My mom cracks me up.

My mother is trying SO hard to get me to call someone... that she is trying everything to get me to do it. And my brother is just as funny. He thinks anything that my family needs to call him for I will do. Not so much...

I actually want to see him again, so I am thinking about being at the house and surprising him but I am afraid if my car is there that he won't come in and try to feed the animals but he will just leave. I am still trying to figure that one out...

Nothing new really going on here, except that Lane Bryant is SO screwing me on hours. I was supposed to have 19 this week, but I am only like at 10 hours. And next week I am on call, that's all. I guess I will have to leave soon... DARN!!! I guess the school will be good for me. But I can ask them to put me on call only on Mondays, and that's all.... And then I still keep the discount, and I don't have to work for them any more... Unless the On Call is activated... But still one night a week I won't kill anyone. That's something else to work on...

Christina is amazing, in case you are all wondering. She has some fabulous kits coming out soon, so check out her store at http://designsindigital.com/ and http://www.digiscrapboutique.com/boutique So please check them out. Or look at WimpyChompers creations... She is worth your time I promise. She makes me want to do digital scrapbooking instead of on paper because of her cute kits!!!

Well, should let her have her computer. Will keep you updated on my lameness considering the boys, and the quest to loose some weight. I want to slim down my hips and thighs SO BAD!!! I am fed up with feeling huge because of some genetics... So I am going to work on that.... Laughs. That's what we all say, right? I know that I am beautiful, but I want to feel that way when I look in a mirror, and not just hate my lower body and love the upper. I want to love all of it!!!

I did try.

In case ANYONE was wondering, I did try to contact the guy that I have a crush on. But I was such a chicken, I waited until I knew he would be working and tried to call him then, knowing that he would not be able to answer the phone and I could leave a message being breezy and light, making him think I am adorable and not a huge dork as I stumble over my words trying to talk to him.

I don't understand why I am this way. I can talk to ALL of the guys that are my friends, no matter how long it has been. So why does this ONE man have me tripping over my words, blushing, and stuttering like a twittered school girl? Maybe because I am acting like one...

He has me completely... I don't know how to describe it. It's like I want to get to know him, but I don't know how and can't open my mouth with him. I want to see him, but I am terrified that he will think I am too forward. I am not waiting around for him to be available to see me, but I also am not trying to go out of my way to meet other people. I see guys that are cute at church, but I won't go up and talk to them because I get too shy.

Sometimes I think it would be better if I was able to just go up to him, grab him and just kiss him. That way I can say "Now that we have gotten that over with, let's talk" and have nothing really awkward between us. But that may be an awkward thing to do in the first place, since I don't know if that would be a good or bad thing..... Oh gosh I am just going nuts. I don't know what is wrong with me.

TIred, so tired.

This week is going to be crazy, so I can only post something short. I am working ALL week, which I know shouldn't be a bad thing. I am working almost every single day. I am crossing my fingers that on Thursday I may have it off so I can actually rest!

So, here's my schedule:

Sunday, Lane Bryant
Monday, ON CALL at Lane Bryant
Tuesday, Day Spa Jolie all day
Tuesday Night, private party massage
Wednesday, Lane Bryant
Thursday, Nothing so far.
Friday, Lane Bryant
Saturday, Day Spa Jolie ALL DAY!
Saturday, ON CALL at Lane Bryant

So, you see that today is going to be busy. BLAH!! Oh, and on top of all this I need to schedule to get my fingerprints done so I can start at the School District doing Sub work for Proctor, Food Services, Teachers Aid, and Clerical. I like to be busy, but not THIS busy.

Hopefully SOON I can quit Lane, I want to leave before Halloween, so in the next 2 weeks I hope to quit! Oh wouldn't it be LOVER-LY!!!!

What have I gotten myself into?!?!?!?

Oh my goodness, I am starting to wonder at my sanity and that's the truth. I have been working on getting a 3rd job started, because I wasn't getting enough money from the 2 I had. Ha! I should have known it was only TEMPORARY!!

I have a FULL day on Saturday, which is WONDERFUL!!! But... I have a physical tomorrow for the school district, and the last physical I had was when I was working on my mission papers. Like 4 years ago, maybe 5 now. I just got a TB test done, horray. And it was negative, though it bled quite a bit.

On top of the physical tomorrow, I have 2 massages on the books, and they are asking me to contact them when the physical is over so I can get more. Yay....

Saturday I have 3 slots open for massage last time I checked, and that means I am starting at 9 in the morning, going until 6 at night, with possibly 3 hours that aren't filled, and an hour lunch... so like... I am going to pour myself into the car after that.

On top of all this, I am probably working at Lane Bryant on Sunday from 1-6pm, and I am not sure of the rest of my work schedule for next week.

I have been promised that I will be busy when they are able to get all my stuff done for the school district, meaning Monday through Friday, and than the Spa Tuesday through Saturday, and Lane whenever they feel like giving me hours (and you DON'T want to get me started on that!!!)

Oh, and I almost forgot that if my schedule stays the way it is written for next week, I have 19 hours I will spend at Lane Bryant with 2 on calls scheduled, so that is a possibility for like 25 plus hours at ONE job.

I can just hear my body shrieking now in protest....

And my bank account swelling with each and every massage that I give.. So if I seem really out of it, or I just don't post for a while, it's probably because I have lost all feeling in my arms and I had to pour myself into bed when I got home due to the overworked state.

And I used to complain that I had nothing to do.....

I am basically A geek!!!

All day I have been worrying about how I like this man, and how I try to give him space so I don't seem too anxious to talk to him or worry him about how "Strong" I come on and don't call him because I know he is busy and don't e-mail that often because don't know if he is getting the messages or not and I don't want to be a nuisance.

And then I realized that I am worrying for all the wrong reasons. I am worried that he is going to think that I am weird, and that he is not going to want to get to know the wonderful person that I am, so I am holding MYSELF back. I am not LETTING him get to know me and all that I am capable of. I am putting up walls, protecting myself, and that is something I have been trained to do.

I trained myself to be careful with people because I have had people use me in the past. I have had people who pretended to be my friends use me, and I had absolutely no clue it was going on. I was so trusting and open with these people, that I let them use everything I owned without thinking about it. The exception was my car and my apartment, but I didn't think about it. I thought that this is what the Lord wanted us to do for our fellow men, to trust and love them as He would.

I trusted them so much, that I ignored warning signs of dishonesty such as lying about returning money to me. Thankfully I didn't take a friend shopping and let her use my credit card, she never would have paid me back.

I have been so trusting that I received a blessing that warned me to watch out for people who would use me, and be sure that those I trust deserved that trust. I am afraid that I took that too much to heart, because I have been cautious ever since. I have been afraid to trust the wrong people, so I take my time getting to know them until I feel that I can trust them with myself.

I don't want to do this anymore, and I have been working on it. I have been more stand-offish than I normally am, and I hope this explains why I may seem like (as my sister so lovingly put it) if you come near me I will break off your arm and beat you with it.

My brothers are a hoot, though. They said that they always imagined me going up to a man, saying "You, mine!" bopping them on the head and dragging them back to my cave (or they tease the temple) by the hair as a cave woman might. While there may be someone I am INCREDIBLY tempted to do that to, but I won't! I want him to be just as willing to bop me on the head and drag me to the temple as well. :)

So while this post started saying that I understand what my shortcomings are, and I do... It is really to say that I am going to stop. I am going to stop doing what is hurting me, which is not trying. I am so afraid of being rejected that I wouldn't TRY to contact him and invite him to things. I wouldn't TRY to tell him that I want him to ask ME on a date, because boys are dumb and sometimes you have to tell them that you want them to ask you out.

I have discovered that dropping hints just doesn't work AT ALL!!! You can be flashing big fans at him saying "ASK ME OUT!!!!" and he would just say "Nice fans!" Sometimes, that's endearing. But right now, it's more annoying.

So, I am going to stop stopping myself and just start trying again. I can't give up, because "I ain't no quitter!!!

So I have decided.

I did make a blog for my poems, so that I can keep this one with all the rambling which is the most fun... Please feel free to check it out:

Click Here

I hope that it is able to touch the lives I wanted it to.

So I was thinking... Just now....

I have a TON of poetry that I wrote, and it just sits in a folder. It doesn't do anything for anyone, and that is not what I want. I want to share it, but I am scared because I need to copyright the stuff before I share it. So I was wondering... Do I put it on here, or put it on another blog all together? One dedicated solely to poetry that I have written, so that I can stop holding onto them if someone else can enjoy them?

I know I probably shouldn't worry about it, but I can't help it. I just get on an idea, and can't let go. So I am asking what I should do. I don't know. Please let me know what YOU think of this idea. I have a name for it, and all that stuff. It's kind of something I was playing with when I thought I was going to publish it in a book, but books are hard to publish.

Here is an example of what I want to put up, in case you are wondering.

My Sister

There are many people in my life who have been there for me.
No matter what the pain and strife, beside me is where they will be.
But there is one person I know and love
That must have been sent from up above.
She is strong, beautiful and wise.
She is everything I wish I could be in my eyes.
She is strong and beautiful enough to endure her pains and ills.
She amazes me with her courage and will.
A sister's love you can't deny.
It's in every look, every giggle and sigh.
They silently suffer and hold in the pain.
When my sister cries it is silent like the rain.
She is everything I want to be.
She is such a wonderful example for me.
I am grateful for my sister,
I will tell her no lies.
And no matter what happens,
She is a hero in my eyes.

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