Tonight was a good night. I was able to go down and see an elder that served in our area for 9 months at his farewell from our area. He is such a nice guy, and like a little brother to me. I was glad that we were able to be there for him, and show him our love and support and congratulate him on being able to go home. There was a fun little thing that happened, there was a group of people that was outside the doors, all elders in their jackets and name tags. I was looking for a couple who was coming down, and I was saving them a seat when I saw the elders. SO I smiled at one of them. Tall, cute, blonde, and I was happy that he was "going home" as I assumed that all the Elders out there were going to be leaving Tuesday.
Imagine my surprise when I was sitting there with my family, and this Elder I smiled at comes over, shakes my hand, and asks me which elder we are there to say goodbye to. That was how I found out that he is STILL on a mission, not going home. Still cute but..... You know... Found out that he was from Provo, and that he had never heard of our area. I told him he needed to talk to Elder Nielsen about how well we feed the missionaries, and how we are a wonderful area. It was great to smile and talk to him (AKA: Flirt) and just feel very attractive. I had never had it happen where I smiled at someone, and off that smile they came over to talk to me. It really makes you feel better about yourself when this happens to you.
So, this is just capping off a really fun weekend. On Friday, I went dancing. I haven't done that for a while, I haven't been able to afford to and there weren't any dances out here. So we had a large group of girls come with me, and we all got dolled up. I even went so far as to have fake eyelashes and smokey eyes. I was not shy, and had a sparkly top. The only thing that bummed me out was that I couldn't fit my formal dress, it was just a little too tight in the tummy and I didn't want the material shredding on me or having to fidget with the dress and adjust it all night. So, we get there and it's very nicely decorated. The only issue I am having is that I am not feeling it all of a sudden. I just didn't want to be there after about 5 minutes. It wasn't because of the people I was with, I think it was because of the people that I wasn't with. My best friends couldn't be there, and my girls are either married or moved that I usually hit these scenes with. So I had some other girls come with me, and I didn't know how much dancing they were going to do or if they even wanted to dance. For me, it's all about dancing with your friends. Feeling confident and comfortable, enjoying the music and feeling the joy of what is around you.
So the music is going on during the dinner, we are enjoying the music and the conversation isn't that bad.... But we all get done and I am looking around and it is a very small turn out. I would have thought since they were feeding everyone that more people would have come... Apparently not. But than again, this is the High Desert. You can't really count on anyone to do anything.
They planned on having the dinner portion for about an hour and a half, and I was getting bored so I took out the yarn and the hat I was crocheting since I knew that it may happen and I needed to keep my hands busy. (It's a job hazard, from Massage Therapy I think..) So I was sitting there crocheting, and was content, and thinking about leaving before it even started. As sad as it was, I didn't want to be there because I was feeling under-dressed as everyone else there was in their formal wear and I was in church clothes. It also was hard because I am so much older than everyone else there, so I started to feel like I was babysitting everyone. So instead, I grabbed my camera and started to take a few shots of everyone dancing and waited for the music to get good. There was one song that we danced to (We Are Never Ever Getting Back Together) and that was before the dance proper started.
So once the dance started, we were able to get our groove on, and it ended up being a blast. I had to let go, I had to stop holding myself back, and I had to allow myself to have fun. It was an amazing feeling to allow myself to have the freedom to be confident and just enjoy the time. There was one point where I was singing along to the song, looking at the girls around me, and I honestly felt that this was the happiest I had been in the longest time. I was grateful that the girls came, and that we were able to come out with me.
I was able to see old friends, get some great pictures, and spend time with those who matter most to me. We stayed until about 11:15, but by then my feet started to swell a little, and my hips and legs were burning form all the dancing (best workout EVER) and I was tired. So instead, we went to Wal-Mart at 11:30. Yup, we decided we wanted Chocolate. Dressed in Formal and Church Dress, at Wal-Mart at 11:30 in Hesperia California. Yeah... the poor workers. We were also incredibly hyper. Four girls. Just imagine... 3 of them are in heels that are insane. I was in boots. :) I wasn't so silly. So we are walking around, grabbing our Chocolate and singing and laughing. And some dancing as well. :) We even were asked why we were so dressed up by a stock person. It was funny to see the looks they were giving us.
I got home and to bed by 1. Than I had this tonight, and I was able to put on pants that are 5 sizes smaller than I used to have to buy. That's right. FIVE SIZES SMALLER!! I used to wear a REALLY large size, but they had them in my style and this size I thought I would try for kicks and giggles. They fit like a GLOVE. So of course I HAD to get them. This has been the best weekend I have had in a long time.
And this is why the little things in life make me smile. :)
Sunday, January 13, 2013
Wednesday, January 9, 2013
Another day, another battle
Telling yourself you are going through a lifestyle change is hard, but I think saying you are on a diet would be a lot harder. It's easier to say you are going off a diet, it is also easier to cheat yourself when you are on a diet.
I am having a lifestyle change, and while it is hard, it is something that I had to do. I feel more confident than I did before, and while I can't see immediate changes, I will say that I am seeing a change in my pants. I was pushing a really large size, and recently was able to fit into pants that are 3 sizes smaller than the pants I was fitting in before. Of course, this depends on the pant itself, and the cut of the pants.
Jeans are a little harder to squeeze into, there is not as much give as slacks. That can be a little depressing, however when you see your pants going down and your tops are going slower. It's like "Can't you go down together? Why is it just loosing on the bottom???" I will say that I am fitting better in my clothes, and tops that used to be super tight are now fitting better. However, it is annoying that while my clothes are fitting better, I am still not at the size that I would like to be.
However, when I look back I am glad for where I am. I am a lot more healthy now than I was. And while working yesterday and today at the High School and walking around for 3 1/2 hours each time isn't ideal, it did allow me to walk off most of what I ate during the day. It was crazy to stand there, in the cold at 6:30 in the morning and watch the sun rise, but it was beautiful.
I don't regret my decision, it's just a lot more work than I am used to. And I hope to be able to keep this going. I weigh myself tomorrow morning, and I have currently lost 43 lbs. I will hopefully go down, but sometimes I go up and that's OK. Sometimes you have to go up before you drop again.
I am grateful that my mom is doing this, because this is allowing me to take the control I need to have in my life. This was me before I started this whole thing...
This is me now. I will add more as they come up. I think my face looks a bit smaller, but that could just be me. :) Here's to more weight coming off, and more joy in who I am.
I am having a lifestyle change, and while it is hard, it is something that I had to do. I feel more confident than I did before, and while I can't see immediate changes, I will say that I am seeing a change in my pants. I was pushing a really large size, and recently was able to fit into pants that are 3 sizes smaller than the pants I was fitting in before. Of course, this depends on the pant itself, and the cut of the pants.
Jeans are a little harder to squeeze into, there is not as much give as slacks. That can be a little depressing, however when you see your pants going down and your tops are going slower. It's like "Can't you go down together? Why is it just loosing on the bottom???" I will say that I am fitting better in my clothes, and tops that used to be super tight are now fitting better. However, it is annoying that while my clothes are fitting better, I am still not at the size that I would like to be.
However, when I look back I am glad for where I am. I am a lot more healthy now than I was. And while working yesterday and today at the High School and walking around for 3 1/2 hours each time isn't ideal, it did allow me to walk off most of what I ate during the day. It was crazy to stand there, in the cold at 6:30 in the morning and watch the sun rise, but it was beautiful.
I don't regret my decision, it's just a lot more work than I am used to. And I hope to be able to keep this going. I weigh myself tomorrow morning, and I have currently lost 43 lbs. I will hopefully go down, but sometimes I go up and that's OK. Sometimes you have to go up before you drop again.
Sunday, January 6, 2013
A mostly hard day
Today was kind of hard to be honest. For some reason, I just wanted to keep eating today. I wanted to eat more Oreo's than I should. I wanted to eat more candy than I should. I wanted to just keep eating. I wasn't satisfied, but I wasn't hungry. I had the desire to just keep going, and I hate it. I hate that I have that fat person still inside me, whispering that the amount I am eating isn't enough. I hate that it's still telling me to eat more, and to blow off all this hard work that I had done to this point.
I will continue to fight that desire, and that urge. But I don't want to keep fighting this urge, I need to figure out how to stop it. There is something that is triggering that desire, and I need to figure out what it is. I know I crave Chocolate at certain times, and I know that I can sometimes crave the motion of eating. That's where gum really comes in handy. However, I also know that I don't need to eat everything I can get my hands on. I need to control my emotions, and to keep myself from destroying myself.
I did eat, and I did stop myself. I didn't eat more Oreo's than I should, but I did have 1 more than I should. I had 2 servings of Mini Chewy Sweettarts, and I had gum. Lots of gum. I stopped myself before I was too bad, but it was HARD. Insanely hard. And I hope to keep my resolve strong.
I will continue to fight that desire, and that urge. But I don't want to keep fighting this urge, I need to figure out how to stop it. There is something that is triggering that desire, and I need to figure out what it is. I know I crave Chocolate at certain times, and I know that I can sometimes crave the motion of eating. That's where gum really comes in handy. However, I also know that I don't need to eat everything I can get my hands on. I need to control my emotions, and to keep myself from destroying myself.
I did eat, and I did stop myself. I didn't eat more Oreo's than I should, but I did have 1 more than I should. I had 2 servings of Mini Chewy Sweettarts, and I had gum. Lots of gum. I stopped myself before I was too bad, but it was HARD. Insanely hard. And I hope to keep my resolve strong.
Friday, January 4, 2013
Times are changing, and so is my pant size!
I will admit, that this has been a long time coming. I have had thoughts that I needed to work on myself to make myself more healthy. I have felt that I needed to start to exercise, and that I needed to be more careful. I tried to adjust what I was eating, and thought I was doing OK. I had a friend who wanted to do a food journal with me, and we both never did a thing about it. We kept thinking we were OK, and we could do what we wanted.
Well, my mother decided to start with a weight loss program, and I felt that she needed the support. Therefore, I decided to support my mother and do it with her. I didn't know if my father would give her the support she needed and I knew I had to do something to help to save my life.
So I started on my "Lifestyle change" and went on Pinterest to figure out just how many points I could do, and what I was going to be doing with my life. I was like "Oh, this is going to be SO easy!! I can do this, it's not going to be much of a change."
Little did I know, just how much I was going to change. I had to measure EVERYTHING. I had to write down every single LITTLE thing that I put into my mouth. I had to watch how much sugar I ate, and how much exercise I had. I thought it was STUPID and I couldn't understand exactly what I was doing and why I was doing this. I didn't even weigh myself to start, as I was terrified to get on that scale and see what the number was that was looking up at me. I was in denial, and I was terrified because I kept telling myself "I don't look that bad... I am not THAT heavy."
I did this for a week, and it was hard. It was the most hard thing I had to do, to deny all my cravings, to deny all my desires, and to tell myself that the small portions would be enough for me to do. I told myself that I was full, regardless of the fact that my brain was screaming at me that I was insane to eat so little. I had went from these MASSIVE plates to these small plates, measuring a half a cup of potatoes or a cup of cereal. I went from eating whatever I wanted to eating more fruits, more salads, vegetables, and washing off my fruit when it came from the can.
By the time this week was over, and I had denied any soda, any chocolate, any junk food and was CRAZY about eating just fruits and vegetables, some eggs, and measuring everything. I will be honest, I don't know how much I weighed when I started, but to get on the scale and see the numbers looking back up at me, I wanted to cry. I had let myself get to the point where I knew I was unattractive.
I let myself get to a point that I didn't even love myself. I punished myself with food, with chocolate, and withheld love from myself. I was not happy, I was devastated to see the person who was staring back at me. I didn't realize until that moment just what I had done to myself, and just how much I was punishing myself for what I believed I had done in my past.
However, this was when I took control. I had to realize I wasn't that person anymore, I wasn't that person that needed to turn to food to feel love. I didn't need to be that person anymore, I needed to change and this was the first step in changing that. I needed to allow myself to be loved, and stop punishing myself.
I was punishing myself for what happened in the past. I had allowed myself to fall hard for some guys, and they didn't reciprocate that feeling.
I had one guy that I fell for hard, and I know that he did care about me like that, but his friends got to him and changed his mind. When someone tells you they love you, and than take it back it does something to you. It makes you question EVERYTHING that you thought or saw with what he did, said, or how he treated you. I also had to realize I didn't want a guy that was so wishy washy. I wanted him to stand up for me, and he didn't. So I punished myself for feeling that way about him... and that was wrong. I have come to terms that I did that to myself, and I am working past it.
I am turning away from food, and working on myself more and more now than ever. It's amazing to see the pant sizes going DOWN instead of going up. I have currently lost 43 lbs, including Christmas. The amazing thing is that I was able to go through Thanksgiving and loose 2 lbs, and than go through Christmas (and all the cookies and fudge and goodies) and not gain a pound. I have learned that I need to moderate everything. I need to take control of my life, and not let food control me. I need to be more of who I am and stop being the victim.
I have been a victim for so long, a victim of food. I will no longer be that victim. I stop eating when I am full. I will not clear my plate. I will not take more than I need to take. I will not snack all day long, and I will not eat more sugar than I need to.
I am going to keep going on my journey, and I have a long way to go. I didn't end up loosing the 50 I wanted to by Christmas, but I was able to loose 42 lbs. I have lost 3 pant sizes for my slacks. I am more confident, and I am going to keep going. I want to be able to say by the summer that I have lost 100 lbs. I don't know if I will be at that point, but that is OK. I will be working my absolute hardest to make myself feel the confidence I deserve to feel. I will also be working on allowing myself to feel the love I deserve.
I am really good at giving, I am just not as good at receiving. And that's something else I am going to work on.
It's a new year, and I have to work on me. So that's what I am going to do.
Well, my mother decided to start with a weight loss program, and I felt that she needed the support. Therefore, I decided to support my mother and do it with her. I didn't know if my father would give her the support she needed and I knew I had to do something to help to save my life.
So I started on my "Lifestyle change" and went on Pinterest to figure out just how many points I could do, and what I was going to be doing with my life. I was like "Oh, this is going to be SO easy!! I can do this, it's not going to be much of a change."
Little did I know, just how much I was going to change. I had to measure EVERYTHING. I had to write down every single LITTLE thing that I put into my mouth. I had to watch how much sugar I ate, and how much exercise I had. I thought it was STUPID and I couldn't understand exactly what I was doing and why I was doing this. I didn't even weigh myself to start, as I was terrified to get on that scale and see what the number was that was looking up at me. I was in denial, and I was terrified because I kept telling myself "I don't look that bad... I am not THAT heavy."
I did this for a week, and it was hard. It was the most hard thing I had to do, to deny all my cravings, to deny all my desires, and to tell myself that the small portions would be enough for me to do. I told myself that I was full, regardless of the fact that my brain was screaming at me that I was insane to eat so little. I had went from these MASSIVE plates to these small plates, measuring a half a cup of potatoes or a cup of cereal. I went from eating whatever I wanted to eating more fruits, more salads, vegetables, and washing off my fruit when it came from the can.
By the time this week was over, and I had denied any soda, any chocolate, any junk food and was CRAZY about eating just fruits and vegetables, some eggs, and measuring everything. I will be honest, I don't know how much I weighed when I started, but to get on the scale and see the numbers looking back up at me, I wanted to cry. I had let myself get to the point where I knew I was unattractive.
I let myself get to a point that I didn't even love myself. I punished myself with food, with chocolate, and withheld love from myself. I was not happy, I was devastated to see the person who was staring back at me. I didn't realize until that moment just what I had done to myself, and just how much I was punishing myself for what I believed I had done in my past.
However, this was when I took control. I had to realize I wasn't that person anymore, I wasn't that person that needed to turn to food to feel love. I didn't need to be that person anymore, I needed to change and this was the first step in changing that. I needed to allow myself to be loved, and stop punishing myself.
I was punishing myself for what happened in the past. I had allowed myself to fall hard for some guys, and they didn't reciprocate that feeling.
I had one guy that I fell for hard, and I know that he did care about me like that, but his friends got to him and changed his mind. When someone tells you they love you, and than take it back it does something to you. It makes you question EVERYTHING that you thought or saw with what he did, said, or how he treated you. I also had to realize I didn't want a guy that was so wishy washy. I wanted him to stand up for me, and he didn't. So I punished myself for feeling that way about him... and that was wrong. I have come to terms that I did that to myself, and I am working past it.
I am turning away from food, and working on myself more and more now than ever. It's amazing to see the pant sizes going DOWN instead of going up. I have currently lost 43 lbs, including Christmas. The amazing thing is that I was able to go through Thanksgiving and loose 2 lbs, and than go through Christmas (and all the cookies and fudge and goodies) and not gain a pound. I have learned that I need to moderate everything. I need to take control of my life, and not let food control me. I need to be more of who I am and stop being the victim.
I have been a victim for so long, a victim of food. I will no longer be that victim. I stop eating when I am full. I will not clear my plate. I will not take more than I need to take. I will not snack all day long, and I will not eat more sugar than I need to.
I am going to keep going on my journey, and I have a long way to go. I didn't end up loosing the 50 I wanted to by Christmas, but I was able to loose 42 lbs. I have lost 3 pant sizes for my slacks. I am more confident, and I am going to keep going. I want to be able to say by the summer that I have lost 100 lbs. I don't know if I will be at that point, but that is OK. I will be working my absolute hardest to make myself feel the confidence I deserve to feel. I will also be working on allowing myself to feel the love I deserve.
I am really good at giving, I am just not as good at receiving. And that's something else I am going to work on.
It's a new year, and I have to work on me. So that's what I am going to do.
Saturday, February 11, 2012
Been a while...
I know, it has been a while since I have put anything up and I have made a lot of changes.
I am back in school, going for my Nursing degree and I am very excited about it. I have completed one semester in College now towards it, and I look forward to getting more done.
I am learning how to sew now, I didn't do anything easy either. I have started to sew a costume for the Rennisaunce Pleasure Faire, and I am shocked at how much work goes into the costume.
My sister has 3 beautiful kids that I LOVE to pamper and shower with gifts when possible.
I have also worked through 2 salons in the area, one of which has closed now. It was crazy how that one just shut the doors, and that was it. I am still doing massage therapy but not as much any more. I am working with the school district now as a classified sub and working hard at trying to make everything work.
I will be more specific later, and try to update but I got on to update my profile for school, so now I am going to get back to it.
I am back in school, going for my Nursing degree and I am very excited about it. I have completed one semester in College now towards it, and I look forward to getting more done.
I am learning how to sew now, I didn't do anything easy either. I have started to sew a costume for the Rennisaunce Pleasure Faire, and I am shocked at how much work goes into the costume.
My sister has 3 beautiful kids that I LOVE to pamper and shower with gifts when possible.
I have also worked through 2 salons in the area, one of which has closed now. It was crazy how that one just shut the doors, and that was it. I am still doing massage therapy but not as much any more. I am working with the school district now as a classified sub and working hard at trying to make everything work.
I will be more specific later, and try to update but I got on to update my profile for school, so now I am going to get back to it.
Tuesday, September 8, 2009
I am SO happy!
So... You may be asking why I am so incredibly happy. It's not because I am in a relationship, it's better! I now am the official owner of a beautiful laptop! MY VERY OWN LAPTOP!!! So stinking excited! I have ALWAYS wanted one... and we found a great deal on one I fell in love with when I saw it at the store and after getting one that didn't want to work for me, I have a replacement and it works fantastically! Finally something that is all mine, that I don't have to worry about taking back to my dad's school or that it may crash or that there are lines through the screen because my brother was using it and it is very old....
I am so incredibly grateful for what I did have. Really truly grateful. I appreciate that I had a computer to use when mine decided to die on me, and I was grateful for the laptop that was Daniels to use until I got one of my own. And now I have one!
So yay! I totally have a laptop that I love, and can't wait to get everything all set up and pictures on it and everything.
And with work slowing down, it's going to be nice. It's only slow for a few minutes, it's going to get insane next week. Spa week, and 50 dollar swedish massages... That's going to make my life just hard. For a bit... and then hopefully it will all slow down a bit more. I don't mind working so hard, but I do mind working on Sunday. I have had to work for the last 2 sundays, and it will be nice to have a sunday off.
Speaking of Sundays, I also am now the new Sunday School Gospel Doctrine teacher. Terrible but I told some girls in my ward that if it weren't for my Relief Society Teacher calling, I wouldn't be coming to the ward and would have gone to my home ward instead. That same day I was called to the Sunday School. I think that I need to go to my singles ward.... maybe.
Well, I should go to bed. I am VERY tired. I worked hard today, and with all the drama of the laptop it's just draining. So good night to everyone, hope you are all doing well.
I am so incredibly grateful for what I did have. Really truly grateful. I appreciate that I had a computer to use when mine decided to die on me, and I was grateful for the laptop that was Daniels to use until I got one of my own. And now I have one!
So yay! I totally have a laptop that I love, and can't wait to get everything all set up and pictures on it and everything.
And with work slowing down, it's going to be nice. It's only slow for a few minutes, it's going to get insane next week. Spa week, and 50 dollar swedish massages... That's going to make my life just hard. For a bit... and then hopefully it will all slow down a bit more. I don't mind working so hard, but I do mind working on Sunday. I have had to work for the last 2 sundays, and it will be nice to have a sunday off.
Speaking of Sundays, I also am now the new Sunday School Gospel Doctrine teacher. Terrible but I told some girls in my ward that if it weren't for my Relief Society Teacher calling, I wouldn't be coming to the ward and would have gone to my home ward instead. That same day I was called to the Sunday School. I think that I need to go to my singles ward.... maybe.
Well, I should go to bed. I am VERY tired. I worked hard today, and with all the drama of the laptop it's just draining. So good night to everyone, hope you are all doing well.
Wednesday, August 12, 2009
It's been a long time.
SO I know it's been a while. I went to a YSA conference out here on Sunday, and it was reallly good. The speakers were great, I met a guy at the dance the night before and got his number... But he doesn't respond to texts very well. I don't want to be pushy, so I am going to wait for the weekend and see if anything. If not, than maybe a phone call.
The other thing I don't want to think about is someone that's talking to me online. He's a nice enough guy, but I am not interested in him romantically. We've been talking for about a month now, and I just don't like him THAT way, and he wants my number and e-mail... and I keep telling him what a great friend he is being to me. Guys don't get hints, but I don't want to hurt him. The one I am interested in isn't responding, the one that I am not interested in won't leave me alone. Story of my life, huh?
SO now I am sitting at my spa, trying to put both out of my head and waiting for the 1/2 hour facial turned HOUR to come out so I can do the half hour massage on her. Grr... I hate waiting. And then I don't have anyone else until 4:30 so yay! I'm not waiting forever, I need to get something to eat soon enough.... We'll see what happens. I will get on again later, just wanted to update everyone on what is going on.
The other thing I don't want to think about is someone that's talking to me online. He's a nice enough guy, but I am not interested in him romantically. We've been talking for about a month now, and I just don't like him THAT way, and he wants my number and e-mail... and I keep telling him what a great friend he is being to me. Guys don't get hints, but I don't want to hurt him. The one I am interested in isn't responding, the one that I am not interested in won't leave me alone. Story of my life, huh?
SO now I am sitting at my spa, trying to put both out of my head and waiting for the 1/2 hour facial turned HOUR to come out so I can do the half hour massage on her. Grr... I hate waiting. And then I don't have anyone else until 4:30 so yay! I'm not waiting forever, I need to get something to eat soon enough.... We'll see what happens. I will get on again later, just wanted to update everyone on what is going on.
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