Sunshine's Space

I know I haven't posted in a while. I have been busy trying to get better, and I have been trying to not go crazy. I have been thinking about my life, the last few days as I was sick. I was thinking about all the people that are in it, and all the people in my past. I am glad that the people in my life are in it now, because they are helping me to become whom I need to. I also realized that I am not as closed off as I thought I was, but I am also not as open as I should be. It's a work in progress, I realize that. I am working on it. I just hate how it feels like everyone expects me to be so open, and so willing for everything to work like it should in movies.

I know this sounds weird, but I want a man who is like my brother. He researched this girls favorite candy that he took out for lunch, and then he made sure he had a big box of it with her favorite drink for dessert. It's REAL cute! I also want someone whom is willing to open the door for me, and is willing to get music for me off the internet if I ask. I want someone who is willing to do what it takes to be with me, not make excuses.

I know that excuses are just a front, and that people make excuses because A) they aren't interested and they are trying to let you down easily or B) they are just really that tired, and don't want to go anywhere. I KNOW I have days like that. I get so tired, that I don't want to go out and do anything. SO I don't. And I am SO socially busy as a result.... :)

I am trying to enjoy my niece and nephews as they are little, because that is going to go too fast. In the blink of an eye, the childhood will be over and I SO don't want to think about that. I LOVE that Ari wants me to read to her when she goes to bed. I LOVE that Camden runs away when he sees me and he just expects me to chase him. I LOVE that Alex always is SO excited to see me when I get home from work, and he is so curious as to what I am doing and where I am going. These are things that can not be replaced and memories that I didn't have because I missed their fun baby years because I lived too far away. I am trying to make up for lost time, and enjoy them as much as possible.

I know that I have flaws. I know that I am still single because I push people away, and that I haven't met the right one. I HATE that I am single, and I like it at the same time. I do wish I had a family of my own, but I also appreciate the time I have to get to know me again. I just can't seem to make up my mind about what I want.

I admit, it's hard when all your friends are getting engaged and married, I have had 2 friends get married in the last 3 days, another is getting married on the 8th and one is newly engaged. I know of 1 other engaged woman and my BROTHER is probably going to be married before me at this rate.

I am happy for all the people that are engaged and married, I am. I know it's not a race, but we always joked that I would get married first. Not so much, which I am glad. I just really would LOVE to glimps what the Lord has in store for me. I want to know WHY I have had to wait so long for ANY Type of relationship. I just have to wait more, and I hate being patient sometimes. This is the sometime, in case you are wondering. It's late, and the longer I go the more I am going to not make sense, so I am going to let you go and I am going to bed. Thanks for reading this, I know you could have better things to do. :)