Another day, another battle

Telling yourself you are going through a lifestyle change is hard, but I think saying you are on a diet would be a lot harder.  It's easier to say you are going off a diet, it is also easier to cheat yourself when you are on a diet.
I am having a lifestyle change, and while it is hard, it is something that I had to do. I feel more confident than I did before, and while I can't see immediate changes, I will say that I am seeing a change in my pants.  I was pushing a really large size, and recently was able to fit into pants that are 3 sizes smaller than the pants I was fitting in before.  Of course, this depends on the pant itself, and the cut of the pants.
Jeans are a little harder to squeeze into, there is not as much give as slacks.  That can be a little depressing, however when you see your pants going down and your tops are going slower. It's like "Can't you go down together?  Why is it just loosing on the bottom???"  I will say that I am fitting better in my clothes, and tops that used to be super tight are now fitting better.  However, it is annoying that while my clothes are fitting better, I am still not at the size that I would like to be.
However, when I look back I am glad for where I am.  I am a lot more healthy now than I was.  And while working yesterday and today at the High School and walking around for 3 1/2 hours each time isn't ideal, it did allow me to walk off most of what I ate during the day.  It was crazy to stand there, in the cold at 6:30 in the morning and watch the sun rise, but it was beautiful.
I don't regret my decision, it's just a lot more work than I am used to. And I hope to be able to keep this going.  I weigh myself tomorrow morning, and I have currently lost 43 lbs. I will hopefully go down, but sometimes I go up and that's OK. Sometimes you have to go up before you drop again.

I am grateful that my mom is doing this, because this is allowing me to take the control I need to have in my life. This was me before I started this whole thing...

This is me now.  I will add more as they come up.  I think my face looks a bit smaller, but that could just be me.  :) Here's to more weight coming off, and more joy in who I am.

A mostly hard day

Today was kind of hard to be honest. For some reason, I just wanted to keep eating today.  I wanted to eat more Oreo's than I should.  I wanted to eat more candy than I should.  I wanted to just keep eating. I wasn't satisfied, but I wasn't hungry.  I had the desire to just keep going, and I hate it. I hate that I have that fat person still inside me, whispering that the amount I am eating isn't enough.  I hate that it's still telling me to eat more, and to blow off all this hard work that I had done to this point.
I will continue to fight that desire, and that urge. But I don't want to keep fighting this urge, I need to figure out how to stop it. There is something that is triggering that desire, and I need to figure out what it is.  I know I crave Chocolate at certain times, and I know that I can sometimes crave the motion of eating. That's where gum really comes in handy.  However, I also know that I don't need to eat everything I can get my hands on.  I need to control my emotions, and to keep myself from destroying myself.
I did eat, and I did stop myself. I didn't eat more Oreo's than I should, but I did have 1 more than I should. I had 2 servings of Mini Chewy Sweettarts, and I had gum.  Lots of gum.  I stopped myself before I was too bad, but it was HARD.  Insanely hard. And I hope to keep my resolve strong.

Times are changing, and so is my pant size!

I will admit, that this has been a long time coming.  I have had thoughts that I needed to work on myself to make myself more healthy. I have felt that I needed to start to exercise, and that I needed to be more careful.  I tried to adjust what I was eating, and thought I was doing OK.  I had a friend who wanted to do a food journal with me, and we both never did a thing about it.  We kept thinking we were OK, and we could do what we wanted.
Well, my mother decided to start with a weight loss program, and I felt that she needed the support. Therefore, I decided to support my mother and do it with her.  I didn't know if my father would give her the support she needed and I knew I had to do something to help to save my life.
So I started on my "Lifestyle change" and went on Pinterest to figure out just how many points I could do, and what I was going to be doing with my life. I was like "Oh, this is going to be SO easy!!  I can do this, it's not going to be much of a change."
Little did I know, just how much I was going to change.  I had to measure EVERYTHING.  I had to write down every single LITTLE thing that I put into my mouth.  I had to watch how much sugar I ate, and how much exercise I had. I thought it was STUPID and I couldn't understand exactly what I was doing and why I was doing this.  I didn't even weigh myself to start, as I was terrified to get on that scale and see what the number was that was looking up at me. I was in denial, and I was terrified because I kept telling myself "I don't look that bad... I am not THAT heavy."
I did this for a week, and it was hard.  It was the most hard thing I had to do, to deny all my cravings, to deny all my desires, and to tell myself that the small portions would be enough for me to do.  I told myself that I was full, regardless of the fact that my brain was screaming at me that I was insane to eat so little. I had went from these MASSIVE plates to these small plates, measuring a half a cup of potatoes or a cup of cereal.  I went from eating whatever I wanted to eating more fruits, more salads, vegetables, and washing off my fruit when it came from the can.
By the time this week was over, and I had denied any soda, any chocolate, any junk food and was CRAZY about eating just fruits and vegetables, some eggs, and measuring everything.  I will be honest, I don't know how much I weighed when I started, but to get on the scale and see the numbers looking back up at me, I wanted to cry.  I had let myself get to the point where I knew I was unattractive.
I let myself get to a point that I didn't even love myself. I punished myself with food, with chocolate, and withheld love from myself.  I was not happy, I was devastated to see the person who was staring back at me.  I didn't realize until that moment just what I had done to myself, and just how much I was punishing myself for what I believed I had done in my past.
However, this was when I took control.  I had to realize I wasn't that person anymore, I wasn't that person that needed to turn to food to feel love.  I didn't need to be that person anymore, I needed to change and this was the first step in changing that.  I needed to allow myself to be loved, and stop punishing myself.
I was punishing myself for what happened in the past.  I had allowed myself to fall hard for some guys, and they didn't reciprocate that feeling.
I had one guy that I fell for hard, and I know that he did care about me like that, but his friends got to him and changed his mind.  When someone tells you they love you, and than take it back it does something to you.  It makes you question EVERYTHING that you thought or saw with what he did, said, or how he treated you.  I also had to realize I didn't want a guy that was so wishy washy. I wanted him to stand up for me, and he didn't. So I punished myself for feeling that way about him... and that was wrong. I have come to terms that I did that to myself, and I am working past it.
I am turning away from food, and working on myself more and more now than ever.  It's amazing to see the pant sizes going DOWN instead of going up.  I have currently lost 43 lbs, including Christmas.  The amazing thing is that I was able to go through Thanksgiving and loose 2 lbs, and than go through Christmas (and all the cookies and fudge and goodies) and not gain a pound.  I have learned that I need to moderate everything. I need to take control of my life, and not let food control me.  I need to be more of who I am and stop being the victim.
I have been a victim for so long, a victim of food.  I will no longer be that victim.  I stop eating when I am full. I will not clear my plate.  I will not take more than I need to take. I will not snack all day long, and I will not eat more sugar than I need to.
I am going to keep going on my journey, and I have a long way to go.  I didn't end up loosing the 50 I wanted to by Christmas, but I was able to loose 42 lbs. I have lost 3 pant sizes for my slacks.  I am more confident, and I am going to keep going.  I want to be able to say by the summer that I have lost 100 lbs.  I don't know if I will be at that point, but that is OK.  I will be working my absolute hardest to make myself feel the confidence I deserve to feel. I will also be working on allowing myself to feel the love I deserve.
I am really good at giving, I am just not as good at receiving.  And that's something else I am going to work on.

It's a new year, and I have to work on me.  So that's what I am going to do.

Been a while...

I know, it has been a while since I have put anything up and I have made a lot of changes.
I am back in school, going for my Nursing degree and I am very excited about it. I have completed one semester in College now towards it, and I look forward to getting more done.
I am learning how to sew now, I didn't do anything easy either. I have started to sew a costume for the Rennisaunce Pleasure Faire, and I am shocked at how much work goes into the costume.
My sister has 3 beautiful kids that I LOVE to pamper and shower with gifts when possible.
I have also worked through 2 salons in the area, one of which has closed now. It was crazy how that one just shut the doors, and that was it. I am still doing massage therapy but not as much any more. I am working with the school district now as a classified sub and working hard at trying to make everything work.
I will be more specific later, and try to update but I got on to update my profile for school, so now I am going to get back to it.

I am SO happy!

So... You may be asking why I am so incredibly happy. It's not because I am in a relationship, it's better! I now am the official owner of a beautiful laptop! MY VERY OWN LAPTOP!!! So stinking excited! I have ALWAYS wanted one... and we found a great deal on one I fell in love with when I saw it at the store and after getting one that didn't want to work for me, I have a replacement and it works fantastically! Finally something that is all mine, that I don't have to worry about taking back to my dad's school or that it may crash or that there are lines through the screen because my brother was using it and it is very old....

I am so incredibly grateful for what I did have. Really truly grateful. I appreciate that I had a computer to use when mine decided to die on me, and I was grateful for the laptop that was Daniels to use until I got one of my own. And now I have one!

So yay! I totally have a laptop that I love, and can't wait to get everything all set up and pictures on it and everything.

And with work slowing down, it's going to be nice. It's only slow for a few minutes, it's going to get insane next week. Spa week, and 50 dollar swedish massages... That's going to make my life just hard. For a bit... and then hopefully it will all slow down a bit more. I don't mind working so hard, but I do mind working on Sunday. I have had to work for the last 2 sundays, and it will be nice to have a sunday off.

Speaking of Sundays, I also am now the new Sunday School Gospel Doctrine teacher. Terrible but I told some girls in my ward that if it weren't for my Relief Society Teacher calling, I wouldn't be coming to the ward and would have gone to my home ward instead. That same day I was called to the Sunday School. I think that I need to go to my singles ward.... maybe.

Well, I should go to bed. I am VERY tired. I worked hard today, and with all the drama of the laptop it's just draining. So good night to everyone, hope you are all doing well.

It's been a long time.

SO I know it's been a while. I went to a YSA conference out here on Sunday, and it was reallly good. The speakers were great, I met a guy at the dance the night before and got his number... But he doesn't respond to texts very well. I don't want to be pushy, so I am going to wait for the weekend and see if anything. If not, than maybe a phone call.



The other thing I don't want to think about is someone that's talking to me online. He's a nice enough guy, but I am not interested in him romantically. We've been talking for about a month now, and I just don't like him THAT way, and he wants my number and e-mail... and I keep telling him what a great friend he is being to me. Guys don't get hints, but I don't want to hurt him. The one I am interested in isn't responding, the one that I am not interested in won't leave me alone. Story of my life, huh?



SO now I am sitting at my spa, trying to put both out of my head and waiting for the 1/2 hour facial turned HOUR to come out so I can do the half hour massage on her. Grr... I hate waiting. And then I don't have anyone else until 4:30 so yay! I'm not waiting forever, I need to get something to eat soon enough.... We'll see what happens. I will get on again later, just wanted to update everyone on what is going on.

Birthdays and Reflection.

Yesterday was my 27th Birthday, and wow what a day it was. I loved it. People may wonder how sitting home doing laundry may be wonderful, but it really was. I got to catch up on all my laundry that I had been putting off for about 2 weeks and had about 2 hampers full. I know, bad. It wasn't A LOT but it was just bulky. Sheets, some towels, jeans, stuff you don't really think about. So I got all that done, and finally tackled the spare room.

And I didn't just stay home, I was able to go to lunch with my mother. I love my mom. She is such a wonderful woman. She helped me to become whom I am today. Her and my father both made me a strong and independent woman, and I am so grateful to them. So we went to lunch, and I went back to her work and sat with her for another hour and talked to people in her office.

My brother moved to Utah about a week ago, and I was staying in the spare room. So I got to move into his room while the spare room is becoming the guest room. It's nice to be able to have a bed in there that I can make because it's not against the wall, and a window you can open because it has a screen on it. Laughs. It really wasn't that bad in the spare room, it got hot because it was on the outside of the house but that's about the only complaint I had. I slept in there, that was about all.

So after I came home, and my brother is watching a show that I just started and he paused it so I wouldn't get things ruined when I got to it.... I got to tackle what I had been putting off very well for the past few weeks, the spare room.

So I had to move my entire closet and dresser in the other room, as well as all my boxes and papers... and I am kind of a pack rat, pretty bad to be honest. So that was a feat. By the end of it I was just grabbing bags up off my floor and throwing stuff in them to get the room cleaned up, recycling bottles, and getting clothes all hung up. And it only took me about 45 minutes, so I was proud.

I know this sounds terrible. But it points out how wonderful I thought the day was. I had a fan, I had a room that was mine to set up how I wanted, I had the opportunity to get rid of all the stuff I was just holding onto without a reason, I was happy as a clam. So I got it all out, put most of it on my bed, and started to sort through my many storage boxes I hadn't touched in months. I got rid of 80 to 90 percent of the stuff in those boxes which I didn't need and if I did I could buy it again.

This was all while my mom was working, brother was watching a show, and dad was taking a nap. My brother-in-law and sister came over last night, and I was able to celebrate with the family. We had my favorite dinner, Swedish Meatballs with rice, watermelon, french bread, and peas. We got streamers put up in my bedroom and we got to spend time with the kids.

Poor Alex has a fever, so he was pretty tired and just didn't want to do much which isn't like him at all. I will admit I was a bit worried about him.

So we finally got to opening the gifts, and I LOVE my niece and nephews. They were so excited they wanted to help. I had Camden bring me the smallest of the gifts, which was a cool Willow Tree Figure. My mom has gotten me hooked now.

Ari brought me the next one, which turned out to be a throw blanket that is SO incredibly soft! And then Alex brought me the biggest one, the one I was SO excited to open. My GORGEOUS new comforter. It's fluffy, rich, and absolutely stunning. Ruby red, with gold filigree threads, and just beyond stunning. It came with the decorative pillows, and the pillow shams, so that made me very happy! I was going to put it on my bed, but Camden being so adorable... He grabbed the small square pillow, put it on the floor, lay his sweet head on it, and pull the comforter over himself like he was going to take a nap. Melt my heart right there and then.

SO it was pretty much the best birthday ever. I got to be with my family, got some amazing gifts, and am happy as a clam. I am 27 on the 27th.... So as far as Golden Birthdays go, I think it was pretty slamming!

So I know this is late to post, just had to wait until I was able to finish it! :D