What have I gotten myself into?!?!?!?

Oh my goodness, I am starting to wonder at my sanity and that's the truth. I have been working on getting a 3rd job started, because I wasn't getting enough money from the 2 I had. Ha! I should have known it was only TEMPORARY!!

I have a FULL day on Saturday, which is WONDERFUL!!! But... I have a physical tomorrow for the school district, and the last physical I had was when I was working on my mission papers. Like 4 years ago, maybe 5 now. I just got a TB test done, horray. And it was negative, though it bled quite a bit.

On top of the physical tomorrow, I have 2 massages on the books, and they are asking me to contact them when the physical is over so I can get more. Yay....

Saturday I have 3 slots open for massage last time I checked, and that means I am starting at 9 in the morning, going until 6 at night, with possibly 3 hours that aren't filled, and an hour lunch... so like... I am going to pour myself into the car after that.

On top of all this, I am probably working at Lane Bryant on Sunday from 1-6pm, and I am not sure of the rest of my work schedule for next week.

I have been promised that I will be busy when they are able to get all my stuff done for the school district, meaning Monday through Friday, and than the Spa Tuesday through Saturday, and Lane whenever they feel like giving me hours (and you DON'T want to get me started on that!!!)

Oh, and I almost forgot that if my schedule stays the way it is written for next week, I have 19 hours I will spend at Lane Bryant with 2 on calls scheduled, so that is a possibility for like 25 plus hours at ONE job.

I can just hear my body shrieking now in protest....

And my bank account swelling with each and every massage that I give.. So if I seem really out of it, or I just don't post for a while, it's probably because I have lost all feeling in my arms and I had to pour myself into bed when I got home due to the overworked state.

And I used to complain that I had nothing to do.....

I am basically A geek!!!

All day I have been worrying about how I like this man, and how I try to give him space so I don't seem too anxious to talk to him or worry him about how "Strong" I come on and don't call him because I know he is busy and don't e-mail that often because don't know if he is getting the messages or not and I don't want to be a nuisance.

And then I realized that I am worrying for all the wrong reasons. I am worried that he is going to think that I am weird, and that he is not going to want to get to know the wonderful person that I am, so I am holding MYSELF back. I am not LETTING him get to know me and all that I am capable of. I am putting up walls, protecting myself, and that is something I have been trained to do.

I trained myself to be careful with people because I have had people use me in the past. I have had people who pretended to be my friends use me, and I had absolutely no clue it was going on. I was so trusting and open with these people, that I let them use everything I owned without thinking about it. The exception was my car and my apartment, but I didn't think about it. I thought that this is what the Lord wanted us to do for our fellow men, to trust and love them as He would.

I trusted them so much, that I ignored warning signs of dishonesty such as lying about returning money to me. Thankfully I didn't take a friend shopping and let her use my credit card, she never would have paid me back.

I have been so trusting that I received a blessing that warned me to watch out for people who would use me, and be sure that those I trust deserved that trust. I am afraid that I took that too much to heart, because I have been cautious ever since. I have been afraid to trust the wrong people, so I take my time getting to know them until I feel that I can trust them with myself.

I don't want to do this anymore, and I have been working on it. I have been more stand-offish than I normally am, and I hope this explains why I may seem like (as my sister so lovingly put it) if you come near me I will break off your arm and beat you with it.

My brothers are a hoot, though. They said that they always imagined me going up to a man, saying "You, mine!" bopping them on the head and dragging them back to my cave (or they tease the temple) by the hair as a cave woman might. While there may be someone I am INCREDIBLY tempted to do that to, but I won't! I want him to be just as willing to bop me on the head and drag me to the temple as well. :)

So while this post started saying that I understand what my shortcomings are, and I do... It is really to say that I am going to stop. I am going to stop doing what is hurting me, which is not trying. I am so afraid of being rejected that I wouldn't TRY to contact him and invite him to things. I wouldn't TRY to tell him that I want him to ask ME on a date, because boys are dumb and sometimes you have to tell them that you want them to ask you out.

I have discovered that dropping hints just doesn't work AT ALL!!! You can be flashing big fans at him saying "ASK ME OUT!!!!" and he would just say "Nice fans!" Sometimes, that's endearing. But right now, it's more annoying.

So, I am going to stop stopping myself and just start trying again. I can't give up, because "I ain't no quitter!!!

So I have decided.

I did make a blog for my poems, so that I can keep this one with all the rambling which is the most fun... Please feel free to check it out:

Click Here

I hope that it is able to touch the lives I wanted it to.

So I was thinking... Just now....

I have a TON of poetry that I wrote, and it just sits in a folder. It doesn't do anything for anyone, and that is not what I want. I want to share it, but I am scared because I need to copyright the stuff before I share it. So I was wondering... Do I put it on here, or put it on another blog all together? One dedicated solely to poetry that I have written, so that I can stop holding onto them if someone else can enjoy them?

I know I probably shouldn't worry about it, but I can't help it. I just get on an idea, and can't let go. So I am asking what I should do. I don't know. Please let me know what YOU think of this idea. I have a name for it, and all that stuff. It's kind of something I was playing with when I thought I was going to publish it in a book, but books are hard to publish.

Here is an example of what I want to put up, in case you are wondering.

My Sister

There are many people in my life who have been there for me.
No matter what the pain and strife, beside me is where they will be.
But there is one person I know and love
That must have been sent from up above.
She is strong, beautiful and wise.
She is everything I wish I could be in my eyes.
She is strong and beautiful enough to endure her pains and ills.
She amazes me with her courage and will.
A sister's love you can't deny.
It's in every look, every giggle and sigh.
They silently suffer and hold in the pain.
When my sister cries it is silent like the rain.
She is everything I want to be.
She is such a wonderful example for me.
I am grateful for my sister,
I will tell her no lies.
And no matter what happens,
She is a hero in my eyes.

Copyright ©2008

Wow... What a day!

The kids, bless them, were not bad. They just have a ton of energy. I can't keep up with them! And they started to play together which was cute, but then they get too much energy and then they get fighting... Oh boy!

I know that they aren't always this way, and the crazy thing is that even with the anger, the fighting, and the temper tantrums, I can't WAIT to have kids! Because as weird as it is... This makes it all the more sweet. I am excited. I know, I know... I'm psychotic. But I can't wait to be so worn out from all the stuff my kids put me through, and ready to pass them off to my mom for some peace and quiet. I can't wait to have them period.

Good or bad, happy or sad. They will be mine. And I can't wait for the time that happens. So while the kids are not happy, fighting, and splashing each other in the bathtub, I will love every single moment of it. Because it is making me a stronger person, better aunt and will someday make me a better mother.

Another week... Here we go.

Another week has started, and I don't know how much work I am going to have. Again. I get really tired of not knowing how much I will be working or if I will be working at all. I WOULD LOVE to have a set schedule. I would love to be able to say "Yes, I am working these days and these times." But right now that is not my life. My life is an On Call life. They call me when they need me to work. I go in when they ask. I get tired of it.

I have 3 jobs, all which have me on call. The Day Spa has been wonderful. They have been getting me in and getting me working. Lane Bryant, not so wonderful. I am working ON CALL this week, meaning that I may be working 2 days, but I may not. I am starting at the School district soon, which is the 3rd job. Not the easiest thing in the world, but it's money and that's something I need. I need to be able to make bills and not feel so worried about if there is enough to pay the bill, gas, and tithing. Tithing comes out first, and it worries me that I will have enough for the rest of the stuff that I have to pay.

The solution to that? Pay off what bills I can, get in school so the student loans are on hold again, and as soon as I can, get the cards paid off and CLOSED!! I only have 1 card I am paying on, so that's not so bad. This is why I don't own a credit card! I only want to have bills that are ESSENTIAL to living, like a car, insurance, and school. And a cell phone. VERY essential!!

My life won't always be so up in the air, and I am looking forward to the time when I can hold my head up, being debt free, and stable. I will get there, it is just going to take a bit.

Tonight and TIRED

Funny things come out when you are tired. Like the following:

1) I am really tired of working, and want to just do nothing.
2) I really like working, but I hate the money that is needed.
3) I like money, I hate that we need it to survive! That's what I hate!!
4) I get really funny when I am tired, and nothing makes sense.
5) I don't like not getting what I want. It makes me annoyed.
6) I am not such a pleasant person to be around when I am annoyed.
7) I have to be patient, maybe that's why I am not getting what I want.
8) I like the color blue.
9) Wow, that was random.
10) My feet are big, maybe that helps me to not fall over.
11) I don't breathe very loudly at all!!
12) Why am I thinking about my breathing?
13) The dogs are loud. Why isn't there a mute button for animals at night?
14) They should make a mute button, or better.. A universal remote. Like in Click.
15) No wait, that's not such a good idea...
16) I don't like to watch the news, it's depressing.
17) I should PROBABLY stop fighting my eyes from closing.
18) If I'm sleeping, I can't type. That may be good.
19) I LOVE MY FAMILY!!!
20) Clothes are weird, who came up with them? Oh ya! God in the garden of Eden.
21) Boys are really cute, but MEN are hot!!
22) I am going to stop while I am behind.
23) Last, looking for the sign up for the single return missionaries who are not afraid of commitment, a strong willed woman with a mind of her own, a heart of gold, cuddly, and a push over until you push the wrong button. Than watch out. Hey, I did say I was a woman right?

I really am going to go to bed, but I will say this.

I am glad I am me. No matter what I have to go through, no matter how much I hate that I don't have a family of my own and that I am excited to further my career.... I am happy that I am who I am. I am a powerful, strong, and independent woman. I have a mind of my own, and I am not afraid to stand up for what I see is right. I am grateful for the family that I have, as they are my rock and anchor. I am grateful for the Church Of Jesus Christ Of Latter Day Saints, it really has molded me into whom I am. I am also grateful to not be shiftless in this life, looking for my purpose.

I am grateful that I am fluffy. Full Figured. Extra squishy. Whatever you want to call it. It made me realize that while I may not look like a skinny super model, and there are things I don't like about myself (trust me, I can list off a WHOLE bunch of things) this life is much too short to agonize over if I am a size 2 or a 20. I would rather live my life with no regrets and be whom I am than worry about what some Joe down the street thinks about me. The Lord is the only one that matters. Someday someone else will see that too, and we will be best friends for that reason. And someday we will be more than best friends.

But for now... I am happy and not waiting. I am working and working on furthering my career. I am going to go into a field that fascinates me and see if I can do that with a family. Everything I do is centered on having a family someday, and that makes me happy. I want to be able to hold my head up high and be proud of who I am and what I have done with my life.

And so far.... I can do that.