Today was my weigh in day. It was ALMOST exciting, except for the fact that I didn't go down last week at all. I stayed exactly where I was. I admit, I wasn't so good yesterday. I felt like I just wanted to keep eating. AND I got some Mega Stuffed Oreo's so I had to try it. They are SUPER stuffed... Like 2 double stuffed Oreo's smashed the cream together and took the cookies away. If I was a cream girl, it would be amazing. I'm more of a cookie person. So... I don't know what I am going to do with them, other than grounding them up and putting them on my chocolate sugar-free pudding. It will add 4 points to it, but that makes it a 6 point snack.
So I get on the scale after going to the restroom, and taking a shower. I have found that I weigh in when I am out of the shower and it's better. I got on the scale 3 times, just to make sure that the weight was right. The first time, I got a number that I wasn't too happy with. The second time, it was up 2 pounds from where I was on the first weigh in. So it became "best 2 out of 3" and I got on for the last time. I was able to confirm the results on the last step on the scale.... I am up. I am up .2 pounds but I am still up....
This journey really is a lot of work. It's not something that is an easy thing to do. You have to get up every single day and decide to eat better. You have to ignore those little voices in your head that are telling you that you want that order of fries. You want that piece of chocolate cake. You want that personal pie that's in the freezer section.
It's not telling yourself you can't have it though. It's more taking a step back, and trying to figure out WHY you want those things. What is going on in your life right now to make you want those items? It's hard to pinpoint why, but it's something I need to remember. There is a reason that I am wanting those things, and it is deeper than just a craving.
Once I figure that out, I will be okay. It's just hard. Hard when you look at something that you used to love and tell yourself that you don't "desire it." While your brain is saying "Heck yes I want that!!!" there is a little part of your brain that takes over and says "I don't know, maybe I don't want that..." It's hard to change your life when you spend a lot of it not caring what you put into your mouth. Everything went from "Whatever I want" to "What do you need?" It's a radical change, and it's a hard change to continue to support. I am just feeling like I am going uphill right now.... It's not THAT bad, but when you go to the store and you steer clear of everything else that used to tempt you before it can be hard. It's hard to tell yourself that you don't need the donuts. You don't need the Lofthouse cookies.... If someone was to buy a package you could have one but you don't need to buy the package yourself.
It's a lifestyle change, and it's hard. But it's time to be brutally honest with myself. What I was doing was going to kill me. I wasn't doing anything to change my life, other than to make it shorter.
It's hard to admit that... I was slowly killing myself by not taking care of myself. I need to start taking more control. I am not doing anything drastic, but I am doing what I need to so that I can be alive later. I can have children when I meet the right guy. I can be happy.
That's the one thing that has changed, I am more happy than I have been in a LONG time. I feel more happy, and I have more energy. I can do more, walk longer, and dance longer. I need to keep going and get half of myself lost so I can be the person I was born to be. This journey has started, and I don't intend on it finishing.
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