Sunshine's Space

Today was kind of weird. I can't believe all the emotions that are rolling through me right now. I have confusion because I don't know when I should call someone or even if I should try. I have anxiety because I don't know if a certain someone feels the same way as I feel about them. I have giddiness because it may be something that works out, but if it doesn't I have opened up which hasn't happened for a LONG time. I also have sadness, because I live so far away from my family and want to be with them more than anything. The future is unclear, and that scares me more than people can know. I like to be in control. I like to know what is going to happen.
I like to say "This is how my future will turn out" and see it happen. But the more I go, the more I realize that I have ABSOLUTELY no control over what is going to happen, or when.

I want more than anything to be able to move on with my life, and feel like I have a purpose besides just helping people to get rid of pain. I want to be able to hold my child in my arms, and I want to be able to see them grow. I want to be able to have someone who is there with me, who will hold me when I am sad and comfort me. I need someone who is able to make me laugh when I am mad, make me calm down when I am uptight, and who can keep me sane. I have a tendancy to be high strung, and kind of excitable. I won't lie, I like my life to be a little nuts because then I can't concentrate on how lonely I feel.

Lonliness has to be the worst thing in the world. It can poison you and make you feel like nothing. It's horrible.

I won't let it poison me, I ignore it. Or just avoid it. I try to surround myself with people so I don't have time to feel lonely. But sometimes you find, that is when you are the MOST lonely.

I look forward to the time where I can have all my dreams come true, but until then I will focus on now. I won't look at my future, for it's such a fluid concept and changes with every decision that is made that it's not stable until it happens.

I look forward to now, to what I know is definite. My family loves me and wants what's best for me. I love them with all my heart.

I KNOW the gospel is true. I have a STRONG testimony of this. I will not fail, I will not stop. And I will not let my Savior down.