While some friends may be states away, they are close in my heart.

Valentines Day can come, I don't care. I get to work all day, and come home and enjoy what it should be all about. Unconditional love. And I don't need a boyfriend for that right now. I have my family. That makes me content. (But if you know anyone whom is looking..... Hook a sister up!!! :D)