Valentines day

With Valentines Day coming closer and closer, it really makes me stop and think about what I have and don't have in my life. I have a wonderful family whom I love and adore. I have wonderful friends who make my life better by being a part of it.

I can sit here and mope and complain about how there is no one special in my life, and about how much Valentines Day makes me realize just how single I am. Trust me, I SO could do that. I have done that for about 7 years as I lived in Utah, but that was because I was truly alone.

I didn't have my family around, my friends would all have dates, and I would have to spend the day as a scrooge. I absolutely HATED Valentines day. I would boycott it and watch movies where one or both of the people in it died and there wasn't a happy ending. And I would LAUGH at them. I was really bad! I called it the Singles Awareness Day because it made me aware JUST how single I was.

The last year was bad because one of my best friends (whom I was living with at the time) had just broken up with her fiance like 5 days before Valentines Day. Then, 3 days later, she was dating someone else. He brought her cards proclaiming love for her, flowers, chocolate covered strawberries, and would be all lovey dovey mushy gross, after knowing her for 2 days!!! 2 DAYS!!!! COME ON!!! I don't personally think that's enough time to get to know someone, you need more than that to know if you truly love them or just lust them.... But that's not the point.
It was very hard for me, seeing what I wanted so badly and not having it.

So I ran away. Literally. I went to a friends house, and didn't come home until they were gone. I left before they got back and went to someone elses house and spent the night there. I had a night planned to watch movies with my friend, have sparkling cider and toast being single. That didn't work out, so I did it by myself. (I am not telling you this for you to feel sorry for me, I am just explaining part of why I hated the holiday so much.) I had to endure the kissing in the kitchen, being trapped in the bedroom because it was more of a studio layout, but there was a separate kitchen, bathroom, living room, and bedroom. It was just one straight shot, and you couldn't get out of there unless you were in the living room.

So when she got married to him 6 weeks later, it was a shock. But it made her happy, and it allowed me to not worry so much for her. But by that time, I was completely done with all of it. The whole Valentines stuff was wasted on me. I don't like it at all, and that completely cemented it for me.

I watched my friend whom was single for 3 days before guys were banging down her door to date her. She has been through 3 other engagements before she eloped with her husband. She finally found the right one, and I am happy for her.

It's just hard for someone when they have had no serious relationships to watch someone throw them away and pick up another one like I would pick up a movie at the video store. It makes you sit and wonder what it is about you that kept you single for so long, and is keeping you single.
It makes you question if it is something physical you are doing, like you are not pretty enough, or if it is just your size, which you have struggled with loving your whole life and can't seem to get down.

It seemed like about the time I loved myself, really truly loved myself, I had to go through this whole fiasco. I was glad to be single at the time, I was grateful to have time for myself, and not have to worry about what someone else was doing. And then everything I wanted SO desperately was shoved in my face and I could see it but I couldn't have it.

So I am grateful this Valentines day to be living with my sister and her family. While I may be single, I will not be alone. I have 3 little kids whom I love and I know love me in return. I have a sister and brother-in-law whom are wonderful. I have my mother, father, and brothers here. While I may not have a huge circle of friends, I do have loyal friends. That's what matters to me. While some friends may be states away, they are close in my heart.

Valentines Day can come, I don't care. I get to work all day, and come home and enjoy what it should be all about. Unconditional love. And I don't need a boyfriend for that right now. I have my family. That makes me content. (But if you know anyone whom is looking..... Hook a sister up!!! :D)

25 random facts about me.

1. I can listen to a song about 4 times and have it memorized, if I listen to the lyrics. It's really annoying, because sometimes I hear a song ONCE and if I REALLY don't want to have it memorized, it is in my head for good.

2. I hate to move. I have moved a lot, and I absolutely hate it.

3. I am terrified of falling from Heights. I won't go up ladders, I won't stand too close to the edge of anything.

4. I have an overactive imagination that drives me crazy. I can't go out to the car at night without worrying about something getting me.

5. I would LOVE to have a family of my own, despite living with 3 kids under 5. My sister is a angel to let me move in with her.

6. I have to eat candy in 2's. Like skittles, M&M's, etc.

7. I hate raisins!!!

8. I don't like to drive. At all. I am terrified of getting into an accident.

9. I don't pay full price for anything. I will ONLY buy it on sale.

10. I absolutely love Teen Pop music. You don't really have to worry about the lyrics, they don't curse.

11. I am very shy lately. I push myself to be extroverted all the time and it's driving me bonkers.

12. I almost served a mission for my church, the papers were returned. It was difficult, but it was important.

13. I am a severe pyromaniac. I absolutely am hypnotized by fire, but I would never set them.

14. I absolutely love flowers. Almost all types. Roses are my favorite, then Gardenias, daisies of ALL Types, and daffodils.

15. I am allergic to a ton of stuff. Medications, Echinacia, Golden Root, even Grass when it's fresh cut and clay mud.

16. I absolutely love to watch Music Videos. I need to see the story behind the song or I don't like the song.

17. I don't like to sing where people can hear me. I try to sing quietly in Church.

18. I am addicted to movies.

19. I absolutely LOVE the stars. My dream date is stargazing, in the summer, where it's completely dark around so you can see for miles and miles with a blanket to lay on and wonderful conversation.

20. I have never traveled outside the United States.

21. I have only traveled through 9 states that I can remember.

22. I am really thoughtful, so if I don't speak up when someone asks a question it's because I am contemplating it. By the time that they move on, I have an answer for the question but stay quiet because they have moved on.

23. I have a hard time not trusting people when I first meet them, so if I seem a little stand-offish it's because I have to be careful and feel out if I should trust them or not. I trust people too quickly, and that is both a good thing and a bad thing.

24. I love to read.

25. I remember the theme songs, and the names of the villains of the good cartoons from when I was growing up. Darkwing Duck, Tale Spin, Chip N Dale Rescue Rangers, the ones you ran home from school and were SO excited to watch. Remember TGIF? And Disney's Afternoon cartoons on regular TV?

I Hate money

I hate it with a passion. I have been putting off licensing for the state of California because of money. It costs almost as much as a car payment to get everything done, and my boss came to me tonight and said that she didn't know how much longer I can work with my spa until I get the licensing done. A lot of the people that work with the city are getting e-mails for our special on Valentines day, and since I don't have the license yet it is going to cause some problems. So what do you do?

You pound the pavement, looking for ANY opportunity to raise money so you can make the amount needed to get the stupid licensing done. It's going to be in total about 215 dollars. On top of this, she also said that she wants to bring me on FULL TIME. I am only working ON CALL right now, so that would be a HUGE improvement. I can't let that go. So I have to do anything to get some money.

Please pray for me. I have one client confirmed for tomorrow, so that helps. Just pray for me. VERY hard. Please pray for me.

Epiphany

I was driving home from Volleyball last night, listening to my music and a song came on that I totally understood how she felt when she wrote it. She is screaming to be heard, wanting someone to hold her. She's tired of being alone, and she's tired of not having someone in her life, so she is crying out for someone to come and rescue her from being single.

I have been in that place. I have been where I have been screaming inside for someone to rescue me from being single. I have been where I feel like just another face in the crowd. I have been where it seems like I am just begging for someone to be there, and feeling like no one is.

And that's when I realized JUST how grateful I am for this gospel. It doesn't matter how alone I feel, or how loudly I feel like I am screaming. I am NEVER alone in the crowd. I am never someone who has nobody there. While I physically am not able to get a hug from Heavenly Father, I can feel his love for me. I know that he is there for me. I also know that my family is there for me, and I love that.

I never have to worry about not having someone in my life. I have had moments where I was so physically alone that I was crying in my apartment. I asked Heavenly Father to help me, and the tears stopped, and I felt peace and love. I have had it happen so many times where I felt protected and loved that I wonder how people are able to go through their lives without knowing that the Lord is personally aware of what we go through, and loves us. He protects us when he can. He is happy for us, and sad when we hurt.

When we make decisions, he allows us the consequences. Good or bad, we have to accept the consequences for what we did, and that never changes. To have this knowledge made me very blessed, and very grateful.

I love the Gospel, I am grateful to be a member of the Church Of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints and hope that I am able to share that love with other people.

While I may understand where the artist was when she wrote her song, I couldn't help but feel sad for her and her lonliness. The Lord is out there, he is waiting for us to come to him. He has his hands out, waiting for us to take them. I am grateful for the opportunity to not have that sorrow in my life, and am anxiously awaiting the time where I have a true love of my own.

Catching Up

Things have been so crazy lately, I feel like I have some Catching up to do. So, here is a start. I am sitting at my sisters computer, thinking about all that has happened and realizing some pretty important things. For Example:

If someone REALLY is interested in you than they return phone calls, or at least are semi-interested in talking to you. If someone finds excuses to get off the phone and not do things with you, odds are that they are not interested.

If you feel that this is where you belong, you don't question it. It may be that you are just too stubborn for your own good, and while you have been banged over the head and KNOW that this is right to be here, you keep asking. So it's time to stop asking and start moving.

If you get bored, you are doing something wrong. It is especially true if you are bored doing the same things you have done for the last 6 months and nothing you do helps it. You need to get moving again, and start doing more.

More to come, better help with some kids.... Or at least look like I'm helping.

Christmas

I am very grateful for family now more than ever. I went with my parents to visit my great-grandmother in Glendora, and realized just how blessed I am. She is 90 years old, and still alive. She cried when we left, and that made me want to run back, throw my arms around her and tell her that I LOVE her. No matter what, I will always love her.

She has, as she puts it, no friends that are still alive.

I have a lot of friends that are alive, that made me want to get in touch with them better.

She has no sense of smell anymore, so she can't taste much of the food she eats.

I can smell everything, sometimes unfortunately. That made me want to enjoy the ability to taste more.

She hates Christmas because she has never felt more alone, and it reminds her of how lonely she is.

I love Christmas because I am surrounded by loved ones, and reminds me of how loved I am.

This Christmas really made me sit back and appreciate the big and little things in my life. I am SO incredibly grateful for the gospel. The Church Of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints has made me the woman I am today. The experiences I have been through, and knowing that the Lord is helping me through it has made me rejoice in my life, and look forward to the future. I know what my path is, and I am incredibly grateful for that. I know that Christ was born. He Lives. He died for us, but he lives still. He was resurrected. He suffered for all our sins, but He does care for us, and want us to be happy. He wants us to return to his presence. He loves us more than I can comprehend.

This Christmas season I am trying to really evaluate the important gifts in my life, and let go of the menial, the trivial, and the petty. I am grateful for family, the Gospel, the Lord, and the trials in my life. They are making me stronger. I am grateful that the best is yet to come. I still have a LONG life ahead of me, and I am going to strive every single day to keep working harder, visit my friends and family more, and love with everything in me. I want to live my life so that when I am 90, with my friends and family gone I can look back and be joyful of the life I lived like my Great-Grandmother does. She is a remarkable woman. She helps me to remember to LIVE, not survive.

It SNOWED!!! AND A LOT TOO!!!

I have pictures on Facebook, but for those whom don't have access to it here are some to show you JUST how much we got. It's CRAZY!!! Now, this toy was in the back yard, and it was my gauge of how much we got. It has a LOT of snow on it, and if you notice it's still snowing.

This was last night, poor thing was buried. We got between 2 and 2 and 1/2 feet of snow yesterday.

Here is some pictures from this MORNING:We were playing in the snow with the kids, and here is some proof of that. It was SO much fun... Christina and I took a MILLION pictures.

Christina had to see how much snow was in the front, so she went out and stood in it. Look at how HIGH it goes on her.


Ariana LOVED the snow. She couldn't get enough of it. Playing and throwing it, she even ventured out into deep parts that no one walked in.


Camden didn't like the snow at all... He wanted to be held. He did NOT want to play in it.


Alex was having fun too. He was a fan of the snow, wanted to throw it at people mostly. He also wanted to stay on the porch, where it wasn't that deep.

Ray had the most fun. He knocked Christina over a few times. That's what husbands are for, right?